The morning like usual, I need to accomplished my title as an university student. Actually today I’m really lazy to study, furthermore I need to meet with Zelo once again after yesterday incident. Yesterday Zelo and me chatting like usual. At first he talked about his family matter but then he changed the subject. He started talking about his relationship problem with Nana that seem broken day by day. And he also told that he want to end the relationship.

 

“Haru, I want to broke up with Nana.”

“Uh, wae?”

“I like you Haru”

“Huh?! Don’t play a joke with me!”

“I’m serious Haru”

 

After that, I ends my chatting with Zelo. My mind was getting so miserable. Is that true that he likes me?

 

Why must me? I kept asking in my heart. I kept replaying the scene between Zelo and me in my mind. It’s really one month since his attitude changed. It seems like he giving more attention to me. One day before this, he used to skip his class to look over me while I’m sick in the hospital. And then, when I really need a laptop to complete my assignment because my laptop got broken, he willing to run over the rain to came to my house and lend me his laptop. And the next day, he can’t go to the campus because he was sick. Thinking about the scene makes myself keep saying Zelo’s name in my mind. Then, how about Nana?

 

“Haru…” Yells Nana. I look over to her and stopping my steps.

“Yes, Nana. What is it?” I asked to the beautiful figure before me that was panting after chasing towards me.

“Here, I want to tell you something” She speaks while dragging my hand and took me to a quite empty place. Once we reached there, we sat down under a big tree.

“Haru” She started the conversation with sad looking face.

“Haru… Zelo… He…” Her words was cut with tears that start flowing at her steamed-bun like cheek. ‘what’s this? Does Zelo already broke up with Nana?’ thousands questions now keep questioning myself.

“Yeah Nana. What’s wrong with Zelo?” I keep beware while asking her. I don’t want to add the crush on her heart.

“I don’t know Haru. He treats me so different. He always kept escaping himself from me. It seems like he got someone else, Haru-ah” Her tears start to forms once again. I’m mouth-wide. And like someone shoots its gun to me, I felt guilty towards her.

“Hush, don’t you talk like that Nana, who knows he busy or so.” I tried to cooed her.

“But its hurt Haru, I just kept silent all this while. It felt like I was nothing more than just a normal friend. When I asked him questions, he replied like ‘oh’, ‘wow’ just like that, who not felt the pain, Haru. Who?” It looks so different like when Zelo tried to talk to me but I kept ignoring him. My mind was flew away somewhere else. I kept silent for a second.

“Haru you want to help or not? You are my and his best friend, right? You can try to ask him why he kept himself away from me. Please help me…”

 

Seeing her too sad expression I think I need to help her. And I nodded my head. She looks good but I know it wasn’t for me. After the long conversation, we came back to our class. While walking through the school corridor, I tried to think how to talk about this problem to him. While right now I was keeping myself from him. I don’t want my relationship with him became closer, and Zelo really mean to break his relationship with Nana.

 

As I reached at the class, I saw Zelo looked out from the window while his hand keeping its track turning the pencil upside down. From my eyes side, I saw that he looks not as active as he always been. There’s no more happiness in his eyes. Did me that causing that? I don’t know. I long sighed for a moment and tried to relax my mind that started to go crazy. I tried to looked at him but that was a totally . He was looking at me. Our eyes locked for a while. I tried to moved my sight from him and tried to kept my heartbeat like it used to be.

 

The bell was ringing. I placed my stuff in my bag and quickly tried to go home as quickly as I can make. For a day without talking and silencing makes me felt sick to kept myself at this class. And then I started taking my legs to steps home. But when it reached at the third steps, “Haru” with this I felt a hold at my hand and I’m sure that was Zelo. Without looking at him, I broke the hold harshly.

 

“What?” I asked him annoyingly.

“I want to talk to you.” He pleads.

“What it’s about? Via message also can right? Sorry but for this time I can’t.” I said and leaved him.

“Haru, I love you!” with that I stopped walking. My heart fastened its beats. For a second I shut my mouth. The voice of the other students started to be heard like the back sound of the films.

“I love you, Haru.” He repeated it once again. The loud voice kept broking our moments. My face redden.

“Accept, accept, accept.” The words makes myself worried. I don’t know why he doing this. I thought this will be secret between us. Furthermore it feels like a week after Zelo and Nana having a relationship to tell the others.

I looked at him lazily. I felt good but sad too. I look forward back again and continuing my steps and trying so badly to ignores him and the others. But when I almost reached at the door, I saw Nana figure wiping her tears.

“Nana.” I tried to go closer to her.

“You’re bad Haru.” She said while leaving me behind.

“Nana, wait!” I tried to chase after her but she was too fast even though she was on high heels. Oh . This is what I afraid about. Nana distancing from me and don’t believe me anymore. With weak steps, I kept my walking. And when I reached at the parking lot, suddenly his motorcycle stopped in front of me. He’s too fast but just now he was at the class.

“I take you home okay, Haru.” He asked me.

“Aniyo.” I said weakly and leaved him.

“What’s wrong with you huh, Haru?” he tried to chased me. I kept silent.

“Haru, why?” I still silent.

“Haru, does it about just now? What is wrong if I had more feelings for you?” this question makes me stopped walking.

“It’s a ing big mistake.” I replied with high-pitched tone.

“What kind of mistake it created, Haru? Doesn’t it the feeling to be feels by everyone?”

“A lot.” With mad I run and leaved him behind dumbfounded.

 

As I reached home, I just go to my room. I throw myself that was so tired at the bed. Today was a totally freak day. I hate my this one behaviour. I reached for my diary that was kept at the end of my bed. I started to write all my feelings for today.

 

Thursday, 9 May 2013

5:26 PM

I also understand your feelings, Zelo. I also know I had the feelings like yours. But you must think it twice, Zel. There’s someone that was still yours. Someone that was so in love with you. Zel, I don’t want to be the problem of your relationship. I also don’t wanna hurt the feeling of Nana that was loving you to death. You know it right, Zel? I was so close with her. Can be said that she was like my own sister. I just don’t want her to keep herself away from me and broke our friendship. I know it, Zel. I know that this was a really tough situation to choose between love and friend. I want you to know that I’ll love you forever but as a ‘friend’ not as a ‘guy’. I hope you understand, Zel.”

 

I closed my mute friend. Without knowing, tears started flowing and makes my cheek wet. Drop by drop the tears started falling at my friend. I’m crying? Crying for Zelo and regretting this feelings? The feelings that I never know it will come. From a simple chatting only, it became an extraordinary chatting. Don’t know why, the more we’re chatting I felt a single weird feelings deep in my heart. The feelings that I hope it wouldn’t be there. Ah Zelo… why are you making this hard? I tried to wipe the tears away and catch for the phone that was ringing since earlier. It’s a lot of missed calls and messages from him.

 

From : Zelo

Haru, what’s more?

From : Zelo

Haru, why it’s not been replied?

From : Zelo

Haru, mad? Oh do you on your monthly? (On time like this he also got time to play joke)

From : Zelo

Haru…Please answer the calls…

 

That was some of the messages that was given to me. Actually this heart really want to reply “I’m still in dilemmas,” but not with my fingers. It looks like my fingers doesn’t want to click even for a single word in it. I placed it back and ignores all the messages. Until lastly I was drove to sleep.

 

******

 

The bright sun shine starts slipping through the curtain. I was woken up and reached for my phone. This is my daily basis every time I wake up from my dream. And the moment I open it… there’s a lot of messages from him.

 

From : Zelo

Haru, why are you not just reply the messages?

From : Zelo

Haru……

From : Zelo

Still mad about the incident?

 

Ah, I was so confused to reply which one first? I took a decision by not to reply it. Duh it was last night’s messages. But suddenly, there’s a message coming. From Nana, with eagerness I opened it.

 

From : Bestie

Haru, maybe you really shocked why I messages on this really early morning. I just want to thanks you a lot because all this time you always be the place that I can confessed my feelings, or maybe Zelo too. But Haru, I can’t believe you had stabbed me from behind. You love Zelo too, right? Just talk the truth already, Haru. Everyone knows it. Okay, it’s not that I want to spoil your mood in the early of the morning. But there’s a matter that I been so upset towards you. Yes, you’re not being honest.”

 

Uh, the cold sweat started forming at my body. The feelings of guilty now hovered my feelings. Does I need to be honest at Nana if I really love Zelo? Or still I need to keep myself suffering with this all stupid feelings all alone? Ah I don’t know. Zelo. Yes, Zelo is the trouble maker of all this . Quickly I typed a message to him.

 

To : Zelo

Zelo, let’s meet at the complex park right now. There’s something to be told to you.”

 

Without waiting for replies from him, I go quickly to the complex park using my motorcycle. Finally I reached at the park. After waiting for minutes, the figure that I was waited for reached.

 

“Do you already wait for so long? Jeongmal mianei…” he smiled. And then he sat next to me.

“Ah. Just whatever already. You’ve broke up with Nana already right?” Without thinking twice I throw the question up to his face. He looked shocked.

“Why are you being so hush?” I continued.

“YES. Does it wrong Haru?” he asked me back.

“It’s a big mistake, Zel.” I high-pitched my voice. Deep in my heart me myself was shocked with my own voice.

“Wrong? Wrong what, Haru? Doesn’t all people if they decided to broke up, they can do so or what?” he asked me back, a bit loud voice.

“I know that was all people can do. But you must’ve probably known it, Zel, that Nana and me are friends. You must’ve understands it Zel, understand that why I been this mad towards you. I just don’t want to hurt her feelings. Zel, she’s really love you. You know Zel, every single night she messages me. She always crying. Because of who, Zel? Because of you!” I explained. He just being there like a statue.

“Now what you want, Haru?” He asked calmly.

“I want you to be back to Nana, and tell the incident the other day was just playing around.”

“That was hard and no way I’ll do it.”

“Hard why?” I asked annoyingly.

“I don’t want to lie to her, Haru. You’re totally true that she was so nice. But if I follow your words and pretending to be still in love with her, it’ll make her hurts more. I don’t want to be the loser in this conflicts, Haru.” He explained. I became more miserable. The words that he just said really made no sense.

“I know you both are friends. I also know that Nana always told her problem about me to you. I also know Haru, that you’re sick.”

“Sick? I’m not sick Zel.” I said cutting his conversation.

“Then, what the writing all about?”

“Writing? What writing?” I asked, half dumbfounded.

“The writings in your diary, Haru. I know everything from there.”

I looked at him with no expression. His eyes was too sad to be see. Actually I felt sad for him but I felt more guilty than sad.

“You read my diary?” I asked him so madly.

“Sorry Haru. I didn’t do it purposely. That time…”

 

I started running before Zelo finished his words. I can’t hear anything from him anymore. And I felt so upset for putting my private thing at anywhere. Why I need to be so much ? I shouldn’t have been putting it somewhere else. And why he must read it? Ah!

 

***

 

Today I’m not really in mood to go to the campus. My mind still cannot work accurately. With weak steps I go to the cafeteria. I don’t want to go to the class and see that stupid figure. As I arrived, I sat down on the bench and drink some hot chocolate to turn my mood better. But my sight was set to the guy with blonde hair and white skin. Yes, it’s Zelo. ‘ why he need to be here.’ I said. Quickly I started to leave the place and walked to the class. While I was walking to the class I saw Nana looked at outside with so much sad face. I tried to go closer to her. Suddenly Nana looks towards me and I smiled to her. But sadly, she quickly moved her sight and entered her class. And then, my smile faded away. I walked again. As I reached there, there was so much loud voice.

 

“Eh, there’s someone that had been shoot.” Hyuna said when I started to sit on my place.

“Maybe. He was accepted or no, huh?” Haha.” Ricky added with laughter. Everybody laid their eyes on me.

“Ish, what happen with you guys? The other day was just a joke.” I spoke loudly. I can’t stand this anymore. They was silent. And at the same time, Zelo was entering the class. Me that was realized his presence came back sat down.

“Zel, is that true that the confession you made the other day wasn’t true?” Asked Changjo, the friend of Zelo. I quickly sharpen my hearing so that I can hear their conversation.

“No, the other day was true.” Ops! The answer that was given was really stabbed myself to the deep of my heart. ‘Why he need to tell that it was true?’ I asked myself.

 

After the incident, the relationship between three of us became worst. We’re not talked to each other anymore like before. Every time I looked at Nana she looked at me with full of hateness. It same with Zelo, I don’t want to see his face even though we are classmates. Actually I want everything to be like before. But I guess it’ll not. Even if I asked for forgiveness at Nana for several times, but she gave no respond.

 

Today I felt my head was dizzy for all this crap. And I decided to go to some place that I can found for freedom. There’s no way I’ll studied with condition like this. When I reached at that place I saw Nana was laid on the bed with blanket on herself. I made my way to her.

 

“What’s wrong with you, Nana?” I asked. She looked away and covered her face with the blanket. I know she must be in so much hate that I was being here. I just let it be like that. Because if I think about it, my mind would be more miserable. Finally, I laid next to Nana. Not long after that I’ve drove to sleep. Almost one hour I was slept and after I woke up I heard a crying sound next to me. I’m sure that was Nana.

 

“Why are you crying?” She looked at me and hugged me. I felt really weird.

“I’m sorry Haru.” She said, crying.

“Sorry for what?” I asked while broking the hug.

“I shouldn’t have been leaved you, Haru. And I don’t have the reason to hate you. You’re really nice, Haru. And this friendship shouldn’t have been broken because of this problem. I’ve known everything and Zelo who told it.” She explained while wiped her dripping tears.

“What are you mean about?”

“Yes, Haru. I know he always told his problem to you. And that’s it. And Zelo also said that he already don’t want to kept this relationship anymore. And he already started to love you a month ago. Actually I was really mad when he talked that. But I’ve think twice, I shouldn’t have blocked it and kept pressuring him to be my boyfriend while deep in his heart there’s no more space for me. And now I’ve realized it Haru, I need to let Zelo be with you, with his want-to-be-lover.”

 

I was hushed hearing her explanation. Without knowing I was crying, I can’t believe that she could be this nice to let her love to her friend.

 

“Why are you crying, Haru?” Now she asked again.

“I can’t believe that you can be this kind, Nana.” Nana only smiled.

“Oh ya, there’s someone that was waiting for you to woke up since you’re sleeping.” She said suddenly.

“Who?” I asked. Nana pointed her finger at the way of the door. My eyes was locked at the high-postured body. He’s Zelo. Zelo looked at me smiling and I smiled back.

After that incident, me and Zelo officially became a lovers. Our relationship isn’t that romantic, but I felt good around him. Nana looked like already move on from Zelo, because on this time she was in love with her still childhood friend, Choi Jong Hyun.