{ review } Life at stake, screw that by Kittyfinkies

Title: 10 / 10 points

It really did grab my attention well. The title itself is promising me a kind of story that will have a great plot. So, full marks on this. Even though you had a typo in the request form, I was a bit confused but nice job! Oh, I suggest you capitalize all the first word in your title.

Appearance: 9 / 10 points

I like the way you present your forward, the fonts and colours. It’s neat and pleasant to the eyes. The poster and background are nice too, except the title is not in the poster. As a reader, I’m very comfortable to read the story without problems. Great job!

Description and Forward: 12 / 15 points

Your description really lures me in the story. Not many people could write a nice description without ending up throwing the whole plot in or even describing the story, but you did really well. Good job! But, putting commas in your sentences would be great, to make it clear.

‘She will, because she’ll be going through…’

‘That’s what a game is, isn’t it?’

Other than that, it’s great!

As for the forward, I think your preview should be in the foreword, because that’s a foreword. It’s good that you list out the character’s powers in the forward because you have many of them. But this isn’t giving you much point on forwards, unfortunately. But, I’ll give you points for the preview. It’s a bit confusing, but I guess we’ll get it later in the story. And it did, make my interest bloom for this story, nice job!

Characterization: 8 / 10 points

The main character, Rin, is the typical rare characters in a game which makes her the center of it. You haven’t put much of a certain character of her and her background is still a mystery.

While Luhan, I can say he’s the perfect guy in this story, later on develop feelings towards Rin. The latest chapter pictured him as a guy who is weak against that type of girl.

The rest are nicely described, and me being an exo fan, totally can picture their characters.

I deducted points because you didn’t put really much of character for Rin and it’s like she can be just anything you want.

But overall, it was good.

Plot: 6 / 10 points

So far, I haven’t encountered a story like this in asianfanfics but it’s kinda like Hunger Games because of the survival game. However, you scored for the originality. I’ll begin with writing out the plot, so you will know what I understand from the story so far.

You started the story with Rin (or me) confused, trapped in the game world accidentally and a figure called NPC warped in the room. Rin customized her characters and chose the healing power because she’d rather not kill. Another NPC, or questgiver, gave Rin a weapon which is a super rare weapon and gain powers by killing another player in a battle. She gave Rin a quiz (?), and Rin went to a roller blade shop which Rin met mister Kyuhyun. Rin revealed that she is a real girl, and Kyuhyun was shocked seeing that females there most likely are males in disguise. She picked a rare AT, which I assume is the roller blades, and here you revealed about the game world even more (guilds, rankings etc.)

Next, Rin was asked to choose a job, or second powers, and she picked ‘Whipper’. Rin went to a pet shop and a rare pet, Bun called Chi, chose Rin as its owner. There, she also had her first encounter with Luhan, who sent her a friend request. Rin noticed that she’s been playing for a while now and decided to log out be failed to do so. Luhan thought it was a bug but then, they were transported to a stadium with all players.

And this is when the story builds up with the sudden announcement of survival game. It’s also revealed that there are only two real girls in the game and they’ll have a lot of advantages if they have any female with them. And here, also revealed that Luhan is Taegun’s, the owner of the game, son. An old man tried to steal Rin away and was killed while trying to run away from Luhan. That guy who killed him was Chanyeol who offered to join Luhan and Rin.

Later, they went to the guild center and Rin created a guild named EXO and they met Baekhyun; they managed to get a castle ticket to build a guild castle.

While cleaning, Rin suddenly got emotional thinking of her mother back home and cried. Luhan and Chanyeol noticed her and come to comfort her. They decided to win this game together and entered tournament to build up their guild. They went to the tournament center and make an alliance with the NPC. Rin suddenly thought about getting allied with Kyuhyun since he’s a powerful NPC and went to the AT center.

Kyuhyun was hesitant because he’s afraid of losing his teammates but accepted anyway.

The tournament started with a round of bringing their leaders through obstacles to the finish line. Baekhyun had volunteered himself to carry you, the leader, to Luhan and Chanyeol’s shock. One of the opponent teams had a rough fight as the leader treated Kris harshly. Tao tried defending Kris but he himself got a slap. Baekhyun and Kris was neck-to-neck but eventually team EXO won. Rin stepped out to defend Kris and the leader got mad trying to slap Rin but Chanyeol saved her. Kris and Tao left their team and joined EXO.

Later on, Tao and Kris revealed that they are Chinese and were really glad to leave their team. Rin and the boys spotted a group of reporters crowding around a group of boys. The rest were fanboy-ing over them while fanchanting and got Baekhyun jealous. ((OTL)) The popular boys, known as B.A.P, made their moves towards Rin and requested to join alliance with EXO. Rin accepted with no hesitation and that made the EXO boys frown. Meanwhile, Daehyun is starting to fall for Rin.

Next, they, EXO, went to a café and met a NPC girl, called Chorong. She was obviously all over Luhan but he just thought her as a pure and timid girl. The others were not so fond of her especially Rin. Rin went to the toilet as she felt herself getting dizzy. Chorong followed her and started to say mean things and they had a fight. Chorong was bleeding hard when Chanyeol busted in and checked on Rin. Luhan came and was misunderstood by the situation. He gave Rin a disappointed look and brought Chorong to the hospital. Rin started to feel hurt by Luhan’s action.

What I feel so far about the plot is kind of confusing because of the lack of description and explanation. The humor, though was good and I laughed real hard at Chanyeol’s fart. I was really expecting some more killing, though but since you’re just starting, I think this is good enough. There are definitely holes in the plot and it’s a whole lot to take in for me as the reader.

The starting was good, the build was great, but I felt like suddenly it was coming to a twist that get myself confused when you include the feelings and emotions.

I give you a really big clap of trying to write this genre as what I think is really difficult.

Flow: 9 / 10 points

The flow was good and steady, but there’s some part that I thought was a bit rushed up.

Grammar and Spelling: 16 / 25 points

You have minor grammar mistakes and at some point, I think the way you arrange the sentence is off. You should proof read before posting.

“since you weren’t into to killing objects after all,” – Chapter One

“just from his expression did you see how mad he was.” – Chapter Nine; should be:-

“just from his expression, you can see how mad he was.”

I hope you understand the errors that I pointed out. The tip is to proof read your chapters before posting. Make as least mistake as possible. Maybe you could ask for a beta or, just a friend to read it first for you.

Bonus: 10 / 10 points

Yes, I really do enjoy the story and subscribed to it. ^o^

Comments:

Keep up the good work and sorry if I was being too blunt. You can always ask help from me, though. Fighting!! I hope this review helped you and sorry I took a bit long to review it ;;