So, uh, I don't really know what this is but...

yeah...

I just have to write down my feelings because DAMN, I'm sad right now...

(oh, and I'm not doing this because I'm some kind of attention . No, just... you decide if you want to read it or not. so, yeah. though now I feel like one when I'm writing this... just want to explain myself... aah!)

So, I don't really know where to start and, I really feel ashamed of myself for everything but... 

I'm depressed.

I'm in a deep depression, which I've been in since I was about 13-14 years old.

I don't know what to do with it, and I've been to a psychologist, but somewhat it doesn't seem to help me.

I've never taken any pills for it, since I'm too ashamed of being depressed and all.

Like anyone else who are depressed, I go around everyday, happy as always. I'm smiling, I'm laughing.

But, yeah, It's just something to show because I don't what people to know.

I've been bullied ever since I was little.

I was ugly.

I was fat.

I looked like a crow because of my nose, which I broke when I was 8 years old. 

I've been crying non-stop over my appearance, my nose, my body.

Everytime I look at my profile, I see that crooked nose and cry and cry, because I hate it so much and everyone else seems to hate it too. 

I still hear comments about it and it seriously makes me just more depressed.

Today it has led me to do a surgery on my nose. I don't know when, but soon. I want to get rid of it as fast a possible.

All these comments about my face and everything has made me for alot of years, think about if anyone will ever love me.

The guy I was dating, which was probably my first love, broke my heart when he cheated on me with my best friend. Of course, that typical drama.

And the guy I was falling for which was one of my best friends, showed me his real self and was actually a big jerk.

These days I cry over almost everything. I feel pathetic for crying over small stuff, but it's like that. For me, no one will ever love me. No one will ever think I look nice. No one will ever think I have a nice personality or anything. And it makes me sad to think I'll die lonely and unloved.
 

So, when I was about 14-15, I sneaked out of my house at night. Thought about that I was going to do it crossed my mind when I took the stroll up to the railway.

Yeah, dramatic.

That was the night I was going to commit suicide.

Sorry, but this part is the thing I'm most ashamed of.

So, I stood there and though that I was going to jump in front of a train, when I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

So I ran away crying, ran home and laid down in my warm bed again.

Uhm, yeah, being depressed and suicidal is such a sad and pathetic thing to be. At least that's what I think about myself.

I hate myself and more and more everyday. I just begin to hate everything.

I hate to eat. I hate to sleep. I hate the things I loved the most.

I even start to hate kpop, which has usually been the only thing to save me from my pathetic self.

Okay, I just feel pathetic over writing this. But I need to just... write it off and share my feelings.

Just... I think I'm going to quit everything... at least until I feel better.

Maybe try to get away somewhere and work on everything and my life.

Work on my feelings. 

Ah, really, it's hard for me to write this.

Just have to say though, I have the most wonderful friend right now.
I haven't even known her for a year, but I know she just asdfghjk

I love her. And she helps me alot, though sometimes I can be too hard to get to.

But all thanks to her for being there for me.

So, don't really care if anyone's gonna read this or not.

I still had to share it.

I hope you all have wonderful lives :)