My feels is messing up with me :(

 

 

...THIS IS GONNA BE LOoooNGgg...

So, uh.. I..

I seriously don't know how to start this, but one thing clear is that, I want to share what I really want to say or talk about right now.

But there's no one who I could talk to, so I resorted to sharing it to my AFF family. :)

Uh..

I am Genevere.. and when I was in 8th grade, I was part of the top section.  And, of course, I felt so proud about it...

I was completely surrounded by smart people, and I felt that I somehow belong with these people.  And as expected from them, they are really good in all subjects, I mean.. they are part of the top section after all...

Every activity and every event that my school would have, the top section would always participate.  And there came a time in my life that I found my comfort zone because basically, in every group works, everyone participates... and me, I felt relaxed knowing that I shouldn't worry that much.

And I was all happy during my 8th grade life.  But one thing bothered me.. is that what if,.. when I will reach 9th grade.. 

WOULD I REMAIN IN THAT TOP SECTION?  IT WOULD BE VERY EMBARASSING TO DROP OUT FROM IT. Then I just laughed it off.

 And apparently,.. I never thought about that as summer break was on the process.. because I was confident enough. 

Not really patting myself at the back, my average after the final grade was revealed was 90.. and that 90 would still be rounded off.  So, it's pretty much 91 to be exact.  My average was unbelievably 91, but still, not part of the top 10 or even 20.  Knowing that, who would worry?

 

Then some real happened when my bestfriend called me ahead of time.. She told me that I was put on another section..with her.  She was also part of the top section.. but ! just..!  She was happy because for her, it was like getting out from hell, then she kept on saying that she's so blessed because the top section was given too much pressure by the teachers and other students.  She didn't like pressure.  

While I, I was speechless.. I didn't know what to say.. I mean.  I've always wanted to stay in that section because I was with my friends-close friends.  And learning with them was fun. 

Then school started again.  And 9th grade.. was kinda' hell.

New faces, new attitudes.. and I have to adjust.  

I admit, I was frustrated for a long time.  I was such a person full of pride, someone who doesn't accept defeat... I felt so ashamed to the point that I would look down passing by some of my batch mates.  

First day so much.  I tried to smile, but the pain was present in my eyes.. but trust me, I was so good in lying those times when my classmates asked me if I was okay.. I answered that I was great..doing great! I could feel that they talked behind my back and felt so embarassed.  But when I arrived home, I complained so much and cried hard... I never felt so disappointed of myself.  Then I began asking, was I not good enough to stay in that section? Was my effort not seen?  Was I too relaxed?.. or do I really just don't deserve to be a part of that section?

My family was my only consolation at that time with God's blessings. Then fortunately, the school year ended great.  I received many awards... not just material awards, but personal gains as a student.  I become a better student than I was before..somehow I was thankful why God put me in another section because He was always there.. He didn't leave me.

Pretty much like that..

Then summer break came.. 

My average was low compared before.. I don't know what happened, but I got 87 only as an average for 9th grade.

UNBELIEVABLE!... But I was the first in class.. yet still so low as an average.. How could I?  I exerted much much more effort here than before.

I was like.. okay?.. Is that all I really got?

 

Then now, June 4, 2013... I just received that I belong to another section... again.  I was not put in the top section... again. 

My heart broke the moment those words came out from my mother's mouth.  I couldn't help but to tear up.  And then, I started to complain again...

I mean.. I'm very thankful that I was put on another section during 9th grade, but I don't want to experience it again.  

There was so much drama, pain, suffering, sacrifice.  I'm happy I got through this in 9th grade,.. but I want it no more!!!

I DON'T WANNA GO BACK TO WHAT I EXPERIENCED BEFORE..  IT WAS HELL. :(

 

Now, I can't do anything anymore except accept the fact that I could never be good enough.

Right now, I feel so empty,,

Bad sectioning, family problem, and my playbook was on hiatus because it hanged up.  It's to be fixed.

There's just no more reason to live for me now. I could just die here... or even sleep and not waking up anymore tomorrow morning.

I felt so drained out... no more energy left in me.  Now, I accept defeat.

 

But I'm trying... I have to be happy.  I have to go on in life.  And I know it will be hard.. not having any inspiration and reason to live.

 

But something keeps me going... Honestly,.. IT'S KPOP!!

I shall draw and gather strength from it.

 

                      ...MY FEELS RIGHT NOW...

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwbjxv1tbW1qd8aeu.gif

 

 

And yah!.. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND LISTENING... now, I feel good.

I appreciate your time :)

and, and,.. sorry for some bad words here 

~kekeke ...

 

 

 

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November-Angel #1
I think I feel you. I was top 10 before but when I came to sec 1( system in sg ), I was posted to a school that was really a lot lower than my aggregate. I started to slack off, as I did before, but my grades slipped so bad and I ended up being about 30/40 in class. I felt really deflated but I had no one to talk to, but this year I started pulling my socks up and I studied for each subject and my placing jumped 20 notches up. I think it's possible, really, you may just have to twerk that mindset and try to tell yourself to not underestimate the other students and fit into the section, you may be able to learn many more things than you'd imagine, have a bigger circle of friends and become more comfortable. Meanwhile, never forget your goal! Don't think about the incentives and enjoy each moment! Let's work hard together~~~ hwaiting! ♥♥♥
jaecomponents #2
I'm sorry if I'm misunderstanding something here, but from what I understand, you're down because you're no longer in the top section in school, where the teachers expect more from you? You think that because you're not in the top-section, you're not hard-working enough, and you think that you effort isn't seen.

Yeah, you know what? Stop thinking like that.
I myself is a very perfectionist kind of person. I want everything to be perfect, especially me school work, but I think you care more about it than I do, and that's fine, but that also means that I don't really understand the importance of your situation. From what I read, you think that because your average has fallen, you're slacking off, but does that really have to be the case? No, it doesn't. And yes, moving from your comfort zone into something else IS Hell, but it's a part of life. Moving into another section and getting into other social groups is not easy - actually it's like walking on needles - but life bids you these kind of thing sometimes.

But no matter what, don't think poorly about yourself because of all of this, it's NOT worth it. Really. It's not.
nya-neko-nyan #3
It's alright to let certain things go, I know how you feel, but remember this, "You are only human." As many people have said to me and probably you've heard it before but it's true. You are only human and there's only so much that you can do. I'm glad that you looked to the bright side of things rather the dark side ^^ Plus you'll learn from your mistakes and improve! So keep going! Also, K-pop or music in general is like the source of happiness ^^ Well...in my opinion at least :3
myungsoohot #4
Keep your head up high, there's always a reason for everything in your life. If you fall keep getting up, God's always there to pick you up. Those so called friends on the top section may have been just fake/ plastic- peer pressure is not healthy for a young person like yourself.
blondesakura #5
i know how you feel , wanting to die and never wake up anymore .. but , yeah , we gotta endure it :)
Ouwnyx #6
I feel your pain, you're not the only one.
roses14 #7
In my school we dont have tht...but dont worry about not being able to go to the top section...highschhool isnt forever *fighting!* i hope u will do great in school! ( btw im in 8th grade and im super nervous about next year) ._.
Kyaheartsyou #8
I don't know what sections mean maybe youre from a diff country but we only have the top 10% and then everyone else. I was in the top 10% my eigth grade year and was soooo happy when I had self value. But when I got into high school I kept dropping. Now I'm number 28 in a class of 200 and something. A lot of my classmates tell me that that's a good thing but I felt I deserved to be with the higher ups. We didn't get divided based on rank so I have multiple friends so it must be hard for you. But the one thing I want to tell you is that everything happens for a reason. I may not be in the top ten anymore but I'm content with how things are going. Right now I'm in the 11th grade (I'm almost a senior!) and you realize as you wak the halls and hear the different stories of the class who graduated before you you realize, and not just you but the majority of your classmates, that all that matters is that you graduate. As long as you are doing your best and doing after school activities and winning awards colleges will accept you. You will not be thrown away and forgotten because of the rank that you're in. You may not get into a school like Havard but there are a lot of great colleges. And honestly those elite schools aren't even worth it. The valedictorian in our class (my close friend) wants to go to a state college the University of Florida. But one thing oaf raids is that colleges don't like it when a potentially good student starts slacking. So keep your head high and do you boo!
blujaes #9
I'm not sure if my words will even mean anything since ... ... well since I'm me but I used to be in a similar situation as you. similar, not totally the same; which is to say, mine was, to put blunt, no where as serious as your's sound. I was in the elite everything back when I lived in the states, then coming to Korea, I was all the sudden put in the last ranking classes. I know it's not the best feeling, but you shouldn't let it get the best of you. use it as something to grow off of and try not to stress yourself too much. though, that's better off said than done - I should know. because no matter which section you're put in, it doesn't change the fact that you're still you. don't worry too much over what your mom says; she'll, hopefully, understand someday that you're no superman. chill, read some fluff, and listen to music. the world isn't going to end. and then, later, when you're more calm, try talking to your mom about it. cause no parent should go making their child feel like s.hit. and I have no clue where I'm going with this. but yeah. wish you the best. good luck!
Cheesezard #10
Don't let get those things too close to you, they mean nothing. I understand your feelings, mostly because i also experienced most of that once.
But don't you think, it might change something, if you'd talk to your teacher? Who knows, maybe they'll let you choose :3
And i have to add, whenever you feel down, sad, disappointed or whatever, don't distract yourself from those feelings - express them, like you did just now. For example drawing, writing or playing piano/guitar/whatever ^ ^
And don't forget, we'll always be there for you - you know, there's a certain saying, that always makes me grin like the idiot i actually am (i don't know why though xD)
"If it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, just look beside you and i'll be there." :3
makefetch #11
(Before I start, sorry if I misread anything)

Honestly maybe because the grading is different here, but 87 is incredibly high. Like wow. To say you were the first in class is mind-blowing, it gives you no reason to be disappointed in yourself. Having moved down one section is not the end of the world...or a reason to end your life. I think you deserve a break, to recharge, to rethink and reset your priorities.

Maybe just take a step back and see where your life is going. Consider what makes you happy and live by it, or keep it with you as you live it. I think being happy is the greatest form of success. Is being in section one what truly makes you happy?

Or is it just the pressure to please everyone that decides for you. At the end of the day, its your life, and its your say. And even if you don't achieve everything you want in your youth, you have achieved...a lot. Just like that saying "don't cry because its over, smile because it happened". There's still a half year! And its not even half your life gone. Don't chase and lose yourself.

Anyway. Good luck :)
rudehero #12
Schools shouldn't like that all, it's not fair to everyone else you know what I mean?
littleocean #13
To be truthfully or honest, I hate schools that separate students by their grades. It's like they are favoring the top students instead of all.
For my school, since everyone is so freaking smart, we are all treated equally.
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