I don't know if it's only me experiencing this kind of thing. I don't know if it's only me trying to think everything's going to be fine. 

Ever since I was in 7th grade, I told myself that I will meet my Korean idols, regardless of how hard it is to renew my passport, to get a visa and to book tickets. Because I was too young back then. All I did was to fan girl, spazz, watch their shows, live streams and stuff. Until this time came, now that I have finished 10th grade, I am heading to college. I suddenly realized a lot of things. A lot of things that made me feel dizzy and confused. Yes, I will never be okay until my questions are answered.

How will I able to see them? For someone who is 16 years old, belonging to a family in the lower middle class. Tell me, how am I suppose to meet those people who are a thousands of miles away from me? There are no guarantees of meeting them for I don't have any connections from the industry they work at, nor the placce they are living at. It seriously hurts to know that I am expecting too much from this idol-fan relationship. I am being fanzoned. Those I love you's and you're my girlfriend's' are obviously part of the marketing strategy. Okay, I know those words are from the bottom of their hearts, but come on, if a fangirl asks them to marry her would they oblige? Like, okay I love you so I'll marry you. That's not it. Korean idols are here to make us happy and entertained, but on the other side of it, we are being deceived, we are making high expectations that 'Hey, this idol will marry me as soon as I meet him, cause he told in front of the national TV that if he can marry all his fans he will.' Am I even making sense with all this writing?

I don't know, I don't know what's gotten to me. I don't want to leave K-Pop because this has been my life. This is the reason why I am striving, striving to finish my studies and find a job. But then I realized, I should probably get a life. K-Pop isn't going to be there for me like I have always been there for them. They wouldn't love me like I have always loved them. We are casted under the spell of loving these bands without even getting a single hello from them.

Oh, I really don't know. I don't know why I have to end up like this. Getting obsessed witht his kind of humans who are seriously, not gonna notice one of us, or me. If I am the only one thinking that I kept on dreaming but then those dreams of mine will be dreams forever, vanishing and will be forgotten each day of our lives.

Then I read this book, it's about a fangirl who is living her dreams in the dizzying world of K-Pop. She get to be friends with her one and only bias. But she got dumped by her real life love. I suddenly realized, can I really be friends with this idol? Sooner? Later? No? Never.

I am sorry for all the this pessimisms that I have. I just can't take all the depressions I take everytime I try to prove myself K-Pop isn't just a fantasy. For others, who have the money to instantly go to the concerts, see them and hug them, yes, K-Pop is a fantasy that is real. But for me, who have never seen them, I might want to believe that this is just a part of my imaginations. They are still a fairytale. A cruel fairytale that is.

Sorry, don't hate me. Ugh, why would you? T_T