Okay, so...

I have no idea where to post this, so I figured out this is the only place possible.

Qooqies requested for a review for her 'Paper Crane' from me, since we're both Myungyeon lovers. :D

I'm not any professional author or writer. So this review for you is just my thoughts and opinions!

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Paper Crane

1) Title     4/5

I like the title! It gives me a feel that this story will be linked with Paper Crane and I’m kinda waiting for it to appear sooner or later, being associated with Myungsoo/Jiyeon. In this case, I supposed it is Jiyeon. (:

And well, there are only two chapters up so I can’t really say anything else. But I like the title!

 

2) Appearance     4/5

The poster and background is nice, it gives people a warm fluffy feeling but the color of the description (Dreams, Memory, Happiness and Pain, etc.) is light pink so it’s bright. It kind of hurts one’s eye when they’re reading.

Other than that, I supposed the rest is just fine. (:

 

3) Foreword & Description     7/10

I like how you put Paper Crane photos on the description since it’s related to your story title.

And in the foreword, the characters you stated are clear and known to all who will appear and I like how you kept their personality hidden. So readers will feel the need to read on.

But as for the small description there, it’s good to keep people hanging and I understand you’re trying to do that. Those quotes are a mystery but I don’t quite get the meaning. It may be a good point as readers might find it a mystery to solve thus they will read on. But it may also be a bad point as readers might find it non-understandable, thus losing the feel to continue reading. What I suggest is to create more understandable quotes. (:

And I saw an error in the punctuation in your first sentence.

You wrote: Two people, with different ways of living and different problems to solve meet ,each other.

Correction: Two people, with different ways of living and different problems to solve, meet each other.

Well, I think punctuation and grammar in foreword is important since it’s the first impression of a story people will be looking at.

 

4) Characterization     9/10

The fact that you didn’t write each of their personality on the description makes me want to read on what exactly is their personality.

And I can say that you personalized the characters well.

Jiyeon was a timid and shy girl. She’s keeping to herself after her parents passed away and after getting the disease.

In chapter one, Myungsoo sounds like a big jerk already. But in chapter two, he sounded so cold and lonely. Although he’s interested about his soon-to-be bride, he still gives me the feeling that he will treat her badly since he doesn’t open to people.

Dongwoo is a hyper and kind kid here. Sulli supports her best friend all the way. So I assumed both are kind and will treat Jiyeon nicely. Well, Woohyun is just a friend of Myungsoo and he’s hyper too.

So yeah, how you portray the characters are great.

 

5) Originality     8/10

Arranged marriage is a very common idea in stories. Well, I have one story about arrange marriage too. But your idea revolves around Paper Crane, which is fresh and appealing.

 

6) Grammar     14/20

I know English is not your first language and you’re still learning, but grammar, punctuation as well as sentence structure are all important in every story. So I have to penalize you here and there for English! I hope you will continue pursue English language since you have a great idea here. And of course, I think you have more stories to write in the future too! (:

Well, I can help you spot some mistakes. I’m not a professional myself, but this is what I’ve learnt before.

You wrote: He could see from the balcony, his mother gulping down the red wine and smirking like a devil. He heaved a sigh and slowly walked down only to be threw something to him. Luckily but expertly he dodged it and glared at his mother.

Correction: From where he’s standing, he could see that in the balcony, his mother was gulping down the red wine slowly and smirking like a devil. He heaved a sigh and slowly walked down the stairs but stopped when he felt that something was coming his way at his back. Luckily, he dodged it expertly and turned around to glare at his mother.

You wrote: The guy from before came and pulled him out from the class and ran towards the canteen. 

Correction: The guy from before came and pulled him out of the class before running towards the canteen while dragging him along.

Punctuation is important and readers wouldn’t like to read many ‘and’ in a sentence. It doesn’t look nice as well. I have the tendency to repeat many ‘and’ too, but you can always edit it after proofreading it!

That’s about it. Basically, it’s the grammar and punctuation part for you.

 

7) Plot     16/20

The plot of the story is there. But since it’s only two chapters, I can’t really know how the future plot will be.

And of course, you made me curious about why Myungsoo became so lonely, who’s the one in the photo frame he caressed and what he will do to Jiyeon in the future. He may seem jealous of his wife interacting with other guy but that’s because she’s his property. I’m curious on how he will change to become her real husband, if your plot is going this way. (:

 

8) Flow     10/10

The flow is just right. Not to fast or slow.

 

9) Enjoyment      9/10

I like this story as a whole, and I wished to read the next chapter since it’s hanging there!! But I have to reread some sentence since the grammar isn’t right. But I can’t blame you too since you’re still pursuing English. No worries! I really enjoyed it. :D

 

Total: 81/100

I hope this is useful for you! :D Keep up the good work! <3