Seems weird, right? Right. But I'm sure everyone goes through these things. It can't just be me, right?

His initials are BR. I'm too scared to say who he is. What if someone who likes him too finds this and passes it on to him? To kak B, if you see this, mianhae. I'm sorry.

It all started that one night last year, as I was hanging with my friends at a band event thing. He's that cute drummer. Yes, the one at the back, at the corner. I grew to like him and found out who he was, and I followed him on my personal twitter. To my surprise, he followed me back. I was shocked.

I told him he was handsome so I guess that's why he followed me back dfbhf

We started talking and eventually the topic of the cute, animal hats he wears on stage comes up to subject. He told me he would give his to me if his band performed again, so the next time they had a gig, of course I had to go.

So I saw him dance to Gangnam Style with his band with superhero masks (he was wearing a Hulk one, so cute!) and I came up to him backstage afterwards, and because my friend was the crew for the show I had easy access in. I asked him about the hat after taking a picture and he gave it. I asked to take another picture and since my phone had run out of battery, he searched for a phone with a camera and promised to upload it to twitter, so he did. The day before I had asked what time his band will perform and he said 9PM, and I told him I probably wouldn't stay for the gig until the end (but I did!) because I wasn't allowed to stay out late.

He then told me "go home, your parents must be looking for you. You told me you couldn't go home late, right? Get some rest!"

I was so happy, honestly! My friends were telling me how lucky I am and I was just so happy!

Then his birthday came and I wished him a happy birthday.

He replied to me and said:

 

"Thank you  *he typed my name here*! Thank you for keep supporting and believing in me! I won't let you down ;)"

 

HONESTLY KAK B, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME?!!!!! I felt so happy he gave me that special message as I had saw how he replied to other fans on twitter with simple "thank you"s and smiley faces or retweets, those were all. I felt kind of.. Special.

Maybe he just saw me as some kind of a sasaeng fan (not really, I don't stalk him) but after that, I never heard from him. Maybe he was creeped out? Or tired of me?

One thing I remember, just I don't remember when, I tweeted "I'm a loner" and he replied with "Don't be a loner". I felt so happy and didn't feel lonely anymore.

So then today, I saw him do the harlem shake video with his band on youtube. I tweeted about it and expected the usual RT he does, because he rarely replied to me anymore. Plus, he RTs all his fans' encouragements so that was all I was expecting. He replied and I was so happy!

Until I saw what he had tweeted to another fan who told him he still looked handsome despite being wrapped up in a sarung (a kind of cloth usually used as blankets or bottomwear for Betawi people) and wearing barely anything underneath.

You know what he said?

"I love you"

HOW COULD I NOT BE JEALOUS, OMG? He's known me for a year and that fan.. That fan...

I'M SO JEALOUS OF HER! JUST BECAUSE SHE ADDED A TINY HEART TO HER TWEET SHE GETS AN "I LOVE YOU?!"

KAK, WHY?

I felt upset. That was when I realized..

I had fallen in love with an idol.

An idol, who shrugs off fans and just smiles at them. But this one? He made nice gestures towards me. He made me fall for him, because he was only 5 years older than me. It's creepy to some people, but at least he's still young.

An idol, who gives autographs and that was all. But this one? HE GAVE ME A HAT.

An idol, who tells fans nice things and to take care of themselves. But this one? He searched for a camera for me, and told me to go home because it was late and had actually remembered what I said the day before.

To others, it may seem like simple fanservice gestures, but to me?

It made me fall for him.

I've fallen to the trap of the pain most people would look down upon.

Falling in love with an idol.

I fell in love with an idol, is this the consequence?

 

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Note: "Kak", short for "kakak" is used to refer to people a few years older than you, like how you would use "hyung", "unnie", "noona" or "oppa". It doesn't matter the gender. (Indonesian)