Love Takes Two
Storyline by: wooyungismine
Reviewed by: shawolistic
 

 

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Title (2/5)

“Love Takes Two” is a clichéd and an overused title. I would never click it if I were scrolling down AFF. The reason you have your marks is for correct capitalization and because it did hint to the story and did not deviate from it.

 

Description/ Foreword ( 9/15)

It is compulsory for the description to be catchy especially because it is an oneshot/ if it was a chaptered fic I wouldn’t have mind it all that much because the story plot may change in the future chapters. In case of an oneshot, the description in many ways is the story and there can be no plot changes in the main story. Hence, you have to make it more interesting and teasing, it should tickle the curiosity in people.

The foreword on the other hand, is nice. It is nicely written and gives me a glance into what I can expect from the story. Since you are appearing for a contest, it is imperative for you to write the following in the same manner as shown,

Genre:
Characters:
Contest:
Warnings (if any):
Contest:
Credits:
 

Appearance (3/5)

I like your poster. It gives a nice feel of the story. Unfortunately, I am not a big fan of the Tahoma font. A Georgia 12pt would have been better. Moreover, you have huge clumps for paragraphs. Not appealing at all.

 

Characterization (8/15)

None of your characters grew. They were static. Kiseop jumped out of nowhere so there was no scope for him to develop per se. Kevin was just the same. Broken before, broken later. Things would have been different if he was more broken after the entire altercation but even if he was as a reader I did not feel it whatsoever.

Eli was nice and most of your marks for this section is because of him. On one hand, he does not mind philandering but he does care about Soohyun enough to go running after him. Again, there is a glimpse of his not-so-appealing side when he talks about the kiss as impulsive. He is a nice mixtureo fhuman complexities and reality. Good job!

 

Writing Style/ Format ( 6/10)

I am little confused. Your writing style is not one, which will make me sit up and go “WOW!” neither is it something which I will just trash. It is a little above mediocre. You have a tendency of sprinkling generous amount of detail which is all right but after a point of time, I realise those details were unneeded and they hinder the pace of the story.

Also the unneeded line breakers after every paragraph. Please do not that it is just not required. Until you change POV, a scene, or a timeline, line breakers are not required.

Your use of italics is messed up. First of all, italics are used for the following:

• Names of books or movies.
• Thoughts
• A particular word to be stressed upon  ( this one should be avoided until absolutely necessary)

You did not have to use italics for dialogues between the characters. I know that some of them were dialogues from the movie but STILL. You took away the dialogue of the character by stressing on the dialogue of the movie. Your movie shouldn’t be the priority, your characters should be. Some of the italics look like they are begging for attention. Don’t do that. Let your readers decide what is important and what is not.

 

Grammar/ Spellings (7 /10)

You are writing in present tense so there are some areas where you have could past but they are ignorable and you could always fix it with a re-read.

Your word choice in certain areas seem off. He starts bawling quietly. Even metaphorically, one cannot bawl quietly. Bawling is how baby cries/ shrieks and I don’t see how that is done quietly. He shivers due to the cold he experiences. There is no need for the “he experiences” because the fact that he is shivering is evidence enough of his experience.
For blink of an eye- this is usually used to signify pace as in tangible pace and it’s not for, it’s in. you could use “for a fleeting moment there” as a replacement.

 

Originality/ Creativity (7/10)

I did not see anything exceptionally original or creative. The fact that Eli went back to Soohyun did make me sit up but that’s about it. I can see you have tried using metaphors but metaphors are the bread and butter of every author. I don’t see how can any story survive without one. But your metaphors were unfortunately the clichéd ones- the snow, the popcorn, the emptiness. The snow has forever been epitomised as the perfect setting for a sad story. Popcorn and movies, need I say anything? It’s been there and used several times. Emptiness combined with physical emptiness as in a feel lonely in an empty room. Again something tried and tested.

What you could have done was may be used a symbol for something cheerful to represent something dark. Kevin is a cheerful person so that could have worked well. You could have made his loneliness profound my putting him in a packed room but still make him feel lonely because he watches Eli with Soohyun or something on those lines.

 

Plot/ Flow (18/30)

The plot is the heart of the story; the characters it’s lungs. You screw up any of these and all you get is a dead body.

The plot is again clichéd. I was like, “Not again!” it also has the male-female stuff working here instead of a male-male. I don’t have any objection to it but the stereotypical female waif has been superimposed on Kevin. He is quiet, does not revolt, gulps down all the pain, self sacrificing- yup, that’s the overused female waif on AFF, except that it’s male.

Eli, the bad boy. End of Story, I know what’s going to happen.

To add to that was Kiseop and I was left thoroughly disappointed. When you gave Kevin, Kiseop it literally felt as if you were giving Kevin a consolation prize. The real powerful ending could have been if Kevin could just wipe away his tears, did not give a about Eli, built up some self-respect and walked on in life. The end made Kevin look pathetic. You don’t want your protagonists looking miserable do you?

Also where did that sudden y scene jump down from?! One moment it was all nice and slow, angsty and stuff and suddenly we have a mild session, a first time on Kevin’s part. Like why?! You could have introduced it in a more gradual fashion if you had to introduce it at all. Why would Eli suddenly decide to kiss Kevin? I mean WHY? Okay, never mind.

 

 

Total (60/100)
Bonus: 4/5- I absolutely loved the second poster (the chapter poster)

 

New Total: 64/100

Grade: D

Reviewer's Comments: It is obvious that I have been insensitive and harsh <.< but I did it because one, my profile as a reviewer says so  and two, you were appearing for a contest. I cannot ask you to not hate me because if I were in your place I would have. But I hope this review helps in improving your writing. Also, sorry for taking so long. 
You have a nice thought process. You just need to channelise it properly.