Well okay. This may be stupid but hi. I'm Suki. This is my story:

 

I'm 14. Chinese girl in Singapore. Very typical person. I smile all the time and I look like a friendly person with an extremely crazy/hyper vibe.

 

So... Since young I've always been the odd one out. Whether it was within school or the family. When things go wrong, people push all the blame to me. And for the first few years of my life in Primary school, it was .

 

My teachers sent me to the counsellor for I talked to much and they thought I had social problems. The counsellor was nice but the memories have blurred and the time turned out to be a mush of purple and black when I try to recall the times.

 

I was bullied from time to time for my weirdness. I was sent to the hospital during Primary 3 because some guy punched me that hard on my back. It left some permanent damage and it still hurts until now.

 

I was never treated as part of the clique so I decided to stand out. I wore a smile on my face, forgetting the bullying and turned into the fierce girl that was different. I broke rules in school, notorious throughout the whole school. I was always sent to the discipline mistress but she never managed to change the way I was. I fought with guys and had earned the respect within the hierarchy of my cohort in primary 6.

 

The friends in school betrayed me and left me out and so I sat alone at times. When there were misunderstandings within them, they would always linked the problem to me. Even when I decided to sit with the boys, they took pictures of it and teased me. But I didn't look like I care. I just kept it all in my heart

 

At home, my parents love the younger child more and my younger sister, my only sibling always pushes everything to me. My father is a violent man that hit me, caned me and things. Hoping not to get hit, I hid the cane and it got tier. He used the plastic hangers. He verbally abused me since young. "Bloody fool", "stupid piece of " and other hokkien vulgarities. 

 

My sister has anger management problems. She once used a hanger (the same type my father uses) to hit me. I was so freaked out, I told my mum. Guess what? She didn't care. Everytime something was out of place, my sister would push the blame to me and my father would hit me. He used a leather belt once. My sister now learns Taekwondo and she uses the skills on me at times when she's angry. Although I'm a fighter. I'm not skilled or thought professionally. I just had to deal with it and be under the mercy of her when she's angry.

 

I used to just break down in tears in the toilet, crying for at least an hour before i got out. Now, I just feel so numb on the inside that I can't even cry.

 

My mother is a biased . She sides with my sister all the time. When it was obviously her fault, my mum scolds me and loses her temper at me, sometimes scolding me in public.

 

I never had a boyfriend. Sure, guys liked me. They confessed and everything but they either liked my body or my looks. I'm not pretty nor am I curvaceous. They just wanted the name of HER boyfriend.

 

This friend in my class keeps harassing me. There was at least twice where he grinded against me during science lesson. I didn't say anything for I was scared of what would happen.

 

I have little friends in secondary school. They hate the boisterous girl ever. Teachers don't like me and they never bothered trying to know me anyway.

 

I cut. I've told my friends that but they never seemed to care or give a . I started indulging in literature too. Literature isn't an escape. It's a way of letting the bottled feelings out through words.

 

I started 2 years before. I felt that it could release the pent up emotions in me. Everytime I cut, I would feel a little more important to the world.

 

I've tried showing that I was hurt so that they would stop treating me like . It doesn't work. The scars on my wrist were obvious. But they never seemed to see it. So I decided that they wouldn't care and cut my thighs instead. My sister said that the world would be better if I killed myself. It hurt so much.

 

I wrote my suicide letter already. I have seen the coldness of the world. Or at least of the people around me. I hate the world. I hate my life.

 

When there was a talk, the person said, "Everyone deserves to be happy. Happiness is a choice." I looked at the guy as though he was crazy. But I know. I've always known. I was the crazy one.

 

Feeling too much of the s around me, I went online and tried almost all the psychological tests. Almost all of them said I was in severe bipolar disorder. I still smile and have crazy ideas. I seem hyper at times where I think I'm unstoppable. But I don't remember the time I was happy or in bliss. The word "Happiness" sounds too distant to comprehend.