B E W A R E
I apologize beforehand to whoever is reading this. You can back out and ignore this ranting spree. Cause well, this is my blogpost. But if you want to read it, feel free. But if you don't then.. off. Yeah, I'm such a .
WHAT'SUUUUPMUTHAAH!
Let's start this with my ed up head with its crazy, idiotic as ideas. I've been writing for the past year, I think. All flunked as , knowing how I always get bored easily. My attention span beating a squirrel. I'm currently on to my one forgotten story and writing once again, the pressure building up deep inside knowing how lame and pathetic I am. Jeez. Why'd I even write these s? Ugh.. I'm making my life much more complicated even.
Well, on to my ed up reality. I flunked a class. I haven't told my parents about it nor my brother since well, I still want my iPad and gadgets. Well it's pretty stupid to post this right? Well, down right humiliating but then I just want to write down my thoughts and feelings. Who knows.. I might die tomorrow or the next day...
I actually hate the class. Like no . With all the chemicals and calculations. Like damn man! The I care about all those! I have my own ing problems to solve yet you just have to ing in. Thank you, just thank you.
But truth to be told, I'm always absent and late in class. My brother even calls me "Absenot". I don't know. I just don't feel like going too class. Being in a room full of people, but still feeling all alone with no one to hold on to you, no one to listen to you and care. Yes I have friends but I always feel like that. My ed up mind set on thinking that people only treat you like human cause they want something from you. It's idiotic but true. Been there, never want to go back.
I'm reserved. Aloof. Mean. Pessimistic. I admit.
That's why I'd rather spend my day and night typing in my room, locked and dark, diving into self loathing and loneliness. Rather than be with people who use you just for their benefit and their so called fun.
Maybe this is also a sign, a sign for my parents, especially my mom that I'm not that great. That I am what i am, a dissapointment and a burden. And then they'd shift their expectations to my eldest brother, like ALL of it and thus focus on his med school. He wants to be a doctor since he was young, since even before I was born and I adore how he is so willed to do what he wants, that he would do everything to reach his dream, his life long goal. I want him to be a doctor. He needs to be, he is destined to be one.
He'd already sacrificed pretty much for me. He was there for me when my own mother left and my father too would and they'd shower their love and attention to my other brather. He would protect me and I would rely on him, everything on him. Well yeah, he's strict like hell. Always reprimanding and bossy but he's always there for means for that I'm thankful.
I'm actually closer to him than I am I my mom. Maybe it's mainly because I didn't cope well with my mother's departure to another country. I was what.. 11 at that time and I, I needed my mom the most. I understand she needed to leave for the family and to settle the bills and schooling but then I just didn't cope up with her absence that well. It was okay at first, but then she wasn't there when I graduated from grade school and it hurts. Still hurts that she was there to witness my brothers walking their way to get their diplomas but she wasn't present on mine. My awkwardness with my mom worsened when she scolded me on Christmas via skype while we were at my Grandparents house because my grades decreased and I wasn't part of the honor roll thing. Then it dawned on me, the pressure and guilt glued together. Then my conversations with her started to get less and less, only with her talking, ordering and scolding me for things I've done and failed.
I'm a failure. Yeah..
So to those people who have been reading my stories, who's hopes are High with those . I just want to warn you that you're dear writer is a big messed up failure. A lame pathetic person. So, pardon for the that I made.
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