First of the update....about my gtop and gri fic... I'm still trying to get my finger around how to actually be able to post it or when to continue typing the story..... But I will I Promise! My target is this weekend!

Next a confession or I guess I don't have anyone to share this with... So I’m anonymously sharing this to everyone.... You see, from my previous blog entry it talked about how I got into a whirlwind work area... Which I just stumbled upon on suddenly by a surprise... It pays really well and I love my work area, the people, the travel and the demands/meeting.

but there's this something in the back of my head that always lingers....I still don't think what I have is actually enough in terms of experience to be at my level professionally, like I jumped around 10years of a supposedly career path. The price: I freaking don't have a time for dating. 

Anyways, the part I want to share is how the lingering looks or doubt I have in my own capabilities (which I must say I meet things beyond expectation of my bosses)...but the question "am I really qualified?!?" keeps haunting me. Then I just got promoted and then rose to stable status out of the whole country... Meaning all applicants got denied except me. I would've accredited it to my skills or great reviews... That I would've stop to think that I got this award because I deserve this a hundred percent... Until tonight. 

I know I have a HUGE CRUSH TO MY BOSS.. He was practically the one who hired me, found me lost and gave me a chance to prove myself. He entrusted me with all the failing accounts which he nearly lost that I turned around successfully; we worked hard side by side all the time. The chemistry was there, and the fact he's 33 years old only (roughly just shy of 6 years older)... We would ride to client calls, stockholder meetings and boiler room events as partners, sitting side by side and talking randomly. I would stare at his greyish blue eyes, blonde bleach hair he styles just right (like taeyang during his early moe hawk days) and just be happy to eat lunch and have a free access to him when we're together. It plays in my head what if the reason he hired me is because of looks or chemistry? He said flatly yeah at some degree because we need to get along to be good partners and effective bidders. Then 2013 came he signed my change of status and promotion all of the sudden, a record breaking of five months and got my first 6digit salary... I was shaking when I signed the contract. I started thinking; maybe I do deserve this.... The fast pace of my career. 

But then until tonight. This month he was moved to a different country, and he only have until this week. I found out he's leaving last year his last words were the he won't let me get lost in the system and he'll take care of me no matter what. I continued my work, adoring him from afar like how would Anastasia Steele would look at Christian grey. I was satisfied throughout but not until during the xmas party he got a little drunk and started getting touchy. I didn't mind and jut played along, then came January where his last few parties to wish him farewell happened. And during that time we were getting nostalgic and sentimental.  Until today his last work day, we went straight to a party and there I sung him a love song out of cajoling from others. The office had a funny joke that they revealed to our boss my crush to him. Then suddenly he sat beside me, and we started playing that we're a couple with matching an arm around my shoulder. Then drink booze and talk, he was joking how he was surprise that I am quiet I told him I am shy but then asked why I told him "it's because of you". He saw me blush and jokingly pinch my cheek and said no need to feel scared we're unwinding for the last time in our country as him a director and me his protégé.  He got me a margarita and we both started drinking. Until he couldn’t help but drag me to dance floor and we danced much to the enjoyment of our company mates. Then the next thing I knew he was grinding and so I did but we pretend to be laughing and just enjoy the flow. NOT UNTIL A PHONE CALL, it was his wife, the mother of his 2 kids and unborn child. I joked that his wife is looking for him and he said yeah thankfully and finally, I realized that our date is because he had a fight with his wife. 

After parting, went on my way and him on his, I was approached by a boss and told me to be careful... Your boss said that thankfully he his moving out of the country, or else. And he looked at me... That's when I realized: that tonight I am playing with fire and he admitted he is tempted as well. But then he placed his hands on my shoulder and he said "I’m too old for you..." with a squeeze he let go, but according to one of the other boss he was vocal at how wrong it would've been and a disaster for both of us: personally, professionally and sanity if he continued with me. 

I cried after finding this out... He invited me to his new country and that he'll hone me again like how he did in my office. I just hope by then I won't be playing with fire... Sniff...