Sample review
Title: [3.5/5]
Your title was okay, in my opinion. It is a little ironic because you put "Live" and "Death" together when those two terms are the complete opposite from each other. I feel that that really captured my attention, probe me further to click on your story and read it. When I first saw your title, I had a feeling the story would be about Jessica having a close shave from death or being reincarnated. However, in your story, it was about a girl who grew up in darkness and finding freedom. I feel that a title like "Living in the Dead" would be a better one to suit the story. Also, I would be lying if I said I had never seen titles similar to yours.
Appearance (Poster, graphics, etc): [5/5]
The poster was really well done. It suited the eerie and dark theme that your story has. The choice of pictures used for Donghae and Jessica was well picked. The fonts were great. Basically, it was splendid. It's also simple which I personally like.
Foreword/Description: [9/10]
Your description really did capture my attention. It was short, simple and sweet. It made me wonder how Jessica was going to escape, how she would survive and so on. It also made me want to know more about her background. Coming from a dark past is indeed something exciting. I love how you added a quote from your story which was what Jessica said.
"I live from the death. I live from the most frightening place that ever exist. I'm not afraid of you. I'm not because I live from the death."
The only thing that was kinda bothering me was the font. Maybe you could make it a tad bit bigger, for the sake of people with horrible eyesight *cough*like me*cough*.
Characterisation: [15.5/20]
One thing I'm really, really, really thankful is that you did not have a character chart or character descriptions. I'm glad you let your readers find out about your characters through your writing which is good. Really good, in fact.
I feel that Jessica had quite a good character development. Having lived in a scary and horrible place for almost all of her life was something that would influence a person's character. Through that, she was hardened and cold. But everything changed when she finally met Donghae who showed her the meaning of life.
Actually, I was really confused at the moment when she was caught. You said that "She was scared and shivered." and in the next few lines, it had became "She smirked without feeling scared.". I found this really unrealistic and contradictory because she suddenly changed to being brave in a matter of seconds? You could have placed the part about her being brave a little later when the man kept taunting her or made her feel a tad bit braver but her still being scared at the same time.
Donghae's character was kinda enjoyable, being all philosophical and all. His character did not have any development which I can understand because he was there to change Jessica and give her some hope. You portrayed his character through speech which is good.
Writing style: [6/10]
Your writing was simple and easy to understand. However, your kind of writing style is quite easy to find, actually. It's quite common. I think it would be better if you had describe the scenes a little more vividly.
Like for example, "It was an average-sized house that not used anymore.".
You can make the scene more alive by adding descriptive words about the house. The technique here is show not tell. Instead of saying that the house was not used anymore, try describing it.
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: [4/10]
I found quite a lot of these in your story. My advice would be to re-read your story or write it in Microsoft word so it can help you correct your mistakes.
Chapter 1:
She was the girl that born in the darkness, grown up under the gloomy horizon.
She was the girl who was born in the darkness, grew up under the gloomy horizon.
I live from the most frightening place that ever exist.
I live in the most frightening place that ever existed.
Jessica hurriedly got up from her sitting position and she had ready to run.
Jessica hurriedly got up from her sitting position and she was ready to run.
She didn't deserve it.
She didn't deserve this.
(If you are wondering what's wrong with this, it's because by saying "She didn't deserve it" was saying that she didn't deserve freedom which I don't think was what you meant.)
The soft win blew her hair lightly.
The soft wind blew her hair lightly.
She looked up to the sky, asking for a sign that she should continue the life or just stop put her hopes high.
She looked up to the sky, asking for a sign if she should continue with life or just stop putting her hopes high.
Jessica seemed to have a hard time to understand but she didn't give any responds in the end.
Jessica seemed to have a hard time understanding but she didn't give any response in the end.
Nor it was an agreement or was it disapproval.
Neither was it an agreement nor a disapproval.
He said nothing aside of mentioned his name;
He said nothing aside of mentioning his name;
Do I need to stay with the rest of my strengths?
Do I need to stay with the rest of my strength?
She knew that saying a simple thank you wasn't enough but it was better than she kept shut.
She knew that saying a simple thank you wasn't enough but it was better than keeping shut.
Chapter 2:
Jessica was having a hard time to understand again.
Jessica was having a hard time understanding again.
She was now looking for her new 'house'.
She was now looking for her new 'home'.
But someone gripped her arm harshly and made her faced the man.
But someone gripped her arm harshly and made her face the man.
She had caught.
She was caught.
Jessica felt her knees got weakened.
Jessica felt her knees weakened.
She ran with all the strengths she had and stabbed him from the front but she stood right behind him.
She ran with all the strength she had and stabbed him from the front but stood right behind him.
(Uh, I kinda got confused at this part. Stabbed him from the front but she's standing behind him? o_o)
But you promised to not to let me alone.
But you promised to not leave me alone.
You lie.
You lied.
You are lying!
You were lying!
Jessica had never thought it could turn to be like that.
Jessica had never thought it could turn out to be like that.
Plot: [17/20]
Your plot is nice and not cliché. It isn't much about love which is good for a change because most of the time, I would often see romance stories about Haesica. Honestly, when I first started reading this story, I was like "Oh, another cheesy fic about Donghae saving Jessica and they fall in love." or something like that but boy, was I wrong. I had never expected Donghae to be a ghost even though he kinda appear randomly in the story. I like how the plot proved me wrong of my first impression. Also, the plot had a really good meaning and moral in it. Points for you on that. :) Though you could have elaborated more on Jessica's past. Was she a slave? I don't really know.
Flow: [9/10]
Your flow was okay. Not too fast, not too slow. I don't really have much comments on this.
Overall Enjoyment: [7/10]
I kinda enjoyed the story. The only thing that was hindering me from liking it even more was probably all the grammar and spelling errors. There are times when I got confused. Like in the first chapter, she was thankful for Donghae but in the next one, she kinda treated him with a cold attitude. Your story is not perfect and had quite a few flaws, which I understand since we're all humans but I'd say that your story is better than most of the fics out there in AFF.
Total: [76/100]
So how's it? >< This would be how I review a fic. I would only list out the grammar/spelling/punctuation errors if the story is two chapters or less. If there are more than two chapters, I would ask them to re-read their story properly. I tend to be a little strict. :/ but I hope it's okay. Ehehe. Btw if the story has more than 90 marks, could you have it featured on the shop? :D Well, that is if I even become part of your shop.
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