review link.
my most recent review, and my style has kinda evolved after a year. i lost all the other links so i had to post up ;_; HAHA.
story: read here. (lj kind of screwed the format OTL)\
my tone here is more friendly and lax because i was reviewing for a friend.
***
Title: 8/10
Storyline: 15/20
Appearance: 5/5
Writing Style: 7/10
Characterization: 6/10
Story Flow: 7/10
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: 15/20
Creativity and Originality: 10/10
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Sub-Total: 78/100
Bonus: 5/5
Total: 83/100
Title:
I would have given full marks if it was something you came up with, because I thought Once Upon A Memory is a really clever title, (unfortunately a song HAHA) but still, it relates to the story, the characters, and the conflict. Kudos!
Storyline:
I especially loved the intro of the story. It made me think about it, (and I think that's what stories are also about, reflecting) and I very much agree with the theory (HAHA), so there was plus points for that.
Also, I have to say that the plot is very interesting, had me glued from the start to the end, and though I saw some parts coming, (which is why I docked off a little marks and I'll touch it at the creativity part) there were still good twists that I didn't see coming.
In addition, the whole story revolves around the intro and that's a (damn good) connection made, because many (that I've reviewed LOL) failed to do that, rambling on about bull. (tsk)
Appearance:
FINALLY SOMEONE WHO KNOWS SOMETHING CALLED PARA-GODDAMN-GRAPHING! Gosh. My eyes bleed and cry every-time I review stories. Clean, clear, paragraphing, decent font size and color (gosh I had to read one in ing yellow w t f, so I copied paste or I'll kill the writer)
Writing Style:
Okay I love your writing style, i think you should know that you're one of my favorite writers (awwww, yes HAHA. Many I came across too._.), however I realize that you tend to repeat certain words throughout, and there's this annoyingly (small but damn obvious) amount of slangs you included in. It's very striking to me, because you've got a wicked set of writing skills, good vocabs, great grammar (yay) so when you make a blunder, it becomes really obvious.
Pointing out:
"It had been a very tiring week of going out and partying non-stop,"
•It had been a very tiring week of late nights and (hardcore-you can add if you want to for emphasis) partying.
-"going out" just seemed off D: probably a tad lax in that context.
"It was a cosy kitchen, with a few cabinets and drawers surrounding a little dining table with all four chairs pushed in"
•It was cosy, having some sort of comfort, with a few cabinets and drawers surrounding a little dining table with all four chairs pushed in.
"She observed the simple kitchen without a question." (repeating words)
•She observed; the kitchen was near and tidy, nothing out of place.
"The living room was just as simple....cosy feel...kitchen...as neat."
(repeating words)
•The living room was equally simplistic and just neat.
"pretty empty for a living room."
•rather empty (slang #1)
"but this one...one small shelf...television"
•a small shelf, drilled to the wall above the television.
"On closer inspection," (repeating words)
•Looking intently,
"Questions were beginning to make...mind."
•Questions started to pour, and her thoughts ran a little wild, and...house.
"Noticed...hair such a strange color"
•his hair was in such a strange color
"...couldn't communicate...frustrating her a little."
•couldn't communicate with him was frustrating her a little
"seriously going to fail her"
•RID OFF SERIOUSLY. Enough said. (HAHA)
"it wasn't until she looked up...did she realize that the...man."
•did she realized
"through themorning"
•left out a spacing ^^
"However as time went past."
•However as time passed by.
•stop at "harden her heart," the latter part seemed excessive.
----
Pretty minor stuff actually, no sweat. I make careless blunders sometimes too / u g h/
Characterization:
I really liked the guy, he's an interesting character, (my writer twisted mind has evolved his meticulous habits into some sort of mental disorder--OCD HAHA), likeable. cool name too. HAHA.
[scale of 1-10: 8.5]
As for the girl, her feigned arrogance seemed a little boring for me. And since it's a one shot and written in her pov (sorta) about the guy, I don't feel as connected to her. Doesn't mean I dislike her, just neutral.
[scale of 1-10: 5]
You're very detailed in description,(the mini wooden equine, the house, his features.) which is really good and impressive, but you tend to add in excess words or repeat them. Nooo don't, it'd ruin your good story ;___;
Creativity/originality:
I totally saw it coming that she was invisible HAHA. Idk why though, sixth sense xD but it's okay, it doesn't give off much. And I figured that guy carved the wooden equine but what totally caught me off guard was that he confessed and rejected her. (no wonder he looks familiar haha) kudos on that!
The intro still gets to me, good descriptive writing also got you your bonus marks (yay). I really loved the intro! The ending was good too, there's no dialogue (no need for small talks, most writers have the tiest and stupidest dialogues idek why) and its open for all sorts of possible endings.
It's a really sweet story, the music plays a huge part too, I felt like I was watching a scene from a movie (no joke, it acts like a background music xD)
I really enjoyed reading this and I was quite touched by it ;_; (partly the music gosh yes good trick) and i thought it was sad too, the part where he spent so much effort and time on the wooden horse but she just dismiss him so coldly. Makes me think about how there's so many different sides to every story and scenes, scenarios, situations, people.
Had me laughing a little at some point. (the pride and picking the leaves part)
And yes I would actually read it if it was a novel! :-)
xx,
grace
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