I really like watching Teens react. Today I found out through them about Amanda Todd. I know many of you have diffferent opinions about her. Yet still I wept like a baby.

I am bullied since the day I came back to my own country. This will be boring, but to those who care I want them to understand why to this day I am well...me.

When I was six, my familly and I emigrated. My mom, dad and me were living in Ireland for three - four years. Best years of my life. Then suddenly I started to forget my native language and speak English more and more. Thus our familly going back home. We learned a lot compared to what we had before emigration. Before we lived in the blackest poverty there was. I came back different. The Irish culture was/is better in so many ways compared to our. Maybe it has to do something that we belonged to Soviet Union for quite a while before.

I came back a happy person and I do not overdose saying my current classmates killed me inside. Yes I was fat. Yes I made mistakes. And yes I was far too naive for my age. When I came back I went into shock. There were jokes about me everywhere. Iwas so lost. I would go and pick up rocks and look at them. It didn't help when my mom got pregnant. My dad was still in Ireland and she had her hormones. I was the only one there during her sad and mad sesions. Soon my sister was born. The same year the [what I call] black spot began. Ireally do not remember much out of my 11-14 years, only the worst episodes that sometimes comeback.

My parents really cared for my grades. To that point they would threaten and yell at me if I got 70%. 80% was the line I shoouldn't have pass. If I got lower I would be terified. I'd cry and my classmates and teachers would laugh at me. No one believed me. Who would? My mom works with law and my dad became a buisness man. We were the 'intellegent family'. Soon my teenager life kicked in. I started questioning all of their parenting methods and argued back. That's how I met the slap and hair pulling. I remeber my mother pulling on my hair through all of the house to a mirrow and facing me in front of it, yelling at me how fat and disgusting I was. She would slap me and I'd cry. I don't anymore. You see one day I heard them laugh at me when I ran off and then I stopped. Never again I cried in anyone's eyes. Not once.

My parents hurt me frequently until I reached 17. This year they slowed off. Still yesterday my dad felt like it would be nice to kick me, because I yelled that I can't pull off all the school work. The want me to become a doctor. I hate it. And I have no saying in it. My mother has an unique dictionary, this year's top was when she called me - the leftover of abortion. Funny.

My school is small so word goes around fast. It is seven years I'm dealing with bullies, but they still remind me the incidents from when I was 11. That year I had an illness, one day I peed my pants - word got around "The fat girl peed","This is this type of jeans" It still gets me when they yell it in the midddle of lessons. My parents tried dealing with it, but stopped eventuly. The illness stoped, but the bullies didn't. Fun fact the one who spread them has the same illness. Why is he still doing it?

My parents are not bad. They just have their moments. School is school. Nothing anyone can do. I'm 17 Itry to fight everything pretending to be that careless girl who doesn't give a . But there are days, when both your home and school hate you. You are alone those times and sometimes you think of bad things. At the age of 15 I swallowed far too much medicine on purpose. I said to myself: "If I die - it was meant to be. If I wake up - I have no right to stop and give up." I was dissapointed that morning, yet here I am here now.

Days are hard for me, but I try. I really do. I hold onto kpop and SHINee like a lifesaver. It was what I found y coinsidence and what hlped me relax and discover dancing again. That is why these days I write, because while real life seems to be hating you, I try to forget the day and live my dreams here.

What I wrote here is true and my everyday story. I have only you guys and I am thankful. This is not pity asking. This is showing my true self openly.There is so much details that are not mentioned, but it is better for you to just know the basics.

That was my story.

And as always,

Jup jup.

P.S. vote for shinee on mama.