i recently realized that i hated being alone.

i've come to understand the difference between lonely and alone as i age older day by day. for all things and journeys i have gone through, then all stories i have created (as a history), i begin to understand myself more and more.

let's say i have two persons i really want (to be by my side). even though they are so close to me, in some aspects i am unable to reach them because i am too afraid of what they would think if i made a move, to show that i really need them. lately, i can't sleep peacefully and properly. something pressures me in my chest and it's becoming hard to breathe calmly. i am never a person who can maintain a good friendship and relationship without being awkward. i realize how i am close to letting it slip away from my reach.

i am a kind of girl who believe that 'falling in love' can mean so many things, like romantically or only about  a strong and deep friendship/bond.

i fall in love and get attached to same person(s) repeatedly. i don't know, but i think it's just their presences make me feel comfortable and secure. i am always unable to convey my thoughts and feelings properly because i am bad at dealing with myself. even, when i interact with my family members, sometimes i can't say what i really need honestly. in the end, i always smile and say it's enough already.

I am such a greedy person. when i want someone to stay by my side, i will try to keep them, but at the same time i feel it's horrible to be so selfish, so i give up and my feelings are unsettled down. i never really get someone i really like to stay with me. i reject whom i don't want, and that's why i feel so horrible and terrible, but sometimes it's because i am scared that there would not be any comfortableness again (i've experienced it and it ended up painfully) if i am not with persons i choose (even though they don't know it.. yet). usually i am quite open to smile and laugh, but i am really a person who don't usually share my feelings with others. i choose to keep a distance with people i don't accept thoroughly, just because i'm a little bit reserved?

my environment keeps changing, yet since i've found two persons, one girl and one boy, to whom i want to be close, and even though my world is steadily moving differently, i only want them to be around me and i don't want anyone. i don't care about the friendships or relationships or any titles. i just want them to be by my side because i have found them, but i can't say it. for a person who likes to keep everything alone, it's really hard and tough because the feelings are growing greedier and needier.

also, have i mentioned that i really have a worst habit when it's about sleeping in unfamiliar places?

it's really hard, to be honest. not because i hated the place, but if i am not with familiar persons, i would be wide awake or nervous.

but then when i sleep with one of them by my side, even though it's in my car or uncomfortable, ridiculous places to sleep, i feel so safe, because i share the place with them.

when i realized it for the first time, i knew that they would be so important for me.

but again a ridiculously awkward girl like me, who always joke around happily but can never honestly confess what i really feel and need, always struggle to keep close to them, even though we are good friends already.

when i think that it feels so warm whenever i touch their hands and hair, i realize that 'ah, humans can be this warm and comfortable.'

maybe it's because you've grown fond of them, no?

wanting to be dotted on, yearning for a warmth.. and falling in love.

i think it's same for everybody.

but i have never thought it would be this pressuring and hard, haven't i?