So firstly happy birthday to our pretty leader Jinyoung!! May B1A4 continue to be in success! / mentally hug you boys!!! /

Secondly, is something I'm very afraid of discussing with others.. 
That is something like an eating disorder, but I don't know how to describe it, so let's just call it that ok?
You see, just now around 10pm ++ , I suddenly felt the urge to have my dinner. Plus I was using my laptop in the kitchen, and the smell of the curry was just sooo tempting. So I walk towards the clean dishes, and even hesitated.. whether should I really eat or not. After seconds of fighting with my inner thoughts, I end up eating anyway lol. 

But I'm scared. Why? For 2 simple reasons.

1. I stood infront of the rice cooker for close to 3minutes, just contemplating whether I should really eat or not. I end up in the cycle of scooping up the rice and then placing it back in the cooker. But in the end I took it anyway, just a bit of a portion. / not lying /

2. While I was eating, my thoughts could never stop reminding me of how it'll gain my weight, and I won't be fit in no time. And also, my hand was kinda shaky while I was eating. The sad thing is, I don't know whether it's because I feel guilty of eating or because it's been so long since I had a proper meal. Yes it's scary.

And after that, what happen? I'm not sure if this is something stupid but.. instead of putting the dish in the sink, I end up going for my second round. And there goes again, my stupid thoughts about how I won't be able to get rid of my already present belly. Oh my glob, it's really tiring. Throughout eating my second round, I kept telling my self that, "Oooh, this is really delicious" to fight of the stupid voice. Gah, what's happening to me?

I've never been in this state before, not lying. I don't know.. Sigh. Did I just realised now that I'm 16 and should be looking pretty + fit? Or what's happening? Isit because of the environment I'm in? I'm I scared of something or anything?

But tbh, I miss my old body. Ever since my last year in high school, where I have to step down from my CCA (extra activities), which is Soccer, I really did change. Since I loved eating and, when I stop playing soccer, means my main source of exercising is now gone. So from having abs, it all turned into fat. And now I'm just as lazy and unmotivated. I don't know what to do. Sigh ok bye.