.

Feelings are the most screwed up thing a human has. And also the greatest, so they say. I don’t think I disagree. Still, I know at least once we all wanted to have no feelings at all.

Like right now, I wish I could just hit the ‘numbness’ button. Not that I’m on verge of tears or anything. I’m just tired. I just want a break.

A break from dreams and nightmares that make me rememberevery ing nightthings that happened to me, people that hate and despise me even if I’ve done nothing but try to help them;

A break from the memories of happy times that are forever gone and even undervalued by those who lived it with me;

A break from the feeling of how safe it felt to be embraced, loved, missed, wanted and cared for by someone.

But most of all, I wanted a break from the need to feel like that again. Because even if everything in life has 50% chances of going wrong, even knowing the sun doesn’t shine forever, I want to know it is possible. I want to feel it on my skin, in my heart. I want to be able to say «I ing told you I would smile again!», knowing that I did so because I didn’t give up.

But it’s just exhausting sometimes.

Sometimes I just want a break.

I would ask for a hug… but I’ve come to realize that it just makes me miss even more the warmth of it all.

And here I am, my heart screaming to feel safe again and my brain shutting it off like «shut up loser, you’re stronger than that so up».

It doesn’t make any sense, does it?

Yeah, welcome to my human mind.

*