Abominable

by TheLaughingKirby and -icecreamPuff-

Reviewer: Ataraxy

Title: 5/5

It is different, and has a relation with your story. Your title kind of revolves around your story, so good job! :)


Description/Foreword: 10/15
What you wrote in your foreword should be placed in the description and what you wrote in the description should be placed in the foreword.

There are some grammatical error in the foreword/description/even your author's notes. You should correct them, because they can be a major turn off and chase potential readers away.

The sentences also sound choppy, 

You wrote: He just stands there, still busy with his things.

What I recommend: It would be better is you take away 'still', the sentence will then sound less awkward.

You wrote: The room is filled with the silence that kills me every time I hear my own breath- his own breath.

What I recommend: The room, filling with silence that kills me every time I hear his and my own breath.

You add in a lot of unnecessary words that choke up and strains the whole sentence.

On the other hand, I like how you add in a excerpt from your story, it draws the readers in, so good good job! :)

Plot: 18/25
Your plot in this case is different. I guess that there isn't a main plot, more like a plot with many comflicts mashed up together. That is fine, but sometimes I think that you throw in conflicts too casually and randomly. They put me off guard, but not always in a good way. When you add in a bump or conflict in the story, you have to think if it is realistic or relevant to your story. Your plot is good, it's there, but they give off the feeling like you did not go through actually planning for it. 


Characterization: 11/20
Your writing style focuses more on voices, in which the character has many thoughts swirling around her mind. You don't elaborate on the surroundings, but the feelings instead. I know that Jessica is meant to be cold and unfeeling, but she doesn't give off that vibe to me while I was reading. The way you portrayed her was very mechanical, yes you do write a lot on her personality but so what? You don't need a thousand flowery words to make the readers cry/pity/angry, sometimes a few words can do the job. In another words, you need to choose the right words to narrate your story, and not making it too dry instead.

Also, I do not see much development in Jessica, she remains cold through out. Maybe when she was with Sehun, she shed off her exterior, but otherwise, I don't see her growing. She come off to me as a rash, judgmental and jealous person. As I read your story, I actually grew a certain kind of resentment towards her.


Flow: 5/10
If you are thoughtful enough, please italicizing your flashbacks. Your story has a lot of flashback, and you don't italicize them. That made me confuse while reading your story, and creates a sense of jerkiness in it. 

It would be good if there isn't a lot of flashback as well, I get confuse with the time frame of the story. But otherwise, your flow is okay.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: 12/15
Since English isn't your first language, I shall be realllyyyyy lenient with you. 

Your main problem is that you change your tenses a lot. I would recommend you to use past tense, and stick to it.

I remember that when I was in Primary school (my country uses the british education system, hence Primary school, which is when I was about 6-12 years old), my teachers always emphasize on using past tense for our compositions/essays  , why?

Because past tense is a whole lot easier, only use present tense when you have a good grasp on your grammar.

Your spelling and vocabulary is fine. Sometimes you misuse a few words but they are negligible in your case. 


Enjoyment: 6/10
I don't really enjoy it because Jessica's character pisses me off sometimes. But I don't blame you because I personally like reading boyxboy stories more. Many authors tend to make the main female character unrealistic, they also like to invoke 'harem' into it. However, I also like how you put in ion inside, although it is used often, it is a good attempt.



Reviewers Comment

Considering the fact that your first language isn't English, this story is really good. 

All you need to do is to brush up your grammar, reconsider your plot, strengthen your plot, and also italicize your flashbacks to make your story flow better. 

But good job, and keep up the good work!



Total: _67__/100