My own confession
So I was originally happy in that place. That was like one of my considered happy haven since I have people who I care and cherish so much in that place and I thought we hell match. But weeks ago, I didn't know that the feeling that I refuse to feel could sink again into me. After years of existence, I only felt that in my so called family. You know kids who grew up in a broken family + no mom and dad to care scenario, this is supposed to be normal. With me. BUT, I didn't know that I could feel that in that place too. And more so after feeling that, the feelings that I learned to forget and hide behind my shadow was then presented in a silver platter, shoving it in my face and slapping it to me. I was really afraid and was on the verge of breaking down (well I did break down, leaving the dorm to party alone, popping a pill or two or three and drowning self to alcohol till I felt high and light sorry bishes for I have to lie that I only used two downers but I'm done with that I dun want Kaycee to strangle mah neck XD). I felt stupidly okay for a bit and then after a day or two they came asking me why I was like this, why I was like that.
So I don't know now if maybe I'm really THAT stupid. I know yeah. I could be really stupid. But I don't think that I'm even deserving for that kind of treatment. I haven't even showed the real in that place, how much more if I did right?. But there's a part of me saying maybe yeah, because you're stupid, a mean outside that place and they can't tolerate your stupidity, you were deserving to be treated that way. Not worthy of their trust and not as equally treated with the way you treat them. Maybe that's my karma for being this kind of person and yeah, deal with it. You don't deserve some people anymore. You could keep those that you have and maybe, don't settle for new acquaintances. You don't deserve them anyway.
It's me and my crazy attachment to people when I consider them as friends. I tend to go overboard with my attachment to my friends, the way I out and then go crazy the next and then laugh and then bully our dearest old bij momma star (you could ask my PAF es abt that and you'll get the tiest answers from them like I'm a , a lier and more so HAHAHA. But this don't affect me bec they are the tiest person I know too. The feeling's mutual es HAHAHAHA) but I swear to God that even I'm this kind of a , I don't hurt my friends for the purpose of hurting them. And I cherish and love them like my own family because I never experienced having one. I could be a real sweet bij too. It's just that sometimes I don't show it to people bec idk. Cos I'm stupid maybe HAHA. Growing up alone with no parents was really hard. The feeling of being unwanted since I was on 5th grade was hell. And then when I thought that I was already out of that scene, happened that the only thing I realized that leaving is the only option. I left home (and it's been a year since I left home and then now I am leaving (THANK GOD, FINALLY THEY ALLOWED ME) that place too.
Leaving was the only option that I chose and the only way to save my own . Idc if unknown people hurt me, but they've been so dear and I love them, so it hurts thousand times greater than any enemy could do. So while I'm on the process of leaving, I outcast myself like a plain stupid person and the companion I have is a pen and my precious monkey notebook which I use to write fics. Well at least this people are making me productive because I could write and well imagine my ships and be happy alone in the corner. Also, my anxiety attacks have gone worse. It's been a week officially when I started the "sit in the corner, talk when needed" remedy at that place and they are all on panic mode which left me thinking, hey I thought I am like , so now I'm acting like one, what's the panic for? Some people are just confusing and I don't know what to do with them anymore. Well, giving them a taste of their own medicine and unleashing the for real bij maybe. This is how I roll now. I'm tired of playing nice with those people. I already tried but then my efforts were not recognized.
Now I'm really sorry for the stupidity ne~ this is not contagious though. Don't worry :)
Anywho, I just wanna tell people who can tolerate me and stayed even if I'm like this that I really really thank you gais. This is plain dramatic (so not me HAHA) but bec this buddy here is a bipolar, lemme thank you all <3
For making me feel that sometimes, I'm well deserving of some friends and some love and caring and greases and fluffs (ahhh A, my little fluffball, I learned this from yah ♥)
For making me feel that I got family and someone has got my back when I need to.
I'm not really sure if I'm a good friend or not but you gais are just so good to me I feel like crying :')
TO OSMz
M, U, A, D, Z, E, J, S + the currently abducted N
MY WRITER FRIENDS LAAAAH! You guys are really really so OSM, and I just thank EXO for letting me know you all. For the comforting words (to M, sorry for always bothering you and for ranting my off everytime I don't really feel good XDD You also cheer up okay. I got yo back too~) and for believing in this little talent I got in writing. You were actually one of the reasons why I got the urge (SORRY I JUST READ WIS HERE, SO LE urge WORD JUST POPPED HAHA) to write again. I just hope I have such passion and talent and writing skills of meh. AND YEAH TO MY LITTLE FLUFFBALL A, CONGRATULATIONS TO YAH! I'm forever proud everytime I open AFF seeing your greasy BaekYeol in the featured story. Keep le OSMness ne~
To my PAF ES
BEYB, OLD WOMAN MOMMA BIJ STAR (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) SIS
I don't really know why I'm friends with you gais. You're no good to me. You corrupt my head everytime (WELL COUGH OLD WOMAN), ruin my innocence and me out and you're so mean to me and you gais are liers and all but I love you because we're YURI and we're es and we flock together just like feathers of a friggin bird (uhm whut O_O HAHA see what you've done to me!) I'm just really thankful you know :') Can't explain further bec you won't believe me anyway. HAHAHA.
To my bestfriend in Italia~
For bugging you everytime thru BBM. You know I'm thankful I got a blackberry you know. You became one text away~ I'm sorry and I hope you get to decide on what you really want. You can always go home here in the PH just like when we we're kids. Or yeah, we can go to our Canada plans or whichever. I love you and I'm missing you as always since you left when we we're on 6th grade :))
and to some more others who kept giving me comforting advices and their love and their support. I cannot thank everybody but I'm really grateful. I'm just happy that there are some people who can stay :)
THANK YOU AND ILY PEOPLE / THROWS HEARTS AND BARFS RAINBOWS AND GLITTERS FOR CLOSING SPIEL /
Smallest spot because I need to release this anyway so I'd be at peace. Bipolar dude, you know I really really miss the old you. I wish we can just go back to those times we we're really good. And we don't do this fights and we converse like it's always our first time and we laugh and joke and fool around. I just miss the old you. I don't know what happened to us. But I am not liking it because I don't know. It's plain awkward whenever I get to talk you :(. Make up your mind REAL SOON okay.
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