Time for me to write a blog post that will help me vent my stress, anger, and other emotions that have piled up. Warning: It's super long (I mean it. It could be a oneshot or something)

First off: The Kpop Phase.

I recall it was around 2010 when I first got into KPOP thanks to my friend in my Japanese who showed me a video of SHINee's RingDingDong. I hate to admit it, but I first found them super weird regarding the clothes they wore, the dances they danced and simply just their voices. I checked it out at home, and was embarassed when my sister asked 'What the hell is that', and closed it immediately. I never really got into bands or groups before that, and I decided to show my cousin who constantly changed her bias groups/individuals. I had only heard RDD, but I saw one called Lucifer and I decided to show her that.

Not only did she get freaked out, I have to admit that I did too. Their designs were so weird - the hair, makeup, dances and clothing in particular. I didn't understand why they did that to themselves. So, I didn't really pay much attention to SHINee after that until 2011.

I met a girl (as some of you may know, the one that is on AFF and I do not enjoy talking/being around her much) and she was so into KPOP. There weren't a lot of people I knew that were in my 2011 class, so to make more friends, I started getting back into KPOP so that I could talk to her and her friend. (On another note, us three liked which also helped a little). She said she liked SHINee too, so I decided 'Hey, why not liking SHINee again?'

I started falling into this phase that I now address to as the 'kpop phase', where every single song in my Ipod was korean, I wanted to learn korean, I wanted to dye my hair, I wanted all this korean merchandise and just so much more. 

But then, those 'wants' just started disappearing one by one after I got to know some Koreans in my school. This may not apply to all of them, but they care alot about their appearance and most of them hardly pay attention in class. They are a very...I'm not too sure how to explain, but they would choose to hang out with Koreans than anyone else if I had to say. It finally made me realise that perhaps 'Kpop Idols' were just 'Idols' after all, and not every Korean out there would be as y and good looking as them.

After that realisation, I didn't want to dye my hair anymore, I didn't want any korean merchandise, and Korean songs slowly made their way out of my Ipod. I hung onto the fact of wanting to learn Korean, since it will be my 5th language and I love learning new languages. However, due to my recent career option changes, I realised that it would be better to focus on Japanese as to learn Korean, since my Japanese is not near perfected and I would like it to be. Then, with that final push of  learning Japanese, I gave up on learning Korean all together.

It's taken almost a year and a half for me to get over such a 'phase', and I am actually quite happy that I did. No longer would my standards be raised so high, or would I have to bother my parents about dying my hair or purchasing kpop merchandise (it's their money after all.) Yes, I'll still pay attention to the Kpop world once in a while, but I won't be so attatched to it. After all, it is just a phase and I can't like it forever. People change, interests change, likes changes - and I change too.

Secondly: Fanfiction Phase

As I was so into Kpop, I decided that there should be a way to express that. I loved , and I liked Key and Jonghyun from the RDD era. I searched them up, and I found a particular thing called 'Jongkey'. It was , and involved Key and Jonghyun. I was extremely happy about this 'discovery', and I began to read these things called 'fanfiction'. At first, I had to browse and sift through a lot of Jongkey fanfictions to find the ones that I enjoyed reading, and I did manage to find a few. As I used to be passionate about writing (and I won a prize once lol), I decided that I should give writing fanfiction a shot. I was immediately hooked on and amazed at how the ideas came (they were super cliche to begin with, but I still forced them out).

Writing back then used to be all about 'pleasing the subscribers, readers and commenters' as to 'pleasing myself'. If one single commenter did not like something, I would consider it for ages and perhaps remove that particular area. It was a dream to be featured back then for me, and I worked...not so hard to achieve it. 

It was when I began reading rants and guides to writing when I discovered that in fact, my writing wasn't as good as I had expected, or as good as the commenters had been saying. I rewrote Chained and Contract to My Heart (Chained is going through a third rennovation, if you want a specific number) and as my English skills improved, my stories improved along with it. I didn't want to be featured anymore after actually reading the featured stories - because to be honest, they were just ordinary, if not below average. (With the exception of some!)

However, after writing for about a year and a half (seriously, what's with this time period), things started to get stressful as I paid more attention to school work. I couldn't push out updates like I did in the past - perhaps two or three chapters in a month. Updates gradually got unfrequent as ideas didn't come out at all. I tried to set a date for writing, but I'd always procrastinate and just end up browsing 9gag or something. I said to myself 'Perhaps I should just write a chapter a month. It'll get my ideas sorted and I should be able to manage that'

I was wrong.

Now with a deadline, I was stressed out beyond what my body could imagine. I remember having gastric problems (stomach pains and stuff) because I was so stressed about having to push out chapter after chapter. That was when I began to question myself about writing - what I am writing for, how am I doing it, how is it affecting me, why am I doing it, and is it worth it? 
The answer to the last question was no. It's not worth it. It's not worth neglecting my school work just to push out a chapter. it's not worth abadoning other important things to write for no apparent reason. It's just not worth it. 

And that, all piled up, just resorted into me, wanting to quit writing.

I found another passion instead - translating, and researching. I discovered that I love translating chapters of manga for fans (fan for fan service), and I just loved learning and researching about my future career. Those would help me perhaps more than what writing fanfiction could ever do - I could practice my Japanese, Chinese and English skills through translating, and I could learn more and have a more stable path to university with researching and studying.

So, in the end, I will quit writing. It was too just a 'phase', one that will eventually fade, die and leave my life.I'll move like most of the other authors on this site, and find something else to do.

-end-

Wow, I wrote a lot. It sounded a lot more emotional then I had intended for it to be. I know heaps of you didn't read it, but I just needed a way to vent my emotions. I should actually be writing Chapter 10 for CTMH right now, but...nah, it's already noon here and I haven't' even had breakfast. perhaps it is time for me to take a long break.