Soooo~ I've sorta been MIA from this site- every once and a while I'll pop in and out but other wise I haven't been on nearly as much as I used to... that's in a count of the fact that it sort of feels like a monster is beginning to creep up inside of me. I've sorta been dealing with depression my entire life, it's something that looms over my shoulder and waits patiently for my walls to crumble so with all the stress and isolation I've been feeling the past few months it's gotten easier access to my psyche. All of the things I used to take pleasure in- drawing, reading, writing, have become more of a chore to me the past few months even when they're the few things that really make me feel alive, but my depression is ruining these things as well as my relationships with my friends and family...

I'm not writing this because I want sympathy, I'd never do that, I just feel as though I haven't been quite honest with you guys as to why I've been MIA.

Really though, just the fact that I'm admitting to it has to be a good sign. I think this random confession has something to do with the fact that I've been trying to been healthier lately. I've been doing alot of soul searching and have come to the conclusion that my inability to open up, to be healthier to be happier is a direct result from my depression- and me being the ever stuborn person I am I can't take that sitting down, I'd never be able to live with my self if I didn't beat this thing. I've been taking it slowly though, entering in little things like more water, less salty food, eating well but not to much- I won't lie, I've slipped up about a million times but I'm trying and that's a big step in comparison to how I'd been.

but the truth is, I'm starting to consider going to a Psychiatrist, and that seriously scares the living out of me.... part of me feels that if I do go to someone that it admits to defeat... and that's really difficult for a prideful thick headed person like me... but it's hard this time around, really hard, as though there's an open wound that's just sitting there festering inside me... I need to swallow my pride, I need to look my monster in the eyes but I know good and well I won't be able to do it alone.

http://www.soompi.com/2012/07/13/fx-amber-with-long-hair/

In other more Kpop news, Amber got a twitter!!! 

which brings me on to note how annoying people can be on the topic that is Amber... and I'm totally not excluding me, I know I can been pretty annoying too. Just, ah, it annoys me when ever I read comments like "so Amber is a girl!" or "I really have trouble seeing Amber as a girl" or even "ah, I can't look"

the real question I want to ask everyone who makes these statements is, is there really a doubt in your mind that Amber is a girl? are you under the assumption that Amber is actually a boy? that she was born with male parts because it's so completely UNREALISTIC that a girl could feel comfortable in guys clothes! it's so unrealistic that a girl would even want to wear boys clothes.

maybe it's my inner feminist but it's seems pretty closed minded to me to think that way- that only boys can where jeans and larger tees, that girls MUST wear "skinny" clothes, that they need to wear frills and makeup and appear absolutely perfect. 

I'm not going to get into the "Amber's a lesbian" argument this time around, to me it doesn't matter if she is or isn't and really, I've said it before, dressing like a "boy" doesn't indicate your ual preference.

the question is though, why does the way we dress and carry our selves determine whether we're a "real girl" or not? why must we change our selves to fit the social norms just because people are so (for lack of better words) stupid? I grew up as a tomboy, I know what it's like to go through my life having people question my femininity, questioning my uality- I went through life thinking differently then "normal" girls, enjoying activities that other girls didn't... but that didn't make me any less of a girl.

What Era are we living in, why should it be that girls must be like this, or boys must be like that- haven't we already learned that there is no perfect human, that we all think differently... that we're all so perfectly imperfect that having these social norms only strips us of freedom? 

but to be a bit more upbeat, I think she looks rather adorable^^ there were also recent pictures of Sulli's short hair, I think it'd be pretty hilarious if for their next promotion they both switch their normal hairstyles, to have Amber go long while Sulli goes short^^ oh and the recent knowledge that Amber's buddies with JB and JR has brought me to the conclusion that Amber is everyones friend, that getting surprised over any of her friendships in pointless anymore because she's pretty much a friend magnet^^ I'm particularly into the JBAmber friendship though, they both have such pretty smiles^^