I've yet to write a blog post on here. I don't...really blog. ^^ I mean I have tumblr, but even there my followers ignore me...which makes no sense XD

Anyway on to my reason for blogging here today : my best friend.

I have a best friend. And her smile lights up a room. Her laugh, boisterous, contagious, unique. But I haven't seen her smile lately. Haven't really heard her laugh. Sure, I make a joke, she laughs a little. Or puts a smiley, LOL, LMAO, etc. My best friend lives far away from me, enough that it's hard for us to see each other. So it's hard for me to help my best friend, who is sadder and sadder every day. She feels lost, broken maybe, self-conscious definitely. She's beautiful.

She doesn't look how she wants to look, which I understand because I also don't look how I want to look. To me, it doesn't make her less beautiful. Usually I can distract her from her pain. At least a little, I'm not going to be cocky and say all of it, all the time, but to my knowledge enough of it that it eases her sadness. Just a little. Just enough. But I can't do it anymore, I've lost my touch, I've not learned, in my 25 years, how to comfort to this degree. She's my first real, true, honest to goodness friend with no ulterior motives, no need to torture me, make me feel less than I am to make her feel better. She is the first best friend I've had that I can be proud to call my best friend. And...I guess...I just wanted to tell everyone how awesome she is. I won't tell you WHO she is, because she may not want publicity, especially about her pain. Instead, I'll tell you what she's done for me. And it's a lot.

My memory is holey. Literally, a past trauma made it hard for me to remember things, for example...I can't really remember much before the age of 16. Bits and pieces, sometimes more if I concentrate. She knows I forget. So I hope she forgives me if I forget just how long I've known her. It feels, to me, like forever, cause I literally can barely remember my life without her in it. I believe it's been 4 or 5 years. When we argue, I forget not to bring up things that I suddenly remember angered me before. I'm working on it...but I think I still do it. *makes face* She's patient, even when I don't deserve it. She knows I'm stubborn, that I'm easily hurt and angered sometimes...no. Most times. so even while we fight, she puts her anger and hurt inside to try to talk it out with me. Remember, I've said she's the first friend I've ever had that was not harmful in some way. So only in the last year have I learned that I don't need to lash out when she does this. I don't need to 'talk later'. I don't need to sit and stew and stay angry or hurt. I learned that sometimes it might hurt more to talk out my problems, but then the problems are easier solved.

I'm very paranoid about our friendship. Again, the way I've lived, the way I've been brought up (within family, friends, etc) I always ALWAYS feel like I'm doing something wrong. Like I'm being attacked. I know that's not really much of an excuse for my actions or words, but it is a reason behind them. When...my family has hard times...very hurtful things happen to me, because of me, etc, she's the first one to offer herself. Her company, her words, her advice. And...I feel like I'm not doing enough to show her how grateful I am to her. How meaningful the things she does are. Even the littlest things! I won't get too personal here...but there has been a lot happening to me lately. To my family. And she is having a lot of troubles, a lot of pain, herself, and still offers to help me. And my offers to help her...I know I'm not good at comfort...*sighs* I've always been able to make her smile. Now I can't do that, and I'm so lost, because I know it's time to step up. To show her that I too can do all of these things for her. I am someone to rely on. I am someone she can lean on, I can be strong for her like she's been for me. But I don't know how. So..I guess...other than telling you about her awesome, patient, beautiful, wonderful self...I want advice. How do I help her? How can I make her smile again?