Review: Requiem written by CinniP

--title (5/5)

Your title is definitely unusual. I haven’t seen any title similar to yours, which is a huge plus for originality. I guess it made me a little sad though, because it gave away that someone was going to die, but that actually was a good thing, because it kept me wondering throughout the story what this requiem really was. So the title was perfect anyway.

--graphics / poster (4/5)

In my opinion, your background and poster go along with your story perfectly. Both have a very dark, shadowy feel to them, which is pretty much the mood of your story. Chapter posters were nicely made as well. I’m not going to ridicule the poster, because I know you weren’t the designer, but I definitely did not like the font of it. Other than that though, the graphics were well done.

--foreword / description (7/10)

Your description is very simple and short, but it isn’t eye catching. I’m a fan of simple descriptions like yours because they don’t reveal too much about the story itself, which prompts curiosity in the reader, but I think if I were to come across your story, I would have skipped over it. I suggest centering it or making it a larger font…but that is your choice as the writer. Disregarding that, what you say describes your story well, but it is slightly cliché. “Happiness”, “Love”, “Loss”…These are all themes that I see in almost every fanfic. What makes yours different? There are many original themes in your story, and I feel like using them instead of just “sadness” and such would have made your description much more appealing, especially considering that the first thing the readers see about your story is the description.

As for your foreword, there isn’t anything that I can say, except that I personally dislike seeing a link written out all the way like that, and I would prefer seeing it in an embedded hyperlink. But I mean, that has nothing to do with your story.

--originality (13/15)

I’m not going to say I’ve never seen a story like this, because that would be a lie. But since it is so rare, and because yours is different from all the other mysterious, other-world type stories, I definitely kept interest throughout. To come up with an entirely new way of living for a new planet, including government, living conditions, and style of dress is difficult to do, but yours is very believable. Also, I love how you used factual information about Earth. I think your story stands out from many other stories on this site and I’m so glad I got to read it. I was hooked the entire time, which is strange because I’m not a huge fan of BAP. There were times when the story reminded me of The Hunger Games because it has that same dystopia feel to it, but that is probably coincidental.

--plot (27/30)

Your plot was mesmerizing. I have never read a fanfic that I have been so eager to continue from chapter to chapter. I absolutely loved how you chose which character’s POV to tell it from, and kept certain information secret until the end. I will say that there were times when it was slightly confusing, and I felt myself returning to the first few chapters to clear some things up, and there were also times when I felt myself skimming over some things because I was eager to see what would happen next. Most of your story was describing how the characters felt and whatnot, which is why sometimes I felt it dragged. But, that description was perfectly executed and so tastefully done that I wouldn’t tell you to get rid of it. I think you had a purpose while including everything you did to your story. Thank you for allowing me to read it!

--grammar / spelling (16/20)

For the most part, your grammar is quite good. I can tell you know what you’re doing, but there are so many mistakes throughout the chapters that sometimes it takes away from the overall feel. But then again, this was probably just because I was looking closely at the conventions of the story. If I were just reading, I wouldn’t have noticed these. And, I don’t think these were mistakes you meant to do but just mistakes that you missed when proofreading, but you should always double check through your work before you post it. A lot of times you skip words or use “one” instead of “won” as in Chapter 9. I know you know the difference, so I think just double checking your chapters would fix these kinds of mistakes.

As for general grammar mistakes, there were few, but still some that I noticed. For example, you often use incomplete sentences. I’ll give you an example. This one is from Chapter 10:

He was a danger to me, so I attempted to play by his rules. Quietly staying put with the others.

“Quietly staying put with the others,” is not a complete sentence. I mean, I’m sure you know this, but it happened pretty often. I think a lot of times these ‘sentences’ could just be added to the sentence preceding them, and you’d be fine.

He was a danger to me, so I attempted to play by his rules, quietly staying put with the others.

Another thing was that you misuse dashes a lot…For example in Chapter 9:

it wasn’t like I was up to no-good or anything like that.

No-good doesn’t need a dash. Again in Chapter 9:

Yoo Youngjae was always locked up in his room working on this or that, and that masked-fella was always lurking around the corners

and

At first I thought it’d be that Daehyun-fella

Masked-fella and Daehyun-fella both do not need a dash either. I’m pretty sure that dashes usually connect words to describe a word coming after it. So “No-good” would be correct if it were “that no-good man” or something. I noticed this as a frequent mistake, but a small one so don’t worry to much about it.

Other than that, I didn’t notice so many mistakes, and your vocabulary is quite strong. Great job!

--flow (8/10)

Your story flows nicely, and I like the way you organized the chapters, because it was so tastefully done. Especially considering that each chapter was from a different person’s point of view, that is a hard thing to do! I was so glad you chose to organize it that way though, because I was able to see things from every character’s point of view, but the story didn’t drag on. You kept it going and definitely chose whose point of view to write it from with a purpose. I think you left out certain information about what was going on purpose, and choosing to write it from the characters’ pov that you did helped you achieve that. And the characters were executed perfectly. I think my favorite was Daehyun because he was just adorable. I don’t know BAP very well (in fact, before this story I only knew who Bang was) so I’m not sure how their personas fit with their real personalities but I still feel like you wrote them well.

Okay I just went on a tangent there about characters. Whoops.

There was one chapter that felt really out of place, though. Chapter 9 did not fit with the mood of your story, and it seemed kind of just stuck in there for comic relief, or to establish the characters of the members of BAP by their individual talents. I understand why you included it, and it was obviously a needed break from the seriousness of their voyage, but, and I don’t mean to offend you here at all, I just didn’t like how it was done. It was a good transition, though…I guess I just have mixed feelings about it.

--neatness (5/5)

Your story is very neat, and I like that you included the small header at the top of each chapter. It’s kind of a pet peeve of mine for a header or title to not be capitalized with each word, so I didn’t like that each chapter said

Jongup pov
Requiem
Chapter nine

or whatever, instead of

Jongup POV
Requiem
Chapter Seven

but that’s my own personal preference.

Overall, neatness was good, so I won’t dock any points at all.

--total (85/100)

Note from Reviewer:I hope you weren’t offended by anything I have said, and I want you to know that you are an amazing writer. I’m quite jealous of your creativity and style of writing, to be honest. I tried to give you pointers but your story was really nice…so I feel like I haven’t helped you much! I apologize. Keep up the good work, and I hope you’ll request another review soon. Thanks!

-Marie (kpoplover819)