Title (4/10):

First of all, titles, to me, are the difference between someone browsing through fanfics and saying, "Eh, I guess that makes sense" and, "Wow! That totally makes sense!" Even after you're done with a story, you'll think of the title and say, "Dude, I totally get why they named it that." Titles should give an idea of what the story is about, memorable, and powerful. Usually, if the story is comical, the titles tend to be long and crude. If it's angsty or serious, they usually have short titles. A single word, a question, or even a quote. Just remember: fitting and memorable!

Well, let's nitpick first. 

The "i" in "in" should not be capitalized. Ditto for the "o" in "of." Although it seems right and maybe even visually appealing to have all the words capitalized, it's technically correct, according to this awesome sh%# we call the English language. Small things, petty things.

On the low side, your title shows no uniqueness. Many fanfics on Asianfanfics tend to be about love triangles. So ask yourself; "What makes this story different?" I guess you can't help it, though, because your story is circling entirely around a love triangle. Authors tend to add in their own twists, though! What's your twist, and how can you incorporate that into your title?

One thing I liked, though, was the fact that the title applied to all the characters in the story. It applied to Mi Kyong; she was waiting for Yoseob to realize her love for him, and vice versa. Same goes for Min. Junhyung was a little more complicated. He always wanted Min to be with him, and always loved her, yet she didn't understand that. They wanted each other back and they knew that, but at the same time they couldn't stand each other. They both didn't know the answer for repairing their unhealthy relationship, but like it says in the end, the answer was right in front of them: they had to let go of each other. Unfortunately, Junhyung couldn't, and that resulted in his death. Quite clever. He also realized in the end that he was pretty much already dead inside if he didn't let go of his raging jealousy. Does that make sense? 

 

 

Writing Style (13/20):

I was having a hard time deciding whether or not a 15 or a 10 would be better. I wanted it to be a multiple of 5; you know me, having OCD and all that. As you can imagine, it was very painful for me to lay down an odd, prime number as the score. Now, onto the critiquing.

Since this was one of your first fanfics, I tried to be more lenient about the score. Over time, people change and develope their writing styles. The beginning of your story would obviously have a difference from the ending, and that's alright. Once you start writing more fanfics (which you have been doing), you have to keep your style constant.

You seem to have an awkward time writing angsty scenes (I cheated, actually. You told me about it /troll face). You seemed to pull it off, though. Lets take a fragment of chapter 12, when Junhyung and his little gang are beating up Yoseob. 

 

 

Mi Kyong's POV

I walked out of the convenience store, happily my ice cream, when I heard grunts & coughs. I heard punching, kicking, and swearing. I looked around the corner to see Yoseob on the ground, with Jonghyun, Minho, and Junhyung beating him up. JUNHYUNG?!  Wh-what do I do? Do I just stand here and watch? Junhyung is my boyfriend, but Yoseob and I have been best friends for years, he's always been here for me. I... I can't leave him here now! Junhyung just kept swearing at him, yelling at him.

"You worthless piece of . Don't ever try to come near Min. EVER. Or Mi Kyong. STAY THE F!@# [LOL SORRY I DIDN'T WANNA PUT IT] AWAY! How many times did I have to tell you? Threaten you?!" Noo, I can't just watch Yoseob be hurt. He wasn't even defending himself! He looked like he was accepting defeat! I threw away my ice cream and approached them.

"JUNHYUNG!" He looked at me with, literally, the most shocked expression ever.

"Mi-Mi Kyong! It's not what you, it's, it's not..." He tried to explain, stuttering, pretending to be innocent. Is he serious? Yoseob was lying on the ground covered in cuts, bruises, tears, and blood! Hush up. 

"Yah- be quiet! And you! Jonghyun! Minho! GO HOME!" Jonghyun and Minho ran away. "Junhyung! What the hell is wrong with you?! What didYOSEOB ever do to you? He's such an innocent person! He's never harmed ANYONE!" I picked Yoseob up by his arm and stormed away.

 

Good job, switiching to Mi Kyong's point of view. I think it could be more detailed, though. I mean, how would you feel if you just went out, expecting nothing but a good night out to think and eat your ice cream, only to find your boyfriend - the boyfriend who appeared to be sweet and perfect - beating up your best friend who you loved and adrored beyond the friend zone?

That would , actually.

You could try rewriting the first paragraph as:

 

It's such a nice night. The stars twinkled at me, so bright that they appeared to be moving, like they were waving. I felt so carefree and happy that I wanted to wave back, but I would drop my ice cream. And then I'd be sad. Watching it splatter on the sidewalk in slow motion, and me, sobbing desperately, pounding the sidewalk dramatically and sobbing for my one dollar delicacy. Sweet Jesus.

 It seemed like such a good night to go out, with no one accompanying me, just a night out with me and this ic pile of vanilla ice cream. Yeah, life is good. 

Then I heard the grunts and coughs.

I was about to ignore it, thinking that if I interfered, I'd get beaten up or , something unpleasant like that. A small wave of fear overtook me as I began to walk away, shivering although I hadn't taken a bite of the dessert. 

And then I heard the grunts and coughs. Like a baby chick that had fallen, a dog being kicked, an innocent little boy being mugged. It was only more heart shattering because I knew who the noises belonged to.

 

Somewhere along those lines :3 If you have trouble, just put yourself in that situation, it helps a lot. If anything, get someone's opinion on what you're writing, because people who look don't know the entire shebang and gory details of the story will word an unbiased reaction. That's basically an intellectually badasseu way of saying, "People can give a better opinion if they haven't seen your story yet."

I don't know who was more shocked; Junhyung or Mi Kyong. Because Junhyung is an overly confident person who likes things his way and expects it to be that way, surely he wasn't expecting her. 

 

He looked at me with, literally, the most shocked expression ever.

 

Maybe a bit more details. Maybe he was holding Yoseob up, then when he saw Mi Kyong, he dropped him? Backed up against the wall (hurr hurr)? Shakes his head in denial? Maybe even approaches her slightly?

The stuttering was good, though. People's thoughts are jumbled when taken by surprise.

You want the readers to be completely into your story, like they're absorbed in it. You know that feeling, when the real world is totally blocked and you're kept in suspense, as if you're in the story itself. That's keeping the readers' focus, and that can be achieved by putting in great detail and letting the reader relate to the character. It can be something simple, like a small action that reminds the reader of something similar they did. For example, if you've lost someone and you're at a funeral. Automatically, you ask, "so?" But if you've ever missed anyone, and I think most people have, describing that in detail can make the reader feel for the character because they've experienced that sort of thing before. 

 

My hands shook. When I glanced that them, I saw that they were clammy and sweaty from being clenched too long. I closed them against and wiped my tears away roughly, but even that couldn't stop my lip from trembling. I was frustrated, and for all the wrong reasons, and this was because of the loss of one person that meant the world to me.

 

Whoa, I've never written anything that dramatic before. But I know you've done this before. 

Things that can totally destroy their focus and pull them out of your story are grammar mistakes and plot mistakes. You know, when you're all like, "Wait a second, that's not how you spell   'paper' " or "That didn't happen in this story yet" and you have to reread the story to actually get it. I'll go more into that when I get to grammar.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, add in a lot of details because that's gonna make it more powerful.

Also, avoid author's notes in the middle of your chapters because they might be distracting and they'll disrupt the focus of the readers.

Another thing that breaks up stories is pictures. You may want to avoid that. Although it's good for visual purposes, this is a fanfic. If you aren't able to describe things and have to resort to putting pictures in the middle of your stories, it's not a very good thing. There are exceptions to this. If you link the subject of the thing you're trying to describe, that's okay, because it doesn't stand out. People have a choice to click it. However, make sure you include a brief description of the object. Don't use those links as a crutch. 

Example From Cherry-Lime Chewing Gum

 

 

I quickly threw on a navy off the shoulder top (I like cute things okay?!) and a pair of dark wash denim shorts, with some normal, black, Converse high-tops.

 

This is fine as long as you describe it :D

Aaaaaaaand that's it for this one. 

 

Grammar and Spelling (9/10):

Really good for a first fic. There were very few grammar and spelling mistakes. Occasionally, there was an awkwardly worded sentence or thoughts mixed in with the actions that got just a bit confusing. Nothing too major. Just remember to reread the chapter before and after you publish it. If you can read it without flinching, you've got yourself a keeper.

Avoid using capitals and italics alternately. Stick to one. Apparently, italics are the "correct" way, but I don't mind as long as you stick with one or the other. For me, it just looks messy if you use both (when emphasizing something).

I understand that it can't always be perfect. In fact, I'm almost positive that somewhere in this three-thousand sixty-one word review, there's a spelling or grammar mistake...somewhere. That makes me paranoid.

 

Characterization (5/10):

Because Yoseob and Junhyung are idols and have images, readers don't have a very hard time imaginging their attitudes, tendencies, and secrets, and sometimes that makes the job much too easy for authors. I think it's a useful advantage, but you don't want to completely rely on that image they have only onstage. They do have personalities outside all those music videos. I bet they don't reveal their true personalities even on shows. It's best to add in a twist, a reason behind the personality or a side that kpop fans haven't seen before. If you totally rely on their images, it makes them one-dimensional and predictable.

I love what you did with Junhyung. Yoseob ditched him for Mi Kyong, that's why he's so hostile. That doesn't give any reason why he cheated on Min and wanted her back, though. You should try working that into your story if you ever rewrite that.

I question the fact that after dating Junhyung, Mi Kyong gave Yoseob up so easily. Maybe it's just me.

One problem that totally effed up your score was Min and Mi Kyong. Honestly, I couldn't tell the difference between them personality-wise. I know that Mi Kyong is more athletic and Min is (lets face it) wimpy, but what else do I know about them? They seem the same to me. I don't know if Min has an image, but try to work off that to help other people tell the difference between them. You could even make Min change and grow throughout the chapters. She could become more outgoing because of Yoseob, having been refined in the beginning because of Junhyung. Also, how did the love triangle (or love square) affect her? Did it change her? Make her more wary of relationships and friendships?

Characters are such an important factor of stories, I can't even stress it enough. It's extremely hard to make a main character that everyone will like. That brings me to my next point.

Who is the main character? I thought it was Mi Kyong at first, but then it shifts over to the other three people. Main characters set a sense of foundation. Like Harry potter. Imagine if Hermione, Ron and Harry were the main character.

Real Harry Potter: An adoscelent wizard struggles with secret from his past and goes through life with the pressure of fame and his faithful friends.

Don't get me wrong; Ron and Hermione are totally important. But imagine if it were just Ron and Hermione.

Another Version: A ginger helps his friend battle an evil dark wizard. A bushy-haired bookworm does the same while helping the two with their homework.

See the difference? Same plot, but the roles are all evened out and equal. It's like American government back then. It just didn't work out, because you need a leader.

And speaking of plots...

 

Plot (16/20): 

For the most part, you were able to keep me entertained. Then again, I could already predict what was going to happen, as most love triangles work. Or, in your case, love square. Two people who don't want to confess to each other eventually find new people, then fall in love. 

I don't find anything wrong with having a predictable plot, except for the fact that it's just too obvious. The readers' focus will break and they'll start foresee endings, which will destroy the whole reading experience. Actually, when you think about it, a lot of fanfics on AFF are about love triangles, with the exception of their own little twists. It's a harsh truth, but that's what it is. So, it comes down to who has the most unique fic with the most entertaining story. 

The best way to do that is to avoid cliches. I don't mind cliches if they're used in an amusing manner, but if you're serious about it, then I get slightly bothered. Cliches are overused. It's nice to read something fresh. Featured fics usually have a different kind of story, and that's what attracts readers.

I mean, if I wanted to read a love triangle fic, all I'd have to do is click 'Random Story' and chances are something would pop up.

So, avoid cliches as much as possible. Cliches aren't always bad, though. As long as you're able to keep your reader entertained and unexpecting of the future, you've got a good fic.

Also, I know you had some issues with deciding whether Yoseob was to end up with Min or Mi Kyong. Just pre-plan. It's not a good idea to let your story be decided by your readers, 'cause then you'll just get confused and change the entire plot. It's okay to ask for small things, like prompts and stuff that don't interfere with the outline of your story.

Keep it real, original, and entertaining. That's all :D

 

Theme (7/10):

I only took some points off because I knew, once again, that you had trouble putting in a good ending with a theme into your fic. It's best to think of a theme before you start your fic. Not all fics have to have themes or anything, but it makes a story better if you walk away feeling like you picked up something. No, I'm not talking about "Hey kids, stay drug-free and your life will be tooooodly pip, pip pip diddly doo!" but more like you kind of gained the character's experience hrough the story without actually being putin the situation.

From what I've figured, your fic is about the simplest answers and solutions being right in front of you. It makes sense, and is fitting. Perhaps if they confessed to each other in the first place, they wouldn't have gotten into such a tense situation. It's like everything, from the beginning, piles up on them and they end up with a deep hole of sh$%. Like a cause and effect relationship, and that was the great thing about this fic. 

Even though it was a love square and someone had the opportunity to end up with another (JunKyong, JunMin, Misoeb, Mikseob, MAYBE EVEN JUNSEOB!? But then Min and Mi Kyong would be-) no one could actually settle down with anyone because of complications. It also teaches that there's a person for everyone.

 

Overview (17/20):

I enjoyed this story. It left me wanting to know more and more about who was going to end up with who, and what would happen to those left alone. 

Aside from all the point deductions, this is a good story. Not bad for a first fic. Hopefully, your writing style will become consistent and you'll find your way of writing stories, as everyone has their own way of writing stories. 

That's all, I think my fingers are (figuratively) bleeding.

 

 

 

 

 

DRUM ROLL.

 

 

 

 

 

Total Score: 71/100, 71%, C-

 

 

 

Dude, remember that I'm an extremely hard grader. This does not determine whether or not your fanfic is good; it's just me, being a nitpicky (I like that word) old lady, giving you my thoughts because I have nothing better to do. Except clean. Wait, I have to clean. Oh,

Also, remember that these are just my opinions. It's your choice to take me seriously or not. You can even come up with your own opinions and fix it to your standard! It won't be too hard. 

It could be...

Right in Front of you.

See what I did there?

...I'm so lame