Ineedtoscream.

How long was I supposed to hold it in? I don't know but I really can't take it anymore. But the thing is. I'll probably end up sounding like a whiny little thirteen year old chick whos ungrateful and completely oblivious to how fortunate and how easy she has it.

WELLEVENTHOUGHIKNOWTHATISTILLWANTTOKICKHERFACEOUTTHEDAMNCARWINDOWSOMETIMES. 

Okay.

Well.

A lot of times. But that's a really bad thing to think so I just let my thought hit a wall when it gets to the face smashing glass part. It's especially bad since this is my mother I'm talking about but NORMAL MOTHERS DO NOT ACT THE WAY SHE DOES. Or maybe they do and no mother is normal and I'm just going crazy. Highly probable but WHATEVER.

Now, whice ever kind generous patient soul still reading this must be highly confused/ or annoyed/ or just really doesn't give a damn and is looking for something entertaining.

Well, let me just explain then.

It all started three years ago (Ha. What is this? Some overrated princess tale?) and long story short (if you can even call the short version short) my parents got divorced when I was in-what?-fourth grade? Yeah. 

And it's all because of my mother. Who knew that she was cheating on my dad with two guys at once? Oh I certainly didn't. Neither did my dad. So his reaction when he found out? Totally flipped. Exploded like a damn volcano has the right to. I've never seen him yell or get mad any time before that (well, not really). But he went crazy and kicked down a tree in the back yeard even with all his cancer and arthritis and other health problems. He did a whole life's time worth of screaming and yelling and accusing and little ol me could do nothing but watch as it happened in the middle of the night.

Anyway, they divorced. My mom fed me a bunch of lies about how horribly my dad had treated her and all this crap about my other relatives until she turned into a saint in my mind and I thought everyone else was evil (At that time, I still didn't know she had cheated or why they divorced)

Then she married one of the two guys (A white geezer-65yearsold- Hey, but he's rich and that's all that matters right? Ha. Apparently to her.) 

So we go through all these ups and downs and I end up not liking her for a number of childish reasons and I whine and complain in my diary about how I hate my life and her (especially her) and how she smack talks my brother, me, my dad, my closest friends but oh never her. She never does anything wrong.

Then one day, she reads my diary when I'm away with my dad because it's his weekend to have us. And when we come back, oh what do we see? She's out standing on the lawn as red as a beet. She comes up to me and demands all of my things I'm holding (cellphone, iPod, backpack, etc) and she keeps it. She shoves me and starts yelling right there in the driveway (it's 8pm mind you) 

She rants about how ungrateful I am and how dare I have the nerve to say anything I wrote and Oh Dear. How in the world did I ever have the gall to call her a in my wildest dreams? Armed with my diary as a weapon, she throws it at my dad daring him to read it and he does. When he sees how I thought he was annoying he looks at me like I'm the most horrible thing in the world and I've already cried my eyes out and screamed and yelled and tried to get them to understand I was VENTING because that's what you do in a D I A R Y.

So to sum it up, I'm kicked out, banished from her house, having to move back with my father who I learn to like a lot more after the wonderful revelation that my mother has been feeding me lies for two years and I was incompetent enough to believe each and every one of them.

Now, it was just a week later that she tried to take us back and says how sorry she is but remember I'm scarred for life and she could practically be a bothersome fly for all the attention I'd give her and the annoyance she gives me.

So after a year's time of going back and forth, trying to ignore her, getting perpetually aggravated with her, trying not to hate her because everyone says "She's your mother. No matter what you can't hate her" My oh so lovely old stepdad decides MY GOSH IT'S TOO MUCH FOR HIM TO HANDLE. THE KIDS WON'T SPEAK TO HIM. HE FINALLY REALIZES HOW CRAZY HIS WIFE IS. OH MY OH MY WHAT MESS DID HE GET HIMSELF INTO? And takes off to Hawaii to go to his exwife for oh, how long was it? Five months? Maybe six?'

Now, you can imagine how crazy my mother went. Bipolar from crying and anguished to furious and BLAMEBLAMEBLAME ITS ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A HORRIBLE DAUGHTER AND CAUSING THIS MESS. 

But he comes back eventually and I've about had enough. But I can't say anything to anyone and I can definitely not talk back to her-why?

Because I'm not eighteen yet so if she decides to fight for custody, who's going to win? Her. Why? Because she's rich and my dad is dead poor and constantly getting robbed even though he overworks himself each and every day while fighting horrible terminal diseases and what does my mother do? Nothing. She's never worked a day in her life. She's perfectly healthy and doing fine (if you don't take in account her teetering sanity). Yes, God is definitely fair isn't it?

She's become a church woman by the time my stepdad comes back. "Reformed and new and her soul is immensely happy in recieving God and all his glory." Now, why don't we go shove the Bible and God down the throats of my little children and force them to go to church and each and every church school, bible study, vision school, ANYTHING there is? Wouldn't that be a treat? They will definitely love it. 

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT? WE NEVER DID.

She always thinks she's right. She's making us do so many things we don't want. Right now, she's off trying a new personality "Pitiful and broken and hardworking mother trying to patch up the remains of a family shesototallydidnotruinherself." How noble.

Well, I guess she wasn't that perfect hm? Because guess what? It's been a year and my STEP DAD HAS LEFT AGAIN! Whoopdedoo. If only I could run away from her so easily. But once again, Life's not fair.

Now she says, oh it's YOUR fault. You weren't CLOSE enough to him. You didn't TALK to him enough. You didn't call him DAD. HOWCANYOUFORCEMETODOSUCHATHINGWHENIALREADYHAVEAPERFECTLYFINEDAD? He's my ideal figure for what a parent should be: Hardworking, kind, generous, funny, easy going yet strict when it's right, somewhat awkward but that's what a parent is right?

And it's always OHMYGOD YOU ARE A GENIUS IM DO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU AS A DAUGHTER LET'S SEND YOU TO JULLIARD TO PLAY PIANO WHICH IS AN INSTRUMENT YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE :DDDDDDD

Or (most of the time) it's IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT THIS HAPPENED. YOU HAVE TO FIX MY MARRIAGE AND FIX MY LIFE AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR EVERYTHING THAT YOU'VE DONE. SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE. YOU DON'T SMILE. YOU DON'T TALK. YOU DON'T LAUGH. YOU HAVE TO CONTROL YOUR ANGER AND HATRED AND NEVER LET ANYONE KNOW. BELIEVE IN GOD AND HE WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY. DON'T TRY TO GET OTHER PEOPLE TO PITY YOU BECAUSE YOU JUST HURT EVERYONE AROUND YOU.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT YOU MARRIED THE DUDE FOR MONEY AND HE LEAVES. I DONT HAVE TO FIX A DAMN THING. I've kept quiet and not talked back, I've gone to each and every church thing you wanted me to, I've tried in all my lessons you've forced me in, I do well in school. I talk and have friends and try to be responsible and a good damn child so my dad doesn't have to stress more than he does and I enjoy life perfectly well. Have you ever thought that it's not the world I dislike, it's just you?

She goes on and on and on with that pouty pitiable voice saying how hard she tries to keep us together and how she just wants us to be friends and how luck and fortunate we are to have not grown up with fighting parents or drama and how we don't live in separate states, just cities. WELLTHISLYINGFREAKINGWOMANUGHIAEORHEUGSGKJDFSNGSG

I know it's hard on you and maybe you really are trying but it's seriously late. I've been accustomed to this for THREE YEARS. I'm not going to change into a loving little daughter that's total BFFs with her mother over night. The world isn't all sunshine and rainbows as you seem to think it is. She live in her own little world where everything will just go her way and she thinks she's oh so perfect even when she says she doesn't think she is. 

Maybe if you talked like a NORMAL mother and didn't pout for every DAMN SINGLE THING and and didn't CLING ONTO ME WHENEVER YOU HAD THE CHANCE and didn't SNEAK INTO MY BED EVERY NIGHT AND WHINED WHEN I WOULD TRY TO GO AWAY anddidn't SHOVE THIS RELIGION DOWN MY THROAT and wasn't such a twofacedlyinglittle---------

MAYBE we could ACTUALLY GET ALONG FOR TWO DAMN SECONDS. 

But no. Just. no. And I guess you will seriously never get that. And if by some miracle you do, you better hope and pray to that God of yours that it's not too late.

BLEHaeirugniuergirrgfsjergutighuigrjdafiuerhgtfiuqerhgtbrhgvaekjfnriuoghqgqerailnaewklfmqowiejrh

God. That was a lot out of my system. Sometimes, I wish I could be eighteen so that I could FINALLY TELL HER OFF A LITTLE. 

If someone read all this.

I am terribly sorry for making you go through that torture. I probably look like a foolish little twerp. But GAH she has been really frustrating me recently. 

kalejgrnaeiurguaeigfaerngaer

I hate this side of me.

I hope I don't regret posting this.....