Dear friends.

28 March 2012 (Gaga’s 26^th birthday :D)

I have been silent lately about my personal life when I talk to other people online. I didn’t want to worry anybody but it has came to the point where I think that my friends deserve to know about my condition just in case it worsens again.

Just in case any of you have been wondering about why I haven't updated my fic for months, it's because, firstly, I haven’t had the motivation for anything.  Also, I’m not exactly in good shape. My health is slowly deteriorating day by day. Haru Haru.

I have been advised not to be worrying about many things. I did try to avoid writing fics completely since putting out there the best that I can became an expectation I had on myself. But there were clearly some other bigger worries that came my way. People online and in real life hadn't been nice to me, and I'm not certain as to why I'm easily bothered by everything these few days. I even find myself very uptight lately, something my friends suspect might be a mild case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder so it's not helping either.

But I have been trying to keep myself happy by staying on Twitter and making new friends. Sometimes when I make people happy it makes me happy too. Simple as that. 

Anyway, about my health. Some time ago I was having a throat infection so a couple of tissues on my throat were shedding off. It was really excruciating. It's like menses, but on your throat. I had to eat soft foods for about a week. And I'd vomit some of the tissues and blood (and the food) out if I had just eaten, since occasionally my oesophagus would choke it out. Causes for this is still unknown as of now but I'll sure keep you guys updated. It still hurts a little when I speak. I’m taking my medication so the condition has been improving, up to the point where I can eat normal food now.

Then came the series of asthma attacks. I went out shopping during the weekend when I was free. I was at the escalatorup from the subway when a middle-aged man nudged me from behind. He said that he wanted to follow me. I pretended I didn’t hear that. So when I walked to the bus stop. He surely did follow me. And even boarded the same bus as I did. In the bus, he even grabbed my arm for a short while before taking his seat. And I admit it was my fault for not informing the bus captain about this, even though I already had some bad experiences regarding reporting incidences like this that has happened to me before. I was panicking.

He alighted at the same stop, at this busy shopping area (Bugis) which I had already intended to go beforehand. When I alighted from the bus, I ran as fast as I could as far away from him as possible. I stopped at the second floor bridge when I lost footing. I was panting like crazy and I couldn’t get up for five minutes. I was not injured, it just turned out that I was having an asthma attack. I felt suffocated somehow. This has been a normal occurrence to me since I was born with asthma, something I inherited from my Mum.

I had to send myself to the hospital to use the gas masks. (it’s depressing when I see BIGBANG members putting them on in the teaser posters for show while I was in the hospital using it because my life depends on it) The gas mask was a short-term measure, so I was told that I needed to go back regularly should the condition worsen. ‘Short-term’ turned out to be shorter than I had expected, when the day after the attacks came back. My usual blue inhaler never has a strong enough dosage to make a difference and the stronger purple one does not take effect for long. So it’s really bad when I’m at home and I need the gas mask that they have at the hospital.

• One solution would be for me to stay at the hospital, but not only are the costs high, but I would still have to pick up my sister from school everyday so going to and fro would only trouble me even more.
• The other solution is to stay home and depend on a slight overdosage of my inhalers to do the trick until I find another solution. This is my option as of now.

I still find it hard to breathe as I’m typing. It takes a lot more energy to take every breath. Also it usually worsens with a sore throat, so to cough is just so troublesome. I actually haven’t spoken a word all day. Just typing. It helps to get my voice out.

One more thing. I’ve been very hungry lately. I eat a lot per meal but it’s a good thing since it WOULD help me to gain weight, from the 42kg I was. But coincidentally, I’ve been feeling very nauseated. I’m never having strong headaches or migraine anymore but I just feel like vomiting. A lot. It makes me think that I’m on a binge and purge habit – something I had already gotten rid of years ago. But I’m really sure I’m not bulimic. I couldn’t care less about how I look nowadays. I’m not concerned about gaining weight, but I am concerned now that the inverse is true.

I’ve lost 4kg in the past 5 days. I’m down to 38kg. It had been normal for my weight to jump up and down a little but this does worry me. Anyway I’m seeing my usual therapist for that. Hopefully it’ll be a one-session only, which means it would be a medical condition and not actual bulimia. That’s what I’m hoping for -fingers crossed-

Seeing all these problems (and more) sometimes gives me that really grieving feeling that my days are numbered. I’m not being melodramatic here. I’ve had times like this before when I look at the sunny Singapore sky and I see that the world is still going to rain down on me. And yet I’m trying to keep my hopes up. It’s a thought far off from suicide; it’s just a really depressing emotion which I’d have previously thought that only middle-aged unwed cat ladies would feel. So hopeless yet so hopeful. So at the end of the day I’m not relying on gas masks or inhalers or therapists and medication, but it’s my optimism that keeps me going!

A side note for any of you ever contemplating suicide, NO. It’s a cowardly way out of things. Not the best way to repay your parents for all they’ve done. I won’t emphasize this point anymore by talking about my failed attempts (thankfully) during my primary school years. It’s too much to recall. Just focus on your optimism.  Like what Jamey Rodemeyer said, it does get better.

As of now, I’m already seeing improvement in things. You guys shouldn’t worry much about me, I’ll be fine. I should be able to go back to my normal fanboy life in about a week or so, but no promises. In the meantime I’ll be resting a lot. And eating the kind of medicine where if I cared less I’d rather give to Oldonna.

So from this point onwards, for the next few days, I may or may not be Tweeting like I used to. If I’m staying home and have been well rested then I’ll still be crapping out on Twitter and poking fun at Madonna’s man arms. But if I’m staying at the hospital then I wouldn’t be tweeting in some time so I’ll miss you guys, particularly @Mesediizu, @DontAshurMe, @GinaLovesZero, @BlaaaJung and @Tosemmnomeagora_, my new hunky boyfriend, heheheh. I’ll try to respond to mentions as quickly as possible when I’m not resting and I have the WiFi services unavailable at the hospital ward.

Same to those of yous on SLM I’ll try to find ways to check the group everyday. You can also contact me at 8200 8408.

What I want from all of you while I’m away is that you people be nice to one another. Don’t start any fanwars or whatever. Respect one another and stuff like that. I want to see all of you get along with one another. Deal?

I have to go to sleep now, it’s 8am already. I’m going to eat ice-cream later to celebrate Mummy Monster’s birthday. (and @JessicaJola’s birthday too, if I remember) I’m getting my relaxation time and it would be with ice cream on crepe. Yumzies. Paws up for the "Get Fat For Gaga" Foundation.

750 million calories yawww. (GloZell-Paula Deen reference)

Anyway I really have to sleep now. I have like 2 hours to nap. But it’ll be enough.

Last things to say before I go, to Carlos, study hard, don’t neglect your bad grades uh. And get ready that selca of you. I’m waiting.

CARLOS IS MINE.

Love, Aahfeekiee :)