Review for SHINee_fanatic

Beautifully Lifeless; Legally Macabre

Title: [4/5] 

Your title holds a mysterious aura around it, one that will possibly make the reader stop and ponder about your title. The first step to garnering readers and subscribers always revolves around your title, so I appluad you for thinking up a title such as this one. What makes your title so interesting is that there are prominent contrasts - lifeless is not usually accustomed with being beautiful, and I highly doubt that anything macabre is legal. However, this unique twist of words is what make your title eye catching. The thing is  - I do think you should change the punctuation to Beautifully Lifeless, Legally Macabre. 

Foreword/Description: [7/10] 

Your description drew me in pretty quickly, I was struck by how cold Taemin seemed to be, and I was also very much heartened by the line 'beauty needs to be preserved'. You constructed your description very well - it tallied with your title as being mysterious. The little passage about beauty was also very impressive - what more can I say? You nailed it.

However, I needed to re-read the first sentence, which is in no way good. The first sentence contained too many of's, and I would re-write the first sentence in this manner: Lee Taemin lets the corners of his crimson lips curve upwards in a menacing smirk as he surveys the scene before him. the immobile body of a freshly killed tiger rests peacefully on the stark wooden bench of his gallery, a rather picturesque sight, or so Taemin thinks.  

Also, I suggest changing this sentence : And that’s why he had to own the beast to And that was why he had to own the beast. The reason why I suggest this change is throughout the whole paragraph, the tone is pretty formal, and the dark atmosphere is built up pretty well. 'That's" is a more informal way of saying that is/that was, and it does ruin the spark a reader feels when he/she comes across a promising story. It is a slight mistake of course, but I just thought I should point it out 8D 

I shall not touch on your foreword much, because it is basically a note from you to your readers.

Plot/Originality: [18/20] 

I have to say, I am very much impressed by the plot you have come up with - it is most definitely original. I have never read a story about hunting before, at least not here on asianfanfics, and the idea propells me to read on, even if I do not usually read . The characters seem to have gone back in time, presumably to a much older age, from the way they talk. Even though there are only two existing chapters, these two are adequately enough to allow a reader to click the subscribe button. 

Descriptions from you are very vivid, I almost shuddered at the first chapter when Taemin worked on the tiger - it was breathtakingly cruel but also weirdly beautiful at the same time. I liked how you kept on emphasizing beauty - the story seems to be centered largely on it, and by the time I have finished the first chapter I can see the link to the title. I cannot say as much as I would like to, because there are only two chapters and there are not muc developments to touch on yet. However, I daresay your developments will go on well, judging by the smooth flow of the way you write.  

The thing is - I never know whether to want to review bad stories, or good ones, because bad stories are increddibly easy to review and I can heap tips and improvements on the author. Good stories, on the other hand, require finer nitpicking, because there are only so many things you can tell the author. Yours is one of the latter, so I suppose you can take that as a compliment! 

Details/Characterization: [24/25] 

You have very well developed characters, even for two chapters. I can already feel the cold vibe oozing from Taemin; he strikes me as someone I do not want to mess with, and the fact that he has been skinning tigers and whatnot since he was a child makes me curious about his past. I would think you should add lots of interesting details and twists to his past, because already he seems a very complex person, and a complex person is formed by a complex past. He is very mature for his age, and I do find it odd that he should be so warped. 

Minho is similar to Taemin, yet so different all at once. For one thing, he does seem that he has a rather big ego, but then lacks the mysterious aura and cold vibe that Taemin has. Unlike Taemin who awes me, I have to say I feel tinges of disgust towards Minho, because the way he appreciates Death is vastly different from Taemin. His mannering, his way of walking, the way he talks - all these irk me, but perhaps later my opinion of him will change. 

I cannot say very much of the other characters, such as Jonghyun, but already I suspect the whole group of them are money-makers, and I cannot say I like the sound of any of them. Hmmmm, details. 

You go through every scene almsot meticulously, that is something good, and bad at the same time. Maybe because it is only the starting, but I cannot grasp hold of the plot yet. I do have to warn you not to go overboard with details though, because too much of it will bore the reader. 

Grammar/Flow/Vocabulary: [26/30] 

You use very big words, and again I have to warn you - do not overload your story with that. Already I feel quite muddle headed at your extensive range of vocabulary - it is not bad to have a good vocabulary, but one needs to know how to control it. Some readers may be put off by the fact that they are not able to fully comprehend the words you used. Skipping over words that you do not know three of four time is fine, but when that extends throughout the whole story, it can put some people off. 

Your flow is marvellous, so to say - the tempo hasn't quite picken up yet but I enjoy the comfortable pace you have given your story. Remember that while you want to paint a picture in your reader's heads, you have a story to tell too - so don't forget to pick up speed as you go along. 

Alright, here we go with the grammar and sentence structure and all now! Grey is the correct one, Black is what you wrote.

Taemin then leisurely extending a single arm and curled his fingers around the handle of one of the many threatening knives he owned.

Taemin then leisurely extended a single arm and curled his fingers around the handle of one of the many threatening knives he owned.

This was all he had done since his childhood.

This was all he had been doing since his childhood.

Therein lay the beauty, majestic beings stood straight and alert on every spare portion of this hall.

Therein lay the beautiful, majestic beings stood straight and alert on every spare portion of this hall.

[ Beauty is a noun, but magnificent is an adjective, so you should use beautiful instead. ]

Even as the blood oozed out of the bravely brought down antelope, a dark figure approached the stained mammal leisurely, enjoying morbidly watching life slowly ebb out of that creature of God. 

Even as the blood oozed out of the bravely brought down antelope, a dark figure approached the stained mammal leisurely, morbidly enjoying watching life slowly ebb out of that creature of God. 

The huntsman was skilled, the huntsman was strong, and the huntsman was a Choi Minho. 

I have to say, I really laughed at this. I do believe it should be and the huntsman was a Choi, or the huntsman was Choi Minho.

He’s one of those crazy artist ones.

He's one of those crazy artists.

Overall Enjoyment: [8/10]

I did enjoy the twist your story seemed to give, but unfortunately I do not read and so I will wish you the best of luck with your story 8D

General comments: - Great story; you have no prominent flaws, but do be careful not to overuse the big words, they are both your best friends and enemies all at once. Also, you do not have incredibly long or super short chapters, so that is a good thing! This, however, is a piece of advice I have gotten from a friend - comment replies and long author notes tend to ruin the mood of the story, a reader wants to move on quickly to the next chapter and sometimes reading these comment replies and author notes tend to spoil the mood and atmosphere. Try to keep your author notes as short as possible.

Total: [87/100]