I am a girl. Just a girl. A quiet girl. A useless girl...

My classmates viewed me as the quiet, innocent, perfect girl. I talked less... I sit with the right posture. I crossed my leg when sitting on a chair like a true lady.

People said I have soft voice like a true woman. When I laughed, I closed my mouth with my hand. I will not laugh out loud. I laugh quietly.

I didn't really get in trouble in school. Just a bit and it was just a small thing.

The teacher praised me because I'm quiet in the library and when the teachers were teaching. Unlike my other classmate.

But what they didn't know were.... at home, I'm a useless girl.

I got many flaws... I'm lazy, I can't cook really well, I spent hours in front of the computer and TV.

I always get scold by my mom

My dad always mocked me because I can't cook.

My 3rd bro said... it's no different if I'm here in the house or gone from the house.

My mom said I'm useless, my dad said I'm useless and childish, my 3rd bro said... I'm useless.

I admit I'm useless.

I tried to fix myself... I really do. I clean the house, do the dishes, clean the cats poop. Yeah... I got CUTE cats ! ^^

but it's just the same. They said I'm useless. I always cried silently in my room at night sometimes. Muffling my cries by covering myself with my blanket. It's not like I want to be useless. I'm trying my best not to be that way.

I'm a quiet girl. When my mom or dad scolded me I just kept quiet.

In my house when I just sitting doing nothing, I don't feel comfortable at all. Especially when my parents are back from their works. I dont want them to call me useless again.

Sometimes I felt weak and miserable but they didnt know it and asked me to do this and that. I still do it... but not really neatly. And they they go "if you dont clean it properly then dont do it! Useless girl." "You almost 18, but you acted like a little kid. Grow up already!!"

I almost cried that time, but I kept it inside and just walked away. At home my eyes are always dull and empty. My face showed no expression at all. Like I'm a robot. Maybe because of that my parents thought I didnt listen to them at all, but actually I always listen to them and remembered everything they said so I didnt make any mistakes.

Every time when I woke up in the morning, I always do chores first before I eat. My parents went to work. I cleaned the house. And you know... doing chores in an empty stomach is not a good thing. I felt weak quickly and sweats more. People said breakfast are important, but I skipped for a while to do the chores. Yeah... stupid me.

I rarely smile and talk in the house. Even my parent's friends asked my parents if I'm really like that. You know... no smile and they said yes. I am like that.

I try to make my parents feel proud of me, saying "That's my girl." but all I get is "Useless girl."

I know I'm not perfect... I know I'm useless but I always try my best. My grades are average, not like my 1st and 2nd brothers who always got so many A's in their report cards. Now they are working already.

You guys must have thought I'm writing this to get sympathy or something but I'm not. Writing is the only way for me to express my sadness, anger, dissatisfaction.

You know when I felt really happy? None.

Behind those smiles that I gave to my friends hide a secret

Behind those jokes that I made with my friends hide sadness

So many things I want to say to my parents.

But all of them, I kept it inside me. No one know how I felt. Just me and god.

I will go to a university and I felt.... Ahhh~~ that's right. I should go there. So that this invisible and useless girl is not in the house anymore. So... they can feel comfortable...

This a blog, a blog of a girl

a useless girl...