So i came back earlier than expected, i mean, i already received most of my 2nd batch purchases, except for 1 album i'm still waiting for which will probly come tomorrow...

But i'm here now because now i have another problem.

And a question to ponder, organic love VS inorganic love, if we can even call it love and not mere phase of obsession. idk guys cuz i've been into kpop for very long(longer than should) but it's likely the first time i'm encountering this weird inorganic 'love'....so i'm looking back at my ult groups now to compare, whether i've always been loving organically or if it has always been inorganic.

But before that....

meet my new problem.

Well, doesn't seem so new right? i've always liked/loved TO1 after Road to Kingdom, especially because i easily met their Bsides that i loved(like Take it Slow-my ult fav>< and Step by Step) from their first 2 mini albums, and because i found this video. this was the starting.

all the kissing actions lmao. and more importantly, how can a video of 10 mins manage to show everything i need to see to learn of the members' personalities? personality or rather, onscreen personality is an important aspect in kpop, and i'm surprised there's a newer gen group(4th i think?) that actually nailed this.

Through this video, i instantly loved all the members even though in road to kingdom, they kept focusing on just a few members. through this, even members i was sure i wouldn't like that much, won me over. though of course not nearly half as much as i adore Jisu, that one member who barely get lines/screentime etc, but i already know he's going to be one of my favs from Road to kingdom, and at that time...i didn't even know his name since even when he talked, they didn't mention his name. what i didn't know during RTK was that he's going to become my fav member, not just 'ONE OF my fav members'.

From that video alone, you can see he's just that chill, cool dude who can be funny without trying hard, he's more funny in that witty, shameless but not noisy way. and wait till you hear his singing, cuz as of now i can say that all my fav male idol voices are from 2nd gen, 1 from 1st gen, and for 3rd/4th/5th gen, the only ones who made into the list would be VAV's Baron and now TO1's Jisu. i'm just picky and have my own preference, it's not saying there are no other good vocalists...there are plenty for sure....but you can be the greatest vocalist, if i'm not into the voice, i'm just not. it's just a damn shame that Jisu is one of the bottom tier members when it comes to getting lines. which is just pure absurdity. of course idk how it changed after the shietty management kicked out minsujeromewoonggi to replace them with some kids from a different survival show....which is the most disrespectful thing you can do towards a group born from survival show winners voted by fans like TOO/TO1....chihoon was a different case since he quiited on his own, and honestly i always felt something abt him is not quite fitting...maybe he's a tad too awkward? i mean, i love awkward members, but his awkwardness always seem like he's lost somewhere...

after the member change, i just stopped following the group's new releases or whatnot. i just stopped caring. it hurt too much to see how it went from the potential they had as a team from the start. they used to be a team with very diverse members, and though it's not the new members fault probly, i don't care about them and i don't want to care, and i don't want to see them getting more lines than Jisu even after the original lineup went from 10 to 6 plus the 3 new members. i would get livid, so might as well just leave them, even if it means including Jisu.

Actually even during their last album with the original lineup, i was annoyed because the title track No More X is your average typical cliche boygroup title track, and i hate that they're heading that direction, it happened to The Boyz whom i almost stanned but decided not to and dropped entirely when their music went for the meh after road to kingdom i couldn't care less anymore.

But after ONF has unleashed the (spending)MONSTER in me, and i was almost out of ONF albums to buy(not really but heading there maybe?), i thought of going back to check on two groups i decided to stan in the past few years: N.Flying and TO1,

a bit about N.flying, i've always casually like their title tracks for most parts and follqwed their releases since debut...but never thought the love was enough to be a fan, but the more i watch them, especially 2idiots contents and (sorry there might be other more funnier clips but i just randomly take some, you can find in their channel) all those superior Kim Jaehyun fancams who is second to none, it came to a point i decided no matter which group i love the most, kim jaehyun is going to be my ult bias cuz he's just ult bias material. and if he had been in 2nd gen, for sure his talents would be utilized more...he'd probly be a top variety star like Kwanghee, cuz that kid is seriously mega talented, even as MC, he did wayyyy better than most of the bland MCs music shows now would choose just for visual and name brands. ugh. don't even get me started with his fancams which are all worth watching from before start to after finish. because he's that expressive and good. and i'm not even a fancam person, normally i find them boring to watch. but kim jaehyun? boring? never. so finally after liking their songs for long and now loving the members especially jaehyun n hun combo, i thought, it's a matter of time...let's just stan this group properly and buy their album, so my first comeback as a fan was Moonshot...sadly i didn't enjoy the Bsides that much besides Undo. the album was just too ballady for my taste. a bit upset they released repackaged album Turbulence with title track Sober, cuz i actually enjoyed it more but i don't like buying similar albums with just additional 3 songs, if i had know i probly won't have bought Man on the Moon and waited for the repackage...that was how i am then, a normal, rational fan. and now that i tried their music, initially i wanted to buy Yaho album cuz the concept photos seem really pretty for both versions, and i quite like Goodbam too, but after trying the Bsides...i'm like....hmm, do i really want it? forthe pics yeah but for the music...idk...Rather, the So...album was solid enough for me to want it...though the concept photos seems just ok. so now there's one album from N.Flying in my list.

And for TO1 so far, i have Re:born since i started being a fan during the promotion of Count 1,2 or a little later and i wanted to wait for their next comeback to buy next album. Honestly i should've just bought Reason for Being: Benevolence album and Running TOOgether album since i already have fav songs from both albums. as i said, my love for TO1 was probly one of the most organic in the recent times. i love their music, and i love the members. it was natural. the album i hated was Re:alize for the title track but now that i've found this song i loved which apparently is pretty popular with Korean public too since it was an ost for a dating showok i double checked and seems the ost is a diff song but so many korean commented abt some dating reality show couples on this vid so i got confused...i also saw some comments saying this is a fansong....so idk but anyway, what a waste for them to not promote this song-_-, i kind of want this album too...it's their last album with the original lineup too and now they've even disbanded and one member in military duty, so...(no)thanks ONF for reactivating and reawakening my senses and desire to buy albums like shopping for some 'cheap' candies. So, i have 3 albums of TO1 i want to keep as my memento.

And as for ONF, it's crazy bcuz i already wanted more versions of Beautiful Shadow that i certainly don't need since i already have the 3 normal versions. but now i even rethink about My Name when i already have the repackaged album of that. and worse, there's a shop that sells at a good price, but it combines all 3 versions of My Name album...like...how many more unnecessary albums am i going to add from this group and why this inexplainable obsession to spend on them? i like them sure, but do i love them that much? i wouldn't even say i know them well enough or have the desire to know them in every details a hardcore fan would want to, but i'm spending and collecting their stuffs like a hardcore fan myself. what is this? and now they have even made me to want to buy more albums like those TO1 and N.Flying albums i mentioned, they made me broke and now broker than broke? T^T

But it also made me think of how inorganic my loveobsession with ONF(or rather with buying their albums) lately. it certainly is anything but organic, which is creepily 'funny' cuz in Road to Kingdom, ONF had stated that they're the 'organic idol group' for using their own body parts/gestures as props rather than using props like other groups, though i beg to differ, they did use props too...just that in road to kingdom the use of props were minimal or rather, not overly cluttered in the name of grand like kingdom, heh. Road to Kingdom 1 will always be that superior show of the kingdom/queendom whole thing. my opinion and idc if you disagree, keep it to yourselves cuz i ain't interested. but turned out, they produce the most inorganic effect. like, even when i don't like what i hear, i keep searching for more bcuz i know they're good. i keep telling myself 'you're going to love this eventually cuz it's good and you know it' like...i would never do such thing to any group...if i don't like what i heard, goodbye; that's normal but how i am behaving now is not normal, yet it's like i'm under a spell i am aware of but couldn't break free of it. well i do love Belle Epoque (첫 키스의 법칙) & Message (the reasons i bought Spin Off album) and Summer Poem/Summer Shape/Summer End (the reasons i made last minute decision to buy Popping despite not liking the title track) and ONF is from WM ent. which, normally idols i love happen to be from DSP/Star Empire or completely unknown companies(ok so N.Flying is from FNC but that could be one reason i decided late to be their fan even though Jaehyun is the lil brother of Jaekyung, my Rainbow's leader) and wm is definitely NOT unknown having some quite big names like B1A4 n Ohmygirl. i did like b1a4 a bit when they debuted since at that time it's an unknown agency and they had a member wearing glases haa, and i liked their debut song...it was fun and upbeat than your usual boygroup debuts. but it was just a shortlived like, not like obsession or anything...i don't think their title tracks remain interesting to me and even the member wearing glasses later no longer wear it so whatever..ohmygirl was alrite, they're never really in my radar i guess most songs i heard from them is just not my style. now i'm not a company stan but these companies can be quite consistent...i mean, i didn't plan to love SS501,KARA,A'ST1.Rainbow,Sunha (and even KARD for awhile before i fell out of love) just because they're from DSP but most of them just have the kind of music i completely vibe with and the type of voices and personalities i like....coincidence? beats me, A-jax, April, Mirae,etc. didn't made it to my list...though i still like a few songs from A-jax and April. and from Star Empire, there's ZE:A and Nine Muses....i do like Jewelry to an extent too, but i didn't end up a fan of Imfact just cuz they're juniors of ZE:A even though having watched them in The Unit, i liked them a little more, they're talented kids. so, considering i am no fan of the WM seniors, and i feel like i'm mindlessly buying onf albums, i wonder if it's just a phase of confusion that i should've just let pass....

Is my love for my ults Battle and ZE:A even organic? did i buy their albums because of the songs or just my love for the members? and why do i love them? well, sadly i didn't spend for Battle since they're at the time i was a student with no money... i already spent my savings for Shinhwa concert and album lol. but i was probly so determined for their album that i entered their international fandom contest in which the grand prize winner would get their first single. and guess who won it? me of course haa. i had to win like 2-3 different mini contests to have my points accumulated as grand prize winner. i fought hard. Battle was a group i have decided to love since before their debut...even though my fav member/voice end up quitting the group before debut,(thankfully the member chosen to replace him from the same survival show finalists, happened to be my 2nd fav vocalist of the show), so in my mind i think i've projected the feeling that i'm going to love the release for sure, and of course i did. their next comeback, a cutesier song, i loved it too, and only the 2nd comeback was the one i hated, but i loved the Bside. and then they went on endless hiatus for good. until a surprise appearance together in icsyv6 in 2019,

As for ZE:A, i've known them barely since their debut, not interested, known n heard of Kwanghee, defended him out of humanity at times when inetz on allkpop kept trashing him for his plastic surgery image and not even one fan came forward to tell off those trash humans, then one day i just saw in KARA forum talking bout their interactions with Park Gyuri my bias....so i went to watch it, and instantly fell in love. after that i've been listening to them and loving this and that song but mostly just loving their talents and personalities, i do genuinely love some of their albums like Spectacular and Illusion...but i wonder how much of that love was organic and how much was projected due to my already love for them. i love them so much and am very proud of them that i just don't like to even bother think about why i even love them. 

honestly i don't even have to overthink about ONF but i have to because i'm spending wayyyy too much on them even more than i spent for ZE:A albums probly(i did buy some merch/product ZE:A endorsed that came with merch and spent to watch their showcase/fansign and even concert that was supposed to be their first outside of Korea/Japan and it was going to be in my country but it was cancelled a month before the concert and i was so heartbroken i never really checked if i got back the money i paid for the tickets. my heart often made me a fool, other than that, i think i'm not that dumb.

Talking bout spending, i think i did spend quite a lot on Park Jungmin and his alterego Romeo...but Jungmin is a very special case. he's like my musical taste soulmate, or my....musicmate? haa. i noticed this since SS501 solo project when he chose to collab with Loveholic vocalist to release a rock ballad, i love Loveholic and even during his solos released in Japan, he still use Kang Hyunmin(from Weather Forecast/Loveholic) as composer for a song, and he often perform with actual live band, and he seems to love acoustic versions too....like...i've never really met an idol with such taste...when he released his music in Japan...i love almost all the songs and i just want to support him for always being my safeplace musically. even his releases in Korea as soloist(he's the first SS501 member to debut solo) Not Alone was a hella strong debut and Beautiful...while i hated it at first for all the futuristic elements, i came to love it, especially the acoustic ver, and Tenderly...another acoustic gem from him. so me spending on his music i feel is the most organic and sensible thing...even when sometimes i don't love the release, i want to support him cuz he's one of the rare ones that i can rely to for my genuine music preference,

ONF though...idk...i feel like there's too much projecting from my end, because i know they're really good that even when it's not my taste i keep wanting to like it....it's not normal...

and my new problem, or rather, my reencounter with this disbanded group TO1...idk if i should buy their albums now or if i should wait and get my rational senses back....if i could....

ahh...idk....i'm confused but let's end for now with this song again...

how the video started with a shot of Jisu(just realized it even ends with Jisu omg) is like foreshadowing that...it's going to be all about Jisu's voice!!!! for me at least, even tho as usual he has not that much parts despite his voice fitting this song best imo.