So a few different things are going on that are upsetting me and seem to have brought back feelings of anxiety and depression that had been gone for a while.

First, something really ed up happened this morning.

While I was in a vehicle earlier the man who was driving it pulled a knife on me and tried to force me to do ual things against my will. I was able to easily fight him off and get my bag and phone back, but aside from the knife he choked me and my throat was sore for a while after. This guy was shorter than me so honestly not too hard for me to push away, but the longer i've been sitting here thinking about it the more uncomfortable and disgusted I feel.

All that can go through my mind is that there are so many men who find violence against women to be acceptable, and that some man literally just made an attempt to possibly murder me and force ual acts on me.

There aren't very many people I feel super comfortable with in real life still so I didn't want to mention to anyone that I feel upset, aside from like one person but I haven't told her yet what happened and idk if she'd even want to hear it.

The second thing is that i'd been thinking of Jonghyun a lot lately. I usually do in the winter and so I ended up figuring out the login for one of my old jonghyun roleplay accounts, logging back in there I thought would be comforting, it was still active up until 2019. But instead I found when logging in that only a few people wanted to talk and there were a bunch of younger kpop fans who were being honestly really mean about me having the Jonghyun rp account still and saying that no one should rp as him.

I was actually pretty upset and surprised by the way people were acting about it, because the last time i'd been logged into that account there were multiple people rping Jonghyun still and that was several years after he passed. It was honestly really comforting to talk to other people rping as Jonghyun after it happened in the past, or using my own Jonghyun rp account, and the feeling was mutual for a lot of other shawols who did shinee rp at that time.

Logging in and seeing all these people who are mostly younger react so negatively to jonghyun rps made me really sad. Like that account is a comfort thing for me, and I would never change it. Any old fan related accounts I have of Jonghyun I could never bring myself to change because even the thought makes me want to cry. Like aside from the rp account I have stuff like an old instagram fan account from when Jonghyun was still here, and now I'm worried that logging in there would also make people mad.

It just really upsets me honestly, idk what to say really. When I logged back in I had told people that if they didn't want to interact with a Jonghyun account since it could make some sad it was ok to avoid or block, but that wasn't good enough literally all of them just wanted me to get rid of it entirely.

I feel like people who are too young to have been shinee fans from the beginning don't feel the same as older shinee fans and don't get why we would have such an emotional attachment to want to do something like log back into our old accounts and forget that anything bad happened to him for a while.

I'm crying even writing this, and I wish I could find some of my friends from back when I used to do rps, I don't really do it anymore but having my old Jonghyun rp account to check in on once in a while would be a comforting experience.

I just don't understand how people can be so unsympathetic to how others cope with things. It just felt like people want everyone to do things in the same way they do and it came off as very judgemental..

I was especially surprised because people on AFF have only had positive things to say about my fanfics with Jonghyun, but I do feel like a lot of the people I've talked to here are closer to my age while most of the people I know who used to rp don't anymore and it's mainly younger gen z kpop fans. Then there's also the fact that people who impersonate deceased celebrities for a career in real life are a thing and that a lot of people like them and feel comforted by them. So people getting angry over me logging back into a Jonghyun rp account from years ago I just didn't expect, and it really got me feeling down this week. I logged in there already feeling sad and just wanting to be nostalgic for comfort and I ended up feeling worse and now uncomfortable with going there again.

The combo of the stuff with Jonghyun and what happened this morning is just too much right now and I feel so hurt and sad and uncomfortable.

I really need to get myself to go out and get errands done and then work later though, my cats are out of food and i'm out of money so I need to work later today. I hate how as an adult regardless of how you're feeling mentally you just have to force yourself to do things sometimes. I've had to do that a lot the last few years and it made things worse for me mentally, and I was finally starting to feel ok these last couple of months because most of the hardships i've dealt with over the last 2 years have finally been taken care of, but this week really has me feeling down again mentally.

Whenever I come here to write things out I do feel better though so i'm glad I have this account at least. It's nice to have somewhere I can post my fanfics and talk to other shinee fans, and also be anonymous because I tend to be really closed off in real life at this point so this account being more anonymous makes me feel more comfortable with expressing things like depression and anxiety.