It's me, hi! (can you tell I'm a hardcore swiftie?)

Someone pleaseeeee tell me how it's already January 24. Time is slipping through my fingers! 2023, please slow down!

I'm proud to report that the month of January has felt like absolute doodoo. It was...atrocious. Had a handful of panic attacks, mental breakdowns, and cry fests alone with a bottle of soju. But! But I pushed through. 

Now at the end of the month, I'm standing much taller and feeling much, much, braver to take on whatever 2023 plans to chuck at me.

This year is going to feel like the ice bucket challenge. I'm leaving behind a life of routine and safety, ditching support systems and friends who have been with me since I was three. I'm going to dive headfirst into a new city, new people, new life. 

And I'm going to hate it. At first. It's going to feel cold. 

But! I'm going to do what humans do best. I'm going to adapt, grow, accept, and hopefully, feel like I belong. Hopefully, I will find warmth. 

This little blurb goes out to everyone transitioning into a new phase (or as we gen z people say, era). 

The world is changing, sometimes in ways we never expect it to. Our paths are not concrete, they're meant to change along the way.

Change is scary. Terrifying. But sometimes it's needed and it's a part of growing up. Pain and fear is invevitable. It's alright. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that it'll all work out. And when it gets a bit too much to handle on your own, don't be afraid to reach out. If there isn't already an outstretched hand waiting for you to grab, ask for one. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Speak out. 

2023, be nice to me, to us, the kids turning 18 and figuring out what we want in life. 

2023, I'm manifesting success and I'm ready to bleed for it. 

On a lighter note, here's my list of resolutions. (I never stick to my resolutions but it's nice to pretend I will)

1. Break a sweat, eat well, sleep through the night

I've been working towards loving my body. Loving means taking proper care of it and giving it what it deserves. That means eating well, engaging in adequate exercise, and sleeping until I'm rested. 
 

2. Learn to love, lose, let go.

It's funny how I write angst and romance fics when my heart has never even been tickled by another human being. I have  my heart in a cage and threw away the key. But now I'm ready to saw through the metal bars and toss my heart into a  hungry crowd. 

I want to experience what it feels like to be loved, moreso what it feels like to love another. I wonder what falling in love feels like. If it's an epiphany you get on a random Sunday or a slow burn that deteriorates your internal organs. 

I want to experience everything in the package of love. The pain, heartbreak, pining. The fluff, laughter, warmth. I want to  know how it feels like. And hey- the more I experience and learn, the more I have inspiration to write my stories.

3. Drive.

Physcially and mentally.

I need to learn how to drive a car. It's more of a want but I'm convincing myself it's a need to force myself to learn. It's about time I grow up and do some adult things. Driving is an adult thing and I need and will learn how. Watch me go vroom vroom real soon. >:)

Mentally. I've been very unmotivated the past two years. I blame the pandemic. I miss the spark I used to have. The drive to push, push, push, and work, work, work. I'm revving myself up and trying to regain that intrinsic motivation. I need to work hard these coming years, and I need to have the drive to break down the brick walls I will inevitably encounter.

4. Open up.

I've had the same set of friends since I was in elementary and the thought of forming bonds with strangers is daunting. It makes me want to curl into a ball and shrivel and die. 

I'm a tough nut to crack open and it took me years to open up to my current friend group. Now, I have to do it all over again with a set of unfamiliar faces.

I need to learn to open up, to make new friends, to have rizz. (lol shoot me in the head)

Seriously though, would anyone be down to teach me some rizz. Is rizz even something that can be learnt? I'm desperate and am willing to pay by the hour. HMU. 
 

5. Take the batteries out of your clock and live in the now.

Be. Present. 

Stop. Thinking. About the time that has passed and the future that has yet to come. I'm not saying don't plan and don't reflect on your past actions. That's alright. What I'm saying is don't dwell! Don't let it ruin your happy present times. It's called the present because it's a gift, and don't take it for granted! Live in the now, laugh harder and more, enjoy what you have in your hands. Don't cry about what you had to drop or what you want to hold. Just grip what has been placed in your palms and cherish it. 
 

6. It's time to take a break from AFF

I love this site and the stories I've published. And I promise I will finish them all this year. But once that's done, I think I should take a break. I'm too attached to my imaginary worlds, to the characters I've created, the plot lines I wish were my reality. 

I need to detach myself from the daydreams and fiction. I need to (refer to number 5, be present). I simply am not capable of managing my time between writing and doing what needs to be done. These stories and my imaginary worlds have become a distraction and I need to, for my mental health, forget my password for a while.

I need to focus on reality! 

Writing and indulging in fiction is my hobby, a joy I will never lose and stop doing. But it's holding me back from pursuing my passion, my purpose, and the plan I've created to build a bright future. 

I will write when I get the time, when I have the ability to severe reality from fiction. I will write because I love it, and I will never leave it forever. But for now. Just for now, I will take a break. 

And that's it! Total word vomit, typed on my phone.

I love you, whoever you are reading this. I believe in you. I cherish you. 

This year, 2023, I'm going to seek out the good in the world. I'm also going to become part of the good. I hope you find it in you to do that too. 

All the love, xoxo