Dear friends,

            It has been quite a while since I wrote to you.

            Let me tell you a story on this letter this time. It all started on the first month of 2021. An unexpected glitch happened in my life. I met someone that shifted my life. I met this special someone here, online.

            At the beginning, I thought it will end in a glimpse since I really don’t make friends online. It was a first. I was just having fun on knowing a complete stranger because it always exciting to hear fresh stories for me. But those stories made me want to know more. To crave more on knowing the rest of the story. I would find myself waiting for my phone to hear a familiar beep coming from my phone. It always excites me. I tried to tell myself to take it easy because it won’t go anywhere until one day she told me that she likes someone. If you’re reading this, well, surprise or not I assumed it was me back then but I also knew that you wouldn’t like me so I shook that off and just be jealous on whoever that was. I was jealous of myself, as it turns out. I was really hoping it was me. I’m not that dumb please. You know how people can only give enough effort to someone you barely know if you don’t like them, right? But she we’re giving me more than enough time and she’s shared more than I think she only should have.

            Then on May 1^st, she confessed, well I confessed first then we got on this argument on why she wouldn’t like me while she’s giving me hints the she also likes me. Are we together now? Is she my girlfriend now? Well, no. If you’re my friend you clearly know that I’m in a relationship. I have a boyfriend. So what did we do with our growing feelings for each other? We flirted. I cheated on my boyfriend by being emotionally attached to someone else. She knows but she stayed. My boyfriend didn’t know at first but then on June 19^th, he found out by reading my conversation with this girl. I was with him when he found out. I was beside him sleeping. I just woke up with him telling me how much he loves me. He feels hot. He was crying. I asked him what was wrong but he won’t tell me at first. When the morning comes he asked me the question that I made me freeze. “Who is she?”, “Do you love her?”, “Where did you meet her?”…and if you’ve been caught flirting with someone else by your partner you’ll know what other questions he might have asked. It amaze me how forgiving he was. But that ruined us. It made me so anxious. I was eaten by my own guilt.

            Before that day ends, I sent a message to this girl, saying I was sorry but we can’t talk anymore. Someone got hurt already and I can’t do it anymore. It was wrong. She agreed to it. Saying it was okay. Did our story end there? Nope, because I sent her a message again saying I missed her. We talked about how we felt by those days that we didn’t talk and about my decision on just leaving her behind. I did her feelings too. I know that so I ask her to forgive me and just be friends. So we became friends.

            The casual talk about our lives turns into flirtatious messages again so I asked her to give me a break again but that didn’t even lasted for a day. I was keeping secrets from my boyfriend again and I feel so awful. You might probably have guessed already what happened next. My boyfriend found out about us talking again. It crushed him. He walked away from me but after few days he still wants to be with me. But this time I don’t. I can’t hurt him anymore because I was falling out of love for him. I was disrespectful towards him and our relationship, so I had to end it.           

            When he visited me in our home without any warning we talked a little and I dropped the bomb. I broke up with him. Do you know his last words? “I hate you. I really hate you.”, then he was gone. I can’t believe I would hear it coming from him but that also a slap in the face on how big my mistake is. I never cried like how I did when he said those words. Like how someone who loves you the most can became the only person who hates you? I was miserable until now because I just can’t move on easily.

            I can’t think of anything but him. I wanted to go back but I can’t because I was afraid that I might break his heart again. I was back at talking to this girl and we showed how we feel more than we did before. I find comfort to her. Assurances that everything will be fine in time. She was so sweet, so true. I started falling for her and then I was breaking again remembering my ex. I can’t sleep well. So I told her I have to get away from her again and this time I’m not coming back. Did I finally run away from her and our complicated situation? Nope, because she told me that she thinks she loves me. She freaking told me “ I think I love you.”. I made her so upset. I was a jerk and didn’t handle the situation well. I was reckless with her feelings. Making her feel that I don’t give a damn about her. The she means so little to me. But then she was nice and told me that she would rather be friends with me than to lose me. Isn’t she sweet?

            So, we hide our feelings with the word besties. I know that she still likes me and I do too. We still care for each other but we don’t flirt anymore like we used to. Oh it has been 11 months now since we first talked.

            What should I do? I want to get back with my ex-boyfriend but I feel so attached with this girl already too. I can’t believe I’m doing complicated. I never wanted a complicated a relationship but here I am. Still being so confused.