Posting a blog cause I know no one's here, I mean those that I know are not here anymore, on this platform I mean. It's just I really need to release again, something that I used to do on this platform back when I was active here.

I am just getting tired of this inner battle that has been going on for such a long time, everything is so chaotic. I feel more empty, there were times that I feel like I am not connected with my physical body. Moving just because. My inspiration, light is slowly dimming, I can't find the path that I found back then. My dream is turning into nothing, like I am slowly forgetting what my main goal is now. I am back again to isolating myself and detaching myself from people, well toxic people that I call as my family with my dad. It's like thinking I will be with them makes me feel all sort of that I can't explain in words, all I know is I can't stand being with them, all the negativity is clouding my mind, especially those words that they have told me, those negative words. Words that makes me feel how alone I am.

I am tired of trying to be something that I am not just to please this people. I am tired of giving up just for the sake of making people happy. I look strong, happy in front of them but they are blind to what is really going on, I kept seeing how no one cares about me. Reason why I don't want to care anymore but it's hard cause despite pushing people away from me, or trying to move further away from me or wanting to go somewhere, I just want them to find me, to make me feel that they are true with their feelings, that they truely care and that I am not alone.

Added to the burden is this toxic society where people has one thing in mind and that is when you reach a certain age you should be like this, I mean we are all different and our time are different, I am just going there but no matter how many achievements I get, all I get was nothing, I was waiting for some assurance or something along the line where they would be happy for me or be proud of me.

Honestly, I realise and I am also scared with my thoughts, cause each day I kept thinking of something that I would do which I don't want to do. My thought would also dwell to the fact that It's easy to die than to live.... I wish and hope, even just for someone or one person would be there to help me escape my innner battle, this endless battle with the monsters inside of my head. That someone would finally hear my voice, but oh well I also should really accept the fact that this are all impossible.....

Goodnight AFF!,seriously this platform is my only bff lol XD