ehem. this is me writing down a looong monologue so like, nothing interesting to see here. i would like to make some comments on the past behaviour that i have displayed on this site and spoiler alert, 15-18 year old trish, it ain't gonna be pretty. 

First of all, I was so, so immature it was mortally embarrassing to read my own author notes, feed replies, blog posts at the age of (approaching) 22. I don't know why I made such a big deal out of everything like getting comments, upvotes, feedback, handling plagiarism - tbh yeah that last one wasn't cool but i could have definitely handled that with less ???!!!! and ""s (jk I still swear like I have a daily quota to fulfill) and unnecessary caps and complaints HAHAH. Jeez, if I could go back in time and whack teenage neonflowers on the back of her forever-stressing-the--out head... yeah 10/10 would do. I definitely should have been a lot more grateful to the people I interacted with on this site, and more helpful and less of making everything about me. I just read through my old blogs/and author's notes and stuff and I seriously just blabbered about every single little thing and problem i have and my readers were always just... there for me? i can't believe how lucky I was and how blind I was to not realize that. 

I think my approach to handling that happens in life now is quite different. Hmm, for a start I think I'm starting to become a more private person, also I'd abuse caps less and rant to the general, unknown public less because why should they get my dumped all over them without asking? I think now I'm more of a "ok time to watch a calming video on youtube" kind of person, or I'll calm myself down by doing something else or talking to an IRL instead. and if i had issues, then well Google isn't sitting there as a decoration - it's not on my readers to read/help me deal with every single thing that happens. I'll forever be so, so grateful to everyone who stuck beside childish, tantrum-throwing teenager Trish. Please, she needed to experience the real world so bad and find out what more important life problems are hahah. I can't remember everyone I used to talk to a lot in 2015-2017 by name but :( if you're still here and you used to be someone who commented or talked to me a lot back in 2015-2017, i'm sorry if all i did was rant and complain and i never made you feel like i appreciate you!! i know full well the importance of showing your appreciation now and i wish i had done it more back then. 

On what exactly made me the way I am today... first, I think I'd define "the way i am" today as someone who's less bothered by the frivolous things like aff stats and people's opinions and stuff. i have instead become a lot more high strung on the life stuff like securing a good job upon graduation, grades, IRL relationships, and just your capability to do adulting things well like juggling cooking nutritious food while working and studying, being a more resourceful person navigating daily life on her own, and just... being someone who's a lot more adult. I think the turning point was last year, when i worked at this amazing company (huge company you'd know about btw) for an 8-month internship that surrounded me with so many amazing people and really helped with my character development in addition to my job-related knowledge. it just really matured the way I thought of things, and it also made me really get serious about life because i realized that i wanted to be a genuinely smart adult like all the people i was working with. that includes being emotionally smart of course. so I think I... I just learned to manage myself better? Like work better, express thoughts and feelings better, treat people better, because maintaining relationships is really important and working in such a huge team you just learn to be like more considerate and aware of other people's work and what not... 

it's a bit hard describe it exactly but i definitely think that my character growth kickstarter/turning point was my internship last year. Idk why i feel like i grew so much from it but i hope i don't stop! to be honest, i was really, really serious about my job like lowkey... and i don't say this lightly, i think i sort of became a high-functioning depressed person last year? like i do my work and i exercise and i perform well, but sometimes, there are just some days where i'd start crying in bed after just... looking at my phone for a while and it'd be really hard for me to pull myself out. all i want to do is just stay holed up in my room and i don't even want my boyfriend to be around even though a hug would probably make me feel a lot better. Sometimes, all i want to do is lie down and close my eyes like i don't want to shower i don't want to eat all i want todo is close my eyes.... maybe it was the whole thing with covid too last year though, idk :/

sometimes i feel like, i have everything going in life - i'm getting good grades, i have good people around me, i got a really good internship and i'm doing well that even now i got the return offer for a position they specifically opened up for me (sorry if this is all a flex haha) but sometimes i feel like i don't want to do anything in life? i really, really hate it when i start feeling like that because i know it's ungrateful as , so i always try to compensate by not taking these opportunities for granted and always working hard during the day. but it's like, at night, when i finally go to bed, sometimes i think of things like i just want to disappear for a day... stuff like that. i've never thought of dying or anything of the kind, but sometimes i just think like... i want to disappear for a day and take a break. Sometimes the little things at work/school/family stress me out - even though nothing is going alarmingly wrong because as mentioned, things are going well - and when that happens, it's easy for me to get those "i want to disappear" thoughts. i'm really trying to be like that less and just pray more when I start feeling like that, because I again... I don't want it to affect me worse than it should've and i start taking it out on people around me again (like what immature trish did to her friends on AFF :(( ) 

Anyway, i regret a lot of things from back then, but i think now, i like myself better and i'm going through some serious um... character changes. i just want to have a stronger mentality that gets tired and stressed over things less, and b) also take it out on people around me less. like if i still do feel those things, i want to process it better. and i want to be able to do that reliably because i think some days i do it better than others. 

Hmm... what else. i think overall... i've become a lot more serious person hahaha i apologies i guess if you think this makes my writing change from better to worse? i'm a lot more serious person and i try to be responsible about everything in life, like even the "little" things like making sure I do my part in taking out the trash even though we don't have a set schedule fixed between us (my roommates and i). i don't know what i'm saying tbh HAHAH and maybe these all sound like really little things but... no, for me, I believe i've grown since the last time i was on this site.

to everyone who met teenage trish, i am SO SORRY LOLOL. if you meet 2021 trish, hello - she's a tad better human now but still has to figure out (like how to not be so damn tired all the time......). apologies for anything and everything that i said that might have hurt you in the past. i want to become a better human and writer now and i hope that means not going MIA for 3 years again lmaooo 

also on that note, i actually just made a stan twt today bcs exo's comeback was just announced HAHAH. if you wanna keep in touch off-AFF or want a way to find me if i go missing again (you have permission to do that, i promise i will take it as a good thing and not act like an author who's bothered by her supporters :( of course provided you do it politely too lmfao).... pm me for my handle hahah

if you read till here i am,,, flattered?? but also sorry?? for wasting your time with my rambling? lolol but anywaaay hah this was quite therapeutic for me, i hope you do something good for yourself too this week and i hope you're killing it in real life! if we're not friends yet let's be friends. stay safe always!! <3