Hello

I'm ruffled. Perturbed, upset, festering. Boiling in an oil of hatred fondue. 

So because I feel so absolutely ty, I am going to type positive things and hope that anybody else reading this and also feeling particularly awful will feel less awful, and maybe I'll feel less cranky. First, I'll explain my specific situation, so please feel free to skip that and go straight for the positive vibes. 

Here's why I'm ty®: Being trapped in the same house as my parents because of current life circumstances (don't have money to move out, don't have "real" job, freakin' virus, don't know where I'd even move to that benefits me or is safe) has led me to slowly go insane and it took me a few months to notice, but now that I have, it's all I can think about. I was supposed to be that "normal" child with no nervous disorders or depression or disabilities that affect learning, and now that I'm older and have gone through things and looked back at other things, I'm fairly sure I am not "normal" and probably never was. I'd love to get tested at some point to just, check-in, with everything going on up in my head. Don't want to self-diagnose or ignore anything. But I mention all this because growing up, I was absolutely, 100%, a very sarcastic . All I did was repeat my parent's opinions and become obsessed with trying to out-wit people and seem like I was so much better than everybody else [Draco Malfoy, anyone?]. It's not because I "had something wrong with me"; I was just an . But I think in some cases, these issues were running underneath and never came to light and coupled with my environment resulted in me being an irritable, annoying, and disgusting person to be around. 

Honestly, I was lowkey a c*nt. And I never use that word, because to me it's the worst, but I was one and there's no denying it. Eventually, I got new friends and new environments and I learned that my new friends were all soft and squishy and that me being as abrasive as I was used to hurt them and so I developed a new personality and way of going about things. I went off to college and was generally a different, much nicer (and much more depressed, but that's something else lmao) person to be around and surprise, surprise, little old introvert, anti-social me was able to make a decent number of friends and actually throw a party (that ended with me having a panic attack when I had never previously had one but like, the party went well). 

Now I'm back home in the environment that raised me plus virus stress PLUS election stress and I spend all my time avoiding my family because it's honestly a challenge to have a conversation without having an argument. I feel myself falling back to where I was with my attitude. I also now have my own views about the world and I know how I want to live my life with certain lifestyles and it's clashing HORRIBLY with my parents. And they have their own damn problems between them that I've tried to fix and frankly have come to the conclusion that it's not my responsibility to fix them and they're adults, they can handle themselves. (Not to mention, I'm sure they're sick of me as well.) But I decided that I no longer want to be affected by tiny, insignificant bull that messes up my attitude and mental state when I can simply choose to just NOT. Oh, Mom's mad about something that has nothing to do with our family? Nope, not here today to deal with that, I only see my bright future ahead of me and the pasta sauce I want to cook for dinner. Everything that happens, you have a choice on how to respond. Flat tire, somebody yelling at you, getting stuck in traffic. You have emotions, yes, but you can also choose where and how to direct your energy. I want to stop choosing to be angry and mean and spiteful.* I don't want to be negative any more. I want to be positive, even though I've never naturally been optimistic of happy-go-lucky and for a long time those types of people creeped me out. 

NOW, POSITIVITY because nobody likes to hear whining all day, or pass judgment from only hearing one point of view:

The comforting thing about life is that even if right now is terrible, it's always changing. Nothing stays the same way forever, and eventually you'll find yourself in a different place. 

The act of smiling can sometimes be difficult. It feels foreign on your face. It takes effort to maintain. It's okay. Just try a little smile, even if it doesn't reach your eyes. The act itself can go further than you know. Just a little bit, like exercising a muscle. And if you don't feel like smiling for yourself, smile for others, because sometimes you don't know when they need to see one. But don't smile for people who tell you you should because it'll make you pretty. They and don't deserve to see it. 

Try not to take a bad grade as "failure". This is really difficult, especially if parents are on your about grades, but looking at a bad mark differently can really help your mental state when it comes to your school life. Maybe consider it a point of disconnect. Or that you got it mostly correct, but not quite there. An opportunity to read more about the subject (if you have the time) or get one-on-one help with a teacher, TA, or good student. A chance to find a new academic youtube channel. That grade is not who YOU are, it's simply a measurement of the level/amount of information you were able to recall without external help at that exact moment. That's not intelligence or proof that you can't provide for yourself or others. That's not a mark of how hard you studied (sometimes it won't ever stick), or how kind of a person you are or how generous. Your GPA won't mean much past a certain point in your life, so spend your youth developing as many memories and experiences as you can. 

Sometimes the most you can do in a day is fold your laundry. Clean a toilet. Clear your desk. Feed yourself. It's enough. 

Everybody will tell you what to do. Whether it's with your life or raising a pet/kid or who you're dating. Take the advice that resonates with you. As an artist, most people tell me all about what I should be doing and how I'll never "make it." YOU, nobody else, YOU will decide when you've "made it". It's okay if your success is to own a small business with 3 employees and never marry. If it's to foster/raise 5 cats at a time with a S/O and never have kids. It's okay to decide your lifestyle despite everybody telling you what you "must" do. Success doesn't have to be the perfect multi-kid family making 6 figures in a suburban development home with a corporate job. 

Liking material things doesn't make a person superficial. Liking alternative things doesn't make a person "woke". Enjoy what you like, don't take criticism to heart. Most of it is going to be something similar to "you don't look like you like _______" or "that's so basic", anyway, which is neither helpful or constructive. 

Rock your outfits. Whether it's sky-high boots or baggy hoodies; you are looking GOOD, you are looking FINE, you are looking your BEST. Your clothes can be glam or matte, but don't let people snuff out your sparkly, beautiful, powerful heart or spirit just they're judging what you happened to put on. You look amazing in everything, becasue it's yours. No exceptions. 

People don't always say what they mean. That doesn't mean they shouldn't be held accountable, but it does mean that you choose if you want to carry their words in your head or heart. Try to choose what bolsters you. If you alreaedy have tiny voices whispering negative things in your head, carrying outside negativity is not going to help. Everything here is easier said than done, but maybe a small reminder can help.

Your worth as an individual is not determined by how much you accomplish in a day. You exist, therefore you have worth. You don't have to slave every day of your life to prove you deserve a meal or deserve love or deserve life. You are a human being, not a part in a machine. 

For anybody who has read this far, I hope you're having a lovely day, and staying safe and healthy. If you're also being stressed by your living situation, I understand you. And I'm also very sorry. 

We'll get through this together, loves. 

*Because I must, I stress that I'm thinking of tiny situations, like blowing up over the trash not being taken out that's really the surface of other problems, or misdirecting anger at a person or object that doesn't deserve it, not situations where somebody deeply wrongs you at you just act like everything's okay. It's up to the person's judgment on how much anger should arise, and I assure you, getting mad over the little things, even if they pile up, is not worth your time or effort in the end. But if somebody harms you, yes reacting "negatively" or with anger or hurtful words absolutely can be the way to go. Case-by-case basis.