tw// mention of depression and anxiety

 

howdy doo everyone~

 

I’ve been writing and rewriting this letter for the past few days. There are many thoughts that I wanted to include, but I’m constantly worried about the longevity and potential curtness of some topics. I’m also worried that my opinions are going to backlash on me, but I came to the conclusion that in order for me to be a better person and a better writer, I need to accept criticism. I just ask that if you do send me criticism or questions, please be patient and understanding with the response time. I try to handle things sensitively which means I put a lot of thought into my answer and writing. I also admit that I get rattled easily and I want to give you answers when my head is clearer. 

 

This has been something that’s been on my mind for many years actually. It’s caused me to stop reading and writing many times. At this point, it’s becoming a vicious cycle and I don’t know whether I want to continue it anymore or just give it up and find something else to do. If you’re reading this, I hope you can at least gain insight and understanding because some other authors may have felt this way and if you have the time, I’d appreciate some feedback. I know this document is long, so I’m really thankful if you can bear through it. 

 

I have been reading and writing fanfiction for about 11 years. I have been writing for k-pop on and off for 7 years now. Although writing has been a great hobby and outlet and the k-pop writing community has proven to be a safe space for me, I still tend to have internal conflicts about the ethics of Real Person Fanfiction (RPF). I have a very long explanation of my philosophy of writing, which I encourage you to read if you read many of my fics, but to break it down, I acknowledge that there’s a lot of responsibility when writing for the k-pop fandom. 

 

I know these are real-life people and it’s possible that readers might get the wrong idea when reading my fics. I want you to know that when I write my fics, I’m not exactly thinking of that specific person. This sounds kinda horrible because it’s blunt, but when it all boils down, I’m basically just using them as a face claim. It’s easier for me, especially since I write a lot of shorter fics and drabbles, because I don’t have to spend a whole page describing a character, like how authors of books normally do. A lot of what I write comes from personal experiences so I usually think of a plot and then decide which person fits my character. I admit that I do choose characters based off of the idols’ personalities/personas, but I’m not going to hold it against them in real life. I sometimes adjust my character to the “real” personality of the idol, but not so much. I’m pretty sure a lot of k-pop fanfic writers feel this way (and I can imagine readers feel that way too), which is why I encourage you to read the extension of this memo which digs into specific topics, like writing idolverse/”canon” and . 

 

If you are a writer, I hope you have a similar philosophy that respects the people we write about and also reflects on a potential cultural impact you can make. If you are a reader, I hope you take an author’s intentions into account when you are reading. It’s not just writing out a fantasy, but there are thoughts and emotions writers want to express or a lesson to teach. Sometimes people do write just for fun and it’s normally okay, but it varies case by case on whether the intention is appropriate.

 

Sometimes it is hard to see those intentions, especially when it’s not explicitly written out like this or authors chose to be vague about endings or “what happened last summer” or something like that. Depending on the situation, the uncertainty is a key factor in their style or storytelling, but if you’re uncomfortable about it, you have the right to voice it out. This is why it’s so important to communicate with authors by the means of commenting. Jumping to conclusions is very disrespectful to a writer and that’s not fair for fanfic writers who are doing this for free. Conversations like, “where do you get this idea from?” or “did you mean this when you said that?” clarify the intentions of the author. (If you have a strong opinion or interpretation, you may want to preface in your comment that because you might just come off as rude and taking control over the story.) Many authors might say, “it’s up for any interpretation”, but will give their own insight. In my opinion, if authors don’t give you the time of day or completely shut down your opinions, I understand if you start forming your own opinions. (I don’t believe social media slander is the way to go but maybe appropriate if they ignore the problem.) Depending on the writer, they are busy, so please be considerate of their own personal schedules. Don’t demand a quick response time or a public apology. Reading and writing are supposed to be cathartic and empathy-inducing and distracting and fun. Your opinions are valid. (I have to add on that if you chose to ignore things like trigger warnings and tags, that is on you.)    

 

You may be wondering, why am I writing this letter? I seem to know my limits. I try not to be a problematic person. It doesn’t seem like my writing is problematic either. I’d like to believe these things, but I recognize that these are all subjective. I am not necessarily going to be completely transparent with you because that’s a whole lot of layers and I don’t want to just force all of that on you, but I will be open with you about things that I’ve already put out. 

 

I’m predicting that the people who are reading this memo have only been reading my recent works/works I’ve posted on AO3. If you don’t know this, I am also on AFF and tumblr. Although a lot of my stuff (especially the one-shots on tumblr) is pretty lighthearted and surficial, I have written about deeper and darker topics: character death and mourning, cheating, panic attacks, and a pole dancer. I have also included themes of drinking, swearing, and implied . These range from passive mentions to having the whole story revolve around that topic. I recognize that these can be uncomfortable themes, which is why I try to relay my intentions and sensitivity through Extended Author’s Notes, content warnings per chapter and tags, taking forever to edit, and writing long responses to comments. I choose to write about these topics because I personally get tired of seeing similar fics and, again, I just need an outlet.

 

Allow me to address a… hyena in the room (yeah, not an elephant). I don’t usually flash this card, nor do I feel 100% comfortable talking about this, but I’m just going to come clean and say that I suffer from depression and anxiety. No, you don’t need to feel sympathetic or look at my writing differently. Please don’t do that. That’s not why I’m telling you this. I mostly want to say that, yes, I have these mental illnesses, but I also acknowledge that it doesn’t excuse any toxic behavior. I have written when my anxiety-induced insomnia gets to me or when I’m having a particularly low week. I try to edit when I’m more stable, but again, that’s pretty subjective. I try so hard to cope properly and I do use other methods besides writing. I talk to my friends to make sure I don’t isolate too much. I’ve ventured into music and dance. Admittedly, things have been harder with this pandemic. I’m not a perfect person and I admit that I slip up every once in a while. You might see it in my writing. Sometimes, I’m rereading a paragraph for the 12th time and I’ll be completely jaded over the intensity of the emotions I wrote 3 months ago because it comes to the point that I’m just looking at words. The words that I wrote at 2AM after a self-loathing day seem completely different two weeks later after a deep talk with my best friend. One day, it’ll hurt me, and the next, it’ll mean nothing. I’m not sure how it’ll affect you. I acknowledge that my readers come from different walks of life and different experiences. I want to respect that. If something bothers you, please do not hesitate to communicate with me. 

 

I know I don’t act like it all the time, especially on Twitter, but I am an adult and I’m trying to handle at least my mental health like an adult. I write about mature topics and as a writer, I recognize that I need to handle the reception maturely as well.

 

The “best woman of this generation” once said this about her group. “Even if there are good times, there could also be times when you feel disappointed or feel regret or get angry or annoyed… Just do things that you like. Resolve your mood, then come back to Red Velvet… It’s not “always like Red Velvet”. I’d like for your guys to find many, many diverse things to enjoy… I do really want you all to be happy.” I am in no way in the same league as Red Velvet or Ms. Bae Joohyun, but I’d like to keep that humble mentality. You don’t have to support every fic I write. You don’t have to support my entire story. You don’t have to approve of every topic I write about or the messages I relay. (I would like to hear your thoughts, but you are not obligated to do so.) The beauty of these sites is that you can come and go whenever you would like. I get it. Life happens. Things change. Opinions change. You’re valid. If ever you want to come back to my story or maybe finish one that you never continued, you are always welcome to do so.   

 

I, myself, have stopped reading fics, even if they were good. I’m not just talking about ongoing fics that lost its flare. I’m also talking about completed fics or fics that have over 500 Kudos or were Featured on AFF. Sometimes the topics are too deep. Sometimes, I just need to emotionally prepare myself for an update. Sometimes I lose interest. I’m sure the author might feel a little hurt, but that’s just how life is. I don’t spend a lot of my time reading and writing fics. In the end, I’m going to finish the fics that kept me interested.

 

Alright, if you’ve made it this far, congratulations. Serious conversation is over (for now). Thank you for your tolerance, patience, and understanding. If you are someone that reads my stories, thank you for your support. If you are someone who enjoys my stories, thank you for your love. With the time that I have, I’m working hard to be a better writer, but most importantly, I’m working harder to be a better person. The k-pop community has been a safe place for me and I want to continue letting it be that way. 

 

Stay safe and healthy everyone <3 Until next update

 

Click here for my in-depth philosophy and opinions of writing. (Skip to page 4.)