haa~~

Sooo I have this new job. I used to like computer programming back when I was in school.. and now I get the job where I can do just THAT. But years had already past and I'm WAAAAY behind the technologies that it's hard for me to learn it again, especially since everything I had learned are mostly considered obsolete in 2020 (I might be exaggerating a bit, I'm not that old, but that's what it feels like). I am still in this training period, and thanks to this quarantine thing, we have to work from home, learning from online classes.

I know I should be, and I am thankful that I still have a job during these times, but I now feel like I am not cut out for it. I am way behind my training schedule, and I am not learning as much as I should be. I'm demotivated. I am getting anxiety attacks more frequently. Even just the sound of the Teams chat make me feel nervous. My assessment for certification is coming up, and yet here I am, in Asianfanfics yet again, pouring my feelings out, because I don't have anyone to talk to.

I left my previous job, even though no matter how awful and toxic it was, it was a comfort zone. Back there, I excelled at what I was doing and I had really good friends (probably two of the best people you could ever meet in a lifetime), which was why I lasted for over 4 years until I had to move to this new city. I had hopes that I would finally be able to do what I want (yes and that used to be programming, which I was actually good at back in the day), but I'm not so sure anymore. I feel alone, helpless and burnt out and I haven't even started anything yet.

I'm new to the job, which meant I don't know anyone. Our team holds meetings online, and communicate through chat, so there's no really bonding there. And even if there was, I have people trauma so I won't really be good at it anyway. Now I have this exam coming up and I want to study, but it feels like my brain is rejecting the new information that I try to put in, and it's hard for me to concentrate on ANYTHING. Even the sound of our TEAM chat makes me nervous.

And for those who know me, yes,  I have a boyfriend. He actually works in the same company, although we're not from the same department (thankfully, because I don't want that). He had been promoted just last week, so I can't really turn to him for support, because I know he's busy. His work used to take 10 hours of his day, now it takes 16. I don't want to burden him with my drama so I don't. I don't even think he can be of good support for me anyway because of this. We're not on the verge of breaking up or anything like that, but I just know I should not bother him with my problems. My friends are also busy with their lives and I don't want them to see me like this, either (although they probably will see this anyway, which I hope they don't), and I don't think they will have time for this drama. My sister (hello) is even darker than me, so I think dumping this on her will just make things worse, plus she's going through her stuff as well. And so I don't know who to turn to.

I hate myself for wanting so much attention, but not wanting to get any as well. I am in a slump but I don't want anyone to see me that way. I'm not doing good, but I don't want anyone to feel sorry about me. It's frustrating. I hate me. And even now as I pour out all my emotions here, hoping to find some outlet or clarity, I still don't know what to do next. So yeah.