In grade school, I wanted to be a scientist. I was so interested in biology and environmental science that I wanted to study that field as a career. In high school, I started dreaming of becoming a writer. I still had a love for science but my love for the English language and the art of writing was more appealing to me back then. I was spending so much time writing back in high school that I cannot recall a moment when I wasn't either reading a book, or writing a story. Then, I wanted to become a k-pop idol. As childish (and amusing) that sounds, it was what took over my final year of high school. I learned Korean, I went to dance and voice lessons, hell, I was even on my own strict diet routine (though I had such a bad fashion sense then). But college came, and it was all a mess.

My first course in college was Journalism at a state university. I got in on a scholarship but I was so unfocused that I ended up dropping out of the course, and in the end, out of the school (but there were so many reasons behind that). I tried writing as a career, I really did. And I loved writing because it has been a part of me since I was in 4th grade. But I just could not imagine myself writing as a career. I loved writing but I only wanted it to be a hobby, not something that will be my bread and butter. Then came my transfer to a semi-private school.

With my failure to launch a proper college career in Journalism, I was urged (mostly pressured) by my family to go into Nursing (surprise, surprise). I hated the course at first. I hated the school, its environment, the teachers, the students, literally everything in the university. Soon, all eyes were on me. I was the rebel who barely comes to class and was never on time. I was the student who dismisses everyone, even professors, and makes sure that my opinions were heard. I got into some heated discussions not just with students, but also with teachers. I was the worst yet the best student in my class. As much as my teachers at the time hated me, they couldn't get rid of me so easily. I barely came to class but still manages to get the highest scores, and perfects most of my return demonstrations.

Given my rough start, I didn't last long. On my second year, the desire to become a k-pop idol was so strong I dropped out of college without my family's knowledge and lived with a then-friend, practising my dancing and rapping (and sometimes singing). But the desire was not as strong as I thought it would be. I never really auditioned for any company. I was so scared of rejection that I ended up not even properly staying with a cover group. I was just there, floating in the vast nothingness, unable to have any plans or goals in life.

I gave Nursing one more go when I finally realized I could not become who I want to be. But that was short-lived too. My PTSD was starting at that time that I barely went to school and stayed locked in my room. I couldn't travel far because of my fear of getting into another vehicular accident so I. have sacrificed my chance at going back to college again. My family told me not to enroll anymore if I couldn't promise them that I would be a better student. So I ended up working.

I worked for about two years, with three of those months as a working student. Yes, I gave Nursing another go. And when I went back, I knew that was my last chance, that I would either have to finish the course, or I would end up fending for myself because my family is 90% sure to disown me.

The first semester was rough. I was coming to school but I was still traveling to and from my family house which is two hours away. I was proving myself to my family once again. And when the term ended, I finally had regained back my family's trust and they let me stay at a small dorm room. Since then, I have been focused on studying that I stopped writing completely. I still had my ups and downs in school but I ended up loving my course.

Suddenly, my hate for Nursing was nothing but misconceptions about the career. The more I stayed in the course, the more I loved how it worked. I loved going to my hospital rotations, I loved doing the procedures, and I loved reading more and more about our lessons. Soon, not only was I the top student, but I was also receiving some awards in school competitions.

The feeling of winning and being looked up to was good. It felt so fulfilling that after all those years I spent being a bad student, I was finally making a positive notion of me. I was over the moon, and then I knew... I want this field and I want to be known in it.

By the time I reached my third year in Nursing, I was exposed to the operating room and medical-surgical topics. It caught my attention so strongly that once I started studying the topics, I had this small thought in my head: I want to be a doctor. At first, it was just a small voice that I was able to drown with coffee and lectures. But the more I ignore it, the louder it became. It was like that itch in your throat that you want to scratch but you can't because it's too deep inside. I had no choice... I voiced it out.

At first, it was just my hashtag on Instagram. #RNNowMDSoon was what I kept reminding myself. Because when I talked to people about it, they mostly told me one thing: focus on becoming a nurse first then after that, think about becoming a doctor. And so I did. I spent all my energy studying and becoming the better version of me every single chance I got. And I did really become better. I had better relationships with colleagues, classmates, even teachers.

And now that I am almost an RN with about 12 months or less to get that practicing license, I want to start my journey into becoming a doctor...

But nothing seems to be going in favor of that. I started discussing my dreams with my family and people I look up to but none of them wants me to continue into medicine. I understand my family's point of view, though. Studying medicine is expensive and I'm not the only in the family who is in college so I gotta make way for them too. I get that. But when I talked to professors I trusted, they seem to be discouraging me from getting into it. They were telling me that I am perfectly fine in Nursing and that I don't need to go into Medicine. Some even told me that I don't need to prove anyone anything so I don't need to study to become a doctor anymore. But that wasn't the point.

I wanted to study and become a doctor not only because it pays good, but also because I want to help people. And I want to cut and operate. I want to become a surgeon. But people don't think I'm fit for the profession. It affected me greatly, honestly. It had me thinking of actually giving up that dream. That maybe it's just another one of those dreams that should stay as a dream. Heck, I even turned to tarot cards to try and get some help in deciding whether to pursue Nursing or not. Apparently, even the cards were not in favor. It told me to keep to Nursing because that is where I will flourish and succeed. But is that going to be the reason for me to give up?

Some people even told me that getting into Medicine at a late age is not advisable because studying the field takes a long time that by the time I'm an expert, I'll be too old to practice. And I understand that, too. But does age really matter? Did all the teenage rebellion and being lost finally coming up to me to bite me in the now?

I love watching medical dramas (yes, the majority of it is Grey's Anatomy), and I used to enjoy the episodes a lot. But since I was told not to pursue medicine, I feel sad watching the series. I mean, I get that it's a fictional story but the part where they do surgeries and all the doctor stuff makes me long for medicine even more. It makes me sad that right now, honestly, I am about to give in and just stick with Nursing. I am about to give up on my dream of becoming a Doctor. And with those thoughts going through my head, I am, once again, lost.

Is this how life really is? Continuously finding what you want to do, then end up giving up on it? I mean, I love Nursing now, I really do. I have huge respect for all nurses and everyone in the health sector. I admire what Nurses do for everyone, what they do to keep all of us alive. And I want to practice Nursing too. But I want to become a doctor as well. I want to be able to operate, not just assist. I want to become the head of the health care team, not just the hands and heart. I feel like becoming a doctor will complete who I am... but I feel like people were telling me the truth... that I'm not cut for it...

CHECK OUT MY BLOG! Of Isolation and Ennui