Hey, Umm Hi

This is me ,the me in her mid twenties who don't have her life all together and have no idea about what to do but its okay.

I used to write journals at some time of my life when i used to think my hand writing was better than half of my school mates,  but realised later it isn't and stopped lol . I never had time later to even think of writing somewhere whats my thoughts are, how i feel about anything.  

Back to now, recently i have gone through so much in my life , i lost my sister who is just everything that isn't me, she is wonderful,  she is kind, she is energetic,  she is so active all the time, she is the one who always wants to sit have a talk about everything and nothing,  she has a personality which makes everyone like her within 5 minutes into the first meeting itself. I feel like I'll lose all my energy if i talk with her for just those 5 minutes . I have no idea that i don't know many things about her until she is gone and not there so i can ask. It was tragedy and the most painful thing ever to happen in my life and my parent's.  She is so lively all the time to the point that we don't even know she might be going through hardships in her life. I still cant believe she left us and search for her in the places that don't even exist,  i go through thousands scenarios how she may come back to life and just fight with me like old times. I had stayed a month back at home away from office and each day felt like a mountain i should climb down if i have to survive.  She has two beautiful daughters who don't even know what happened to her and why she cant feed them,bathe them and send them to school. But they never complained much sometimes i feel like maybe she is still beside them all this time. 

I stayed strong and carried cold outerself to take care of my parents and make sure they are okay. And then after a month i got back to work and i thought life's going on. But i didn't realise that i gained call phobia (thers no correct name) whenever my parents ,my mom calls i get this burning feeling bottom of my heart and i fear to pick the call. Its because i heard the news about my sister through a call by my mom at the time. I never got this feeling when i stayed at home with them. Even today i get this bad feeling whenever i receive a call from my brother or my mom.i cant get my hands to pick the call right away.  And i couldn't able to sleep as easily as i go sleep at home. Every 12th of the month makes me depressed even without me looking at the date for the day. 

Still today my mom can't able to talk to me without crying her eyes out and i afraid she may never be okay or get better.  The darkest days of my life been continued without end .

I heard somewhere when you close your eyes you see your fears ... i see myself falling to ground crying loudly like never before can't able to do anything at all .

Being near to Hospitals makes me nauseous,  hearing mortuary name makes me go numb. When the despair hits me back i stop in the middle of the road and break down.  

I was never the one with so much emotions i keep them in check or i was just made like that i don't know.  But now i am like a ticking bomb of unknown feelings.

I look and talk the most normal person and who doesn't have so many issues going on.  That makes me scary sometimes. Because whats going on in my mind is totally opposite . 

Inflicting pain to myself only come till a conversation in self,  maybe i have too much pride to lose to my brain,is that a good thing? 

This should be so boring to read to anyone but me. Because am not a person who can write , this is just a bragging about a sad me ? Everyone have their own story and own pains , maybe this is mine . One unexpected thing turned my life upside down and now everything looks lifeless to me sometimes.  And i always feel anxious about a million what if's.

I learned that resilience isn't linear and one's life could be so short and unpredictable. I wish i had known this just a little bit earlier.