Manu,

You were the first man, scratch that, the only man I have ever had the guts to pursue as a romantic interest. 

And I pursued zealously.

Then I had to cut it off. It all seemed ridiculously pointless.

Here's the thing, most expectations generally are for a girl to be romanced by, chosen by, loved by, seduced by someone. It seems as natural as the rolling waves, the draft cutting across streets, for the wooing of a girl to commence- much like the next step in a rite of passage. Something must have fallen short then, if she is not yet chosen to be pursued, to be loved, or to be seduced. It would be of little consequence I would think, had self-worth not have amounted to anything in this fiasco.

Unfortunately, being left unchosen, unpursued would have quite negative implications on self-worth if to me- or to anyone who sees self-worth in this light. It would suggest a considerable shortcoming, especially so if confidence in one's own independence and the desire for companionship are also delimited by certain conditions (which I would go into detail, but I also feel it deserves a different space). I do sound self-absorbed and almost without any awareness of the crudeness of  my generalizations about the expectations for a girl, but bear with me when I say this- it isn't reassuring when almost everyone in my immediate social circles behave in compliance with those generalizations.

My fear for running out of time, being leftover is greater than my trust in believing in my own timeline.

My fear of sinking deeper into my head is greater than my trust in the greatest moments I have had with myself.

My fear of loneliness is greater than the trust I have in my capabilities.

My fear for myself is greater than the trust I have in myself.

I sought you my dearest, in one such strong moment of trust with myself- Aya's carpe diem. 

You ticked lots off my checklist for my ideal partner. In hindsight, maybe that should have worked as a red flag. I had already started projecting my ideals on to you who I haven't met. You were becoming very un-you. I can't say for sure of course since we never got to the point of sitting down for conversation.

If I wasn't to be pursued then, I tried my hand at pursuing. The two of us would know now how that panned out. During the figurative chase I vaguely recall bouts of uncertainty and jabs of pleasure when I managed to get a response from you.

But the more they became far and apart, spread out and thinned, so did every ounce of trust I had of myself.

And that one incidental day our eyes crossed for the first time and they opted out of holding the gaze, opted out of recognizing, I too decided to opt out of a pointless pursuit.

I have now been pacified by many voices I chose to listen to. It was surprisingly easy to say that they have met you. They listed you to perfection.

- attractive

- driven to achieve

- calculating

- won't be on the same wave length as you

- might not compromise

- unsure of how to break it to you

- and the type of girl you apparently want is the one I could never be for you.

If we ever meet again, I'd still probably want to take you out on that first coffee date you avoided saying yes to.

If we ever do meet again, I'd also probably want to stay away from you.

Aya