hey guys,

i'm going through another rough patch in life, yet again, surprise i know.

so here's a long rant about it because im sad: 
this time i have gotten out of a 9month+ relationship, he broke up with me over text. but the more i wonder about it the more i realize i've kind of been single since pretty much november. as much as i love him, he sort of started blowing me off when school started, which yeah i understand being busy with school and homework and soccer. but once soccer ended, he started texting me less surprisingly, you'd think he'd have more time to text but that's not the case or even not have to be staying up as late but he's staying up even later for homework. lately it has been probably an average of 2-3 texts a day if he even texted me, weekends without him, arguements over texts during the weekends, and him blowing me off. sure you could say i'm over reacting and he was just busy with school and life,

but here's what happened last weekend:
i tried all week to see if i could hangout with him during the weekend, but friday until saturday morning he had to go to a thing for his nephew, he got home around noon and didn't text me until 2pm saying he was doing hw. i called and asked if he wanted to hang out, but he said that sunday would be a better day since he was trying to finish up his homework before the christmas banquet at his school @5pm. he didnt get home until 12:30am. 7,5hrs of partying, which led me to think he was finished with his hw if he had time to party for so long when the banquet actually was 2,5hrs long and he was at an after party. so sunday morning i ask him if he asked his mom if we could hangout that day, he says no because his sister is over and he still has hw.(mind you i've wanted to meet his sister for a long time.) i may or may not have blown up the most that sunday than i ever have since he pretty much blew me off.

this week:
we had thought of hanging out this weekend to talking things over since me getting pissed off over the 7,5hrs of partying led me to almost break up with him but due to a friend was to give him until christmas (9days). we were going to hang out today (saturday) but when i ask him what a could time to hangout would be he says he can't because he has family over and hw to do over the 2 week break. yes fine i understand he has family over and wants to spend time with them, but i could've at least come over for a little bit, no? we argue about it this morning and he eventually says that he doesn't see how it's going to work since nothing has worked in the past and i ask "who tried" and apparently that's me "pulling the 'who tried' card." and he just says he's officially done, over text, not even a phone call.

the time since soccer ended:
the texts become less, the late night phone calls become nothing, the arguements become worse, we try to fix things, but i'm the only one trying to change and i can't do it by myself so i end up stopping to that change because i can't pull that weight on my own without the other side changing. everytime we argue he sounds like he's just giving up on something he hasn't really seemed to try despite saying he has been trying. i set up and plan the few dates that have become our last relationship dates.
he also doesn't recieve notifications from instagram and i used skype (which he sometimes wouldn't get notifs from), i would see that he was online but he wouldn't respond to me and last night (friday) i was able to get onto snapchat and actually text with another phone which showed he ignored my actual text and was online on snapchat and instagram but didn't even bother reading my texts.

reasons why i struggle:
i got used and cheated on a couple years ago around this time by and upperclassmen who was only looking for , so i have major trust issues. i still haven't gotten a diagnosis, but i probably have some form of depression or anxiety. i don't get along well with my parents since there has been a history of mental/physical abuse that has tbh died down lately since they realize i will call the cops. i was also in the hospital not too long after my birthday due to an attempted suicide that led to my parents grounding me for a month (the 2nd month of me dating boy that led to this whole rant). i also am scared of attempting suicide again and/or going to old of habits of looking for hookups.

long story short:
don't waste your time on a guy who won't waste that same amount of time on you. don't hold on for too long if you've already approached them about changing things and they haven't changed but you have. there are also plenty of fish in the sea and sure he might have been the only fish like that but there are other fish that will stand out in their own way too. and yes i'm fine i won't commit suicide because i have felt being single for a while i've kind of eyed this one guy-- it's just it's a shock to either my head or body and it's going to cause me to cry for a while longer...

also a joke that a mutual friend made: "it's funny how he blew you a lot but you still felt single" (yes we did have a ually active relationship)