I'll admit it. Once I wrote a oneshot on an alternate account (I deleted my alternate account and this is my only one) and it had eight subscribers. When I switched back to this account, I literally swapped out the names with a much more popular pairing. I got over 170 subscribers. And I'm not going to lie, that made me really happy. Subscribers make me feel like my writing is worthwhile.

I'm not sure I'll ever do that again. I think at some point I realized that I write my stories in a specific pairing because I think it fits that pairing best out of all the pairings I know. Honestly, I know for one of my fics I could get so many more subbies if I changed the names of my characters. I don't want to. I wrote that piece for my own enjoyment (and for the enjoyment of one other person who means a lot to me uwu) and I just... I think it's perfect the way it is. I went through that period where I'm literally craving for more subscribers. I'm still in it, to be honest. Mainly because I'm not in the mindset where I can just write anything I want and be like, screw the world, this is what I love. But, I've gotten over a part of it where at some point, writing for myself is enough. I'm not the best writer out there, neither am I the best person. Getting over a bit of this doesn't make me a god or anything because I've defeated this need for attention or whatever tf you wanna call it. I haven't. In real life I'm clingy af and possessive to hell over people who will never belong to me. I think, being able to get over that just the slightest bit for me personally, just makes me really happy because it feels like I'm getting better. Like I don't need to thrive off the attention of others to live. Let me not flatter myself too much. I still need attention to exist xD but I've always looked up to those people who can have the confidence to say the world, this is what I want. I'm scared that maybe those people don't exist.

I dunno, I feel like if I'm able to look at my story, get all the inside references, and smile, that's good enough. Isn't it? Ha. <-- Me laughing bitterly at myself. Guys, I'd ask y'all to ignore me but I do think it's important to gauge how you feel about getting more subbies. If anything, it made me realize a lot more about myself. Like how much my writing has progressed, and how the number of subscribers I get doesn't determine the worth of my writing. I am by no means a great writer. And this isn't supposed to be an ultimate lesson on how to view the world in contrast with yourself or any of the philosophical stuff. You figure that out yourself. I'm just saying what happened to me.

With that being said guys, I hope y'all enjoy aff and however many subbies you get. I wish you the best and hope you can smile at your stories when you reread them.

Can I just address this one other topic? Silent readers. I know a lot of authors don't like them. Like, why read everything the author has to offer with all those hours of work, and don't even say thank you? I was a silent reader, didn't start writing or even talking to anyone on aff for a year or something and I always felt kind of targeted whenever I saw an author write something like, DON'T BE A SILENT READER, PLEASE COMMENT. It kind of hurts, like I'm not doing enough and I'm not good enough to read their work. I know a lot of authors complain about them but like, they see what you write. I was so happy the first time I saw a fic where the author said, TO ALL MY SILENT READERS, I LOVE YOU TOO!!! That author got my first ever upvote (mainly because I never figured out how to verify my email but ya know... xD). Their writing was good too so stop judging me >.> I can feel you... Even thought it can be extremely discouraging when I don't get comments, I still try to appreciate silent readers the best I can because they all have their own reasons. I did too. I was scared of the online community because I had never interacted with other people online. I was overthinking every single thing I wrote, often about to comment but deleting it because I was just scared of getting a reply. I mean, after a while, I wasn't scared anymore and I got an over 100 comment streak (I AM PROUD OF THAT uwu) which subsequently died when I went on vacation lol. Anyways, obviously that's not the only reason why someone would be a silent reader. There are tons that just didn't apply to me, but I still appreciate them. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion. I'm just trying to say mine uwu. And I promise I won't @ you if you say something bad about them. Dun wanna fight on this pls.

Anyways, I wanted to get that off my chest or whatever.

If anyone wants to be my friend, I'd love that!!! I'm always looking for cuddles ;-;

Thanks for reading everyone! uwu~