It's been a while since I've written. A lot has happened with my life over the past few years. I've been very busy with school, and now with work. It’s been a tough ride of ups and downs. Everyone goes through that.

Let me be honest. I hit a low when Kyuhyun enlisted. I lost so much passion in writing and even in drawing. I did not touch my drawing tablet nor did I ever try to pick up my drawing pencil for months. Every now and then I would try to write something, but would eventually lose interest after a few minutes.

You should know that I suspended all overseas trips to see SJ because of my studies. I didn’t go to Super Show 6. I didn’t go to Super Camp. I couldn’t send Kyuhyun off. It was very difficult for me to give up these things, but I know that it will all be worth it in the end. Because they always are. And it was.

But after all the hardships, I'm still a fan. Definitely.

Let me share with you my SS7 Manila experience (I know, it’s very 2 months late). I am not here to brag. These days, I have the memory capacity of a gold fish because of stress and tiredness from work. So I'm writing here so I would not forget. And also to be able to tell perhaps the whole world how and why Super Junior will always be worth it to me.

Super Show 7 Manila held last June 30, 2018, was perhaps one of the most memorable fan girl experiences I’ve had. As with all the PhELF out there, my friends and I went through a hell of a ride to be able to get good tickets – and good tickets with did get. Tickets were quite expensive, as Leeteuk has said during the concert, but as I’ve said, I know it’s all worth it.

Morning of June 30, together with a couple of friends, we went to get breakfast. We were having a good time, and the breakfast buffet was actually delicious in that restaurant. I was stuffing myself with watermelon, when suddenly my friend froze as she stared off the distance muttering “Donghae…” under her breath. The friend beside me froze as well, and so did I. Donghae? Coming here? We didn’t bother turning around. We didn’t want to scare him off.

And he did arrive in his plain white tee and a black hat. He looked handsome (as always) and had really really good skin. He actually wanted to sit two tables next to us but they were asked to sit in the private room instead. All is well, we didn’t bother to approach him or greet him when we cross paths in the buffet (although I was able to have an eye contact with him!). We wanted to give him space and respect that he probably just wants to eat in peace. (He has two managers/guards tailing him though, so he was definitely secure!). He left a couple of minutes after with a trail of fans following him but they really kept a good distance. The fans were behaved, actually. It was nice of ELF to that.

After breakfast, my friends and I retreated back to MOA Arena area to distribute banners and to meet with a couple more friends. It was very fun – seeing all these fans excited for the upcoming concert. It’s cute how some ELF made photo cards and other giveaways to fellow ELF – for free! We just want to make our fellow fans happy on that day.

I also saw friends who I haven’t seen in years, and I met with fellow Twitter mutuals as well. What’s really good about ELF is that whether we’re just online friends, or we may not know each other completely, or we just met that day, we already act like we’re best friends and we’ve known each other for years. The bond SJ has shown has made us like this.

By around three or four, we went back to the hotel to freshen up and for me to meet my squad. We were seven in our group, and what’s amazing about us is that we have different age groups, different occupations, and different lifestyles in general, but we can talk to each other about anything under the sun. We support each other in every endeavor, we celebrate milestones each person fulfills and wish nothing but the best for everyone. They’re the kinds of friends who would break their backs just to get you a good angle shot. I’ve known some of them for 4-5 years already, but we only first got together around 2 years ago to watch a concert Heechul was in. And since then, we were a group. This Super Show, we even planned to be coordinated with what to wear! We had crazy ideas but ultimately ended up wearing something floral.

SS7 was like a mini-reunion. Two from our group live somewhere far so we can’t meet often. We’re all too busy with our own lives as well. I meet with the few others once in a while, and besides talking about SJ, we also talk about school and work and just life in general. Seeing them again after all these years, makes us all realize just how much Super Junior has affected our lives.

After a freshening-up and a quick dinner, we went to the concert we were most looking forward to at the time accompanied by a sudden heavy downpour (I mean, what are SJ concerts without a little rain?).

Our squad were even panicking since the line going in was very long and the concert is about to start. We were even planning amongst ourselves for one to pretend to be pregnant so we can go inside quicker (lol, a little crazy, I know. But we’re fans of the craziest idols, after all). But after a few minutes of nervous waiting and panicking, we were able to get inside with about 10-15 minutes left to spare and saw the beautiful SS7 stage right before our very eyes.

As a small fan project, we made head cut-outs of all the members who were currently not present: Hangeng, Kangin, Sungmin, Kibum, Ryeowook, Kyuhyun, Zhou Mi and Henry. We wanted to let the members now in this way that we miss seeing them as a whole, and that we want the hiatus members back. We put this near the glass barricades for them to see.

When the lights finally dimmed and the first VCR was shown, it felt very surreal. This was it. The concert we’ve thirsted for. It took us 5 years to get a super show again. And during that time it sank in.

I miss this. I miss Super Junior. I miss having to laugh at SJ’s ments. I miss screaming the name of every member at the top of my lungs. I miss cheering for the boys I’ve grown to love. I miss ELF. I miss the sapphire blue ocean. I miss going to concerts with my friends and having a good time. I miss singing to almost every song word per word. I miss being an ELF.

And all the things I did and learned to do before because of SJ, like drawing, writing, playing music, I miss it all. And it was very nostalgic. The last time I saw them here for a super show was back when I was still in college, still figuring out what kind of job I want after graduating. Who knew that five years later, I actually found what field I want to be in and I’m now working on it! And five years ago, they looked like idols and performers to my eyes. But now, it’s very much different. I will tell you all in a while.

As you all know, I’m a Kyuhyun stan so I had no idea who to focus my attention on that night. But I guess, you could say that I was able to give each member attention that night, rather than being focused on one member for most of the time.

When This is Love played, our group practically screamed our lungs out. SJ was going to stand right in front of us and they did. Right in front of me was Donghae, and to his left were Siwon and Yesung. Since I was able to meet Donghae earlier that day, I decided to take a good look on all the other members. Siwon is, of course, very handsome, and very tall. And Yesung, well, he isn’t called king of selcas for nothing. He actually has a very small frame so I do wish he eats more. Anyway, there was a part in This is Love where they had to pause. Siwon and Yesung were looking at the fans. And then, I saw Siwon, glancing over our area, looking the head cut-outs we put on the railings. Not long after, Yesung did the same. He even craned his neck a little just to look at them. And I think… I think… he smiled a little.

It wasn’t just me who saw it. Our squad member sitting on my right saw it as well. We were happy. It was enough that they noticed it. And I bet they shared these with the other members as well.

We, Filipinos, love to sing. One of my favourite songs that night was “One More Chance”. I personally love to sing. And I sing whenever I can. In my bedroom, in the shower, on the way to work, walking along the sidewalk… Yes, we really love to sing. Many fans know that in the Philippines, fan do not fan chant. We sing. We sing along. Hard. And so, without a doubt, one of my favourite experiences that night was when they were performing “One More Chance”.

I do not know exactly why but this song really is, I’ve noticed, something PHELF love to sing along to. There’s something about it that we cannot resist. If we were to have a Try not to sing challenge and this song came up, we would fail almost immediately. (I mean, how can you not sing along to “Bi cheoreom kajima yo oh!”)

And so every time the chorus comes up, we’d be singing along as if our life depended on it (Hugot much, bes?). And they noticed because Donghae asked us to sing the last chorus! It was beautiful – waves of sapphire blue sea singing along, united as one.

I also enjoyed their other performances especially Lo Siento – which is my jam! Perhaps the Spanish in me just gets excited hearing SJ sing the language from one of my roots. Heechul rapping at the end was lit af. Super Duper really filled the house and Super Junior was really COMMING PERFORMING HARD. And of course, Bonamana Rock Ver rocked the house and hyped up the crowds. We were doing head bangs and waving our light stick with the beat. Some were jumping up and down. This is Super Junior – the group who hypes the crowd up. Rather than perfect performances, they would rather develop and create a good idol-fan connection. Something memorable. Something to tell our other friends and family after the concert. Super Junior is thoughtful. They really do care for the fans. Filipino is not a widely used language, and in all honesty, everyone in the concert would’ve understood everything if it was in English. But SJ goes beyond that. They exert effort to learn the country’s language – and not just the usual Hi’s and Hello’s and Thank You’s and I love You’s. They also learn saying sentences which could capture the hearts of all the fans. For example, Yesung said, “Mahal niyo ba ako? (Do you love me?)” and of course, we all answered Yes liked the whipped fans we are. He then answers, “Mas mahal ko kayo. (I love you more).”

So now, we’re gearing towards the highlight of my night last SS7. (Or should I say, our group’s night?)

As Leeteuk read his letter to all of us, I cannot help but tear up. Yes, it’s been a ride growing up with these men. I was still so young when I first listened to their song and got into their variety shows. They helped me get through a lot in life. They bring inspiration, not only to me but I’m pretty sure to almost everyone in that arena that night.

When they sang “I Do”, Shindong, Heechul and Siwon came up to our side. I was initially holding a Heedictator icon (thanks to one of the fanbases here in Ph! because Heech is one of my top biases, third before ss7, second after), and Shindong noticed it and pointed this to Heechul. Hee smiled and nodded in approval. My friend and I, of course, were ecstatic when he noticed it. And by then I was already satisfied. I put the banner down and held my head cut out of Kyuhyun as I took a video with my other hand (Yes, we are octopi. We take videos while holding fan projects. We got this skill from Yesung, btw).

And then, Heechul, oh beautiful precious Heechul, was looking at our group (YES, he was!) because we were holding out the head cut outs of the missing members. I was holding Kyuhyun’s. The one to my left was holding Kibum, and the one beside her is holding Hangeng. Hee was seriously looking at them. I held my breath as he suddenly walked toward us, choosing which one to take… All I could think of then was how flawless he was and how prettier he is in person. He literally looks like a perfect fictional character who came to life. After a long second, he looked at me and smiled, taking Kyuhyun’s head.

I was frozen for a second. And then I laughed – loud. I was just so stunned. I managed to shake my friend beside me though. And my other friend screamed as well. Heechul put up Kyuhyun’s head cut out in front of his face and faced the fans and camera, as if showing how much he misses Kyuhyun.

And while all this was happening, my eyes suddenly shift to Siwon who was looking at our head cut outs too! I quickly took out Kangin’s head cut-out, and then he went towards us to pick as well! My other friend also held out her Wook head cut out, and all the while we thought he was going to take that. But lo and behold, surprise surprise! Siwon took Kangin’s head cut out from me! I was absolutely shocked. Seriously. I literally cursed aloud because I was beyond surprised. Siwon disappeared from my view but upon seeing the pictures of other fans, he faced them while holding Kangin’s head close to his heart (aww!).

Heechul, on the other hand, pretty walked back towards us, looked at me with a smile before returning Kyuhyun’s head while a little nod as a sign of respect. I could just melt right there. Kim Heechul is beautiful and very polite. He such a precious person. And that, my friends, is how he became my bias wrecker.

Siwon then returned into view to return the Kangin’s head to us. Before handing it to my friend, he put it close to his heart again and closed his eyes with a cute smile (super aww!). I was able to catch it in camera, so I was sure it happened.

Shindong is very kind and considerate. I could see him looking at each of the fan projects, reading it as he walked along. One of our squad members had the longest of limbs so she handed her phone to Shindong. Our squad pushed ourselves together so we can fit in the picture. Shindong returned the phone, and took another phone from another squad member. He took a video with it with us.

Super Junior, last SS7 Manila, felt like childhood friends whom I haven’t seen in a while. It felt like I’ve known them for so long, and we only got to meet again after years apart. It was truly an amazing journey growing old with them, through thick and thin. I could confidently say that Super Junior has played a huge role in the lives of some, if not all, fans. And it’s wonderful how we have come to this point. It felt like they were friends who could cheer you up with just a simple smile or a wave. That’s why I they didn’t feel like performers to me.

I’m gonna miss them. I’m gonna miss my squad. But the memories that they created with us will forever remain.

Super Junior plays a big role in our lives that they were able to make me go back to drawing again. They sparked the interest in me in drawing, and has encouraged me to start writing again, hence this very long blog post.

I hope Super Junior realizes that to us fans, or at least to me, they are no longer idols. They are our sources of inspiration. They give us strength and courage and perseverance. They mean a lot to us, much much much more than we can express. And without them, I wouldn’t have been able to meet the wonderful girls of our squad. We’re friends who goes beyond the fandom, and would meet up even for non-SJ related events. Sometimes, we simply meet because we want to! Super Junior not only created a fandom, but they have created something better – a family. I’m proud to have stanned the right idols.

So here’s to more Super Shows with SJ and my squad. Wishing for more fruitful years to come for both Super Junior and ELF.

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If you want to share anything regarding your Super Show experience, or just SJ in general, feel free to comment down below! :) 

i miss you all :(