So right now, the very few people (lmao only one) I used to talk to whenever I needed to empty my bag is unavailable so I came here.

Basically if you you just want to read miserable social life, you are in the right place! (It's going to be long because basically that's my entirer life gbhnyjuhf, sorry, so just grab popcorn I guess?)

I think to give some context how terrible I'm socially, let's talk about elementary school, the usual quiet girl but I still managed to have fun during play time with classmates though the need of having groups of people started and I was just gluing the girls I wanted to be friends with, it cost me a ninth(and my last ) birthday party all alone. I got over it and eventually made friends with someone else though it started just because she (Let's call her 'E') had hurt my arm by trying to rid of me (yeah I guess I didn't have any notions of giving up), I cried, she felt bad and tried to cheer me up eventually we got along for the last two years of elementary school, everything was great until middle school came.

We weren't in the same class, as I relied on her the most it really took a tool on me as I only knew one girl  from elementary school, she was the one who called me a glue pot and also ditched my birthday party, I still tried to get along with the big group of riends they were but nothing really came out of it, they just let eat with them because E didn't eat in school for lunch. So every morning I would walk at her house at six or seven so we could make our way to school together, since we only had the breaks to hang out, I'd spend most of the time searching for her but she would just stay with her new group of friends, basically if I didn't come to her she wouldn't come to me. I bulked many times but still gave in anyway because she was my only friend until the end of the year.

I started my second year, E had to move out but it was fine since at the school party I made acquaintances and a few of E's classmates in the first year were now in my class, so I had people to hang out with, all you need to know is that at the end of the year I really got close of a girl, let's call her J so when summer break came we talked regurarly and I really felt like it was going to last long, plus I don't know how really but I felt more confident at the end of the year. 

So when we were in the same class again, I don't know how but I guess her being one of the first girl of the class made me feel like I needed to be just as good so I pushed myself and really worked and participate (wasn't very much into anything before, that's the moment I realise my love for reading and french and english) everything was fine but then I felt like she changed? She would be sarcastic with me whenever I made a mistake, I'm pretty positive she talked to the group of guy in my class during PE, to summarise: We were out on a field in PE each being evaluated and as we already passed we were just waiting and J was socialising with the group of guys (especially with my crush but I never told her so or maybe I was too obvious..) but it started raining a bit so I protected myself by going next to the trees (the field was surrounded by big trees to hide it from the road) so when I went out, the group of guys were jocking about me with J, I let it pass. There was a point at the midst of the year I'd consider her my best friend well because I wasn't as close to anyone other than her but one day we were in spanish and two girls, let's call them C and F (because yeah they'll be here in this tragic essay), they asked us if we were best friends. J straight up said 'no', they just look at us weirdly because they didn't see neither of us without the other so I let it pass again. 

On my birthday, I came at her house (school day) but the day before there was a huge rain and where we are , we're used to have school being cancelled because they don't want to take risks etc. So she didn't reply to any of my texts and just lurked her window waiting for me to show up at her building to tell me there wasn't school and I could go back home, I first thought she didn't want me to come at he rplace because she wanted to sleep but a mutual friend was upthere and screamed to me "happy birthday". I let it pass AGAIN.

She also used to be the first one to copy me during some tests (languages mostly) and if ever the answer wasn't right she would blame me for having her lose a point

I'm not going to say all the things that bothered me that year because heck, there are plenty though I guess it was my "best" year, I mean I had good grades and had people to hang out with at school..

Now let's talk about the last of middle school, a mess.

I really was alone on this, only few people I knew from my previous classes, not my fav ones. One (L) was just a guy who loved to make any remarks on anyone, another was a girl, F, I think she didn't like me back then, another guy was part of the group I hung out with back in first year and others were from kindergarden/elementary school. Anyway, I didn't take well that all my group of friend were in the same class and me left all alone so I didn't try to blend much, actually when you're around your last year in a school nobody changes much groups, so I just found my friends during break and that's it.

Anyway, J didn't look for me and she was socialising with her classmates (E//J, how lucky I am) the only moment I could really talk to her was when I went to her house before school. I had some beef with a girl in my class, basically at the start of the year I tried to be friends with her, but I don't know, some time after I noticed how judgemental she was (you know those people who judges but also are the first one to serve a discour about rights and how everyone should do everything they want)  by shaming a girl for what she wore, I understand in some countries ppl would have agreed maybe but as we were in France, plus the south where I'm used to see people (yes, I said people) go topless on the beach, I believe it's just some common sense to agree that girls can wear anything they want without being judged for it. Anyway, that's not the main topic! So as I took some distance, we were already sitting next to each other in some class and in Arts, she asked me a black pen, I searched nothing, till I realised I had another pencilcase in my bag but I aleady told her no, so when I ot it out, a guy in front of me asked for it, so I gave him she told me "I thought you didn't have one?" so I explained. For a freaking back pen, she insulted me, mocked my hair and insinuated I was too poor for a pen all on message to L who screenshot it and send it to me, all in hope for some drama so I didn't do anything but there were truly no reason for me to even talk to her so I just ignored her. I beliee most of my classmates saw the messages and hated her (she had already make them dislike her by how she was acting) even more over her childishness.

Anyway I was going really bad as I remembered in PE we were running and I was really left alone and L had kept jocking over me as he ran with F, all he saw that as teasing but anyway don't remember what he even said but as I ran I was thinking about how lonely I was and all that group of friends I was proud of last year was actually nothing and we wouldn't last (I was right though) so I burst out crying and to be honest if I were to explain why I was crying I would have to tell them all that went though in my social life. I truly think I started to have depression that year, so to add more when I wrote something to my main teacher she didn't go talk to me, she sent me to the nursery, though all I wanted was to talk to someone I trusted so when I had to talk with the nurse I just lied and down it to me being sad that I wasn't with my friends (that I didn't considered my friend any more)

I distanced myself from J and got closer to a girl, M, for the first time I saw a friend outside of school and I don't the fourteen years old me was hella proud of this! So M got closer to someone else so I got closer to F and L, eventually the two had beef too so I kind of played intermediate, mostly staying with F but now that I think about it and I know something on L, maybe we could have been able to understand each other better? 

Anyway, it was really good for a part of the school year, it was me, F and L² (another girl) even if I didn't have as much in common with L² we still got along pretty well but I had the impression F would never try to be friends with us as a trio, always two by two, so I was so hurt when I saw them having sleepovers when they literally talk it out when I was next to them like I didn't belong, I still met L² alone but it was.. I think in both sides just boring as we didn't had anything much to talk about. 

F and I were trying to get into an international section in a school and we has to pass a test (I didn't pass the writing but she passed it so she an interview, she told me she didn't succeed but in the summer L² told me she was accepted but just couldn't financially) for it so most of the time we met outside of school as literally just this or for work and when I realised it, it hit me that it wasn't very much different from J at all. I mean she had her best friend, she would never meet me outside of school and even made up an excuse over how she couldn't bring anyone at her house because her mom couldn't stand it but L² and I busted her as C literally suggest her to accompany her to her room and F looked awkward as in she knew her friend gave her out, anyway...

I don't remember how it ended up really, I think I sulked over something and distanced myself just from F so she didn't try to get explainations, I didn't come for such too, story with F classified. L² and F still hang out from pics I saw, and I think I'm over all this story so I truly can't feel bitter but just wished I was mature enough to deal with this better, because I think that year hold my records of absentism as I called my mother often to stay home so often because I felt ty or just not strong enough to pretend I was fine for the rest of the day.

Now I got high school to rant about.... (I'm sorry for anyone really reading, this is really long bjhjksfsd)

So you know the first year of high school you try to reinvente yourself, well I did (I mean the style and I tried to be more friendly) 

Friendly kind of worked as I got to open a discussion with my class mate, A, basically in a few week I was in a group, A,D,L 3,J (a new one), C 

Everything was going well in the first half, then when C tried to make the group go to the cinema, everyone but me got invited. So as I kept hearing her talk about it and trying to convince everyone  remember when I was in class, I thought about my social relation in the past and I got emotional and I burst out crying in class (yeah crying is my fav thing)

When we walked home, I waited for C to leave to explain to J what happened with me or at least try as I couldn't really talk because as I tried I was hyperventilating/crying, I must have frightened a few automobilist that day!

So the afternoon I really explain it to L3, later she told me that C just truly forgot (which I believe is false you'll get it later!)

One of the biggest thing that really made that year worse is when L3 told me the entire group A,D,J and C didn't really appreciated me, they just let me be in the group because I was close to her (L3) I noticed it sooner a t a school trip, A and D didn't ask me to be roomates and hardly spoke to me during that week.

So when I finally got the confirmation, I just decided to stop coming to them, talk to them since L3 was always with them I was alone until L3 came to me and tried to reassure me, right in Sciences class so I was crying again (*sigh*) 

I let it pass, there were only a few weeks left so whatever gets me to the end, I hoped that when we're in classes by speciality, I'd be in a group of people who likes the same things as me etc........................................................

So the last day of school went, we returned inscriptions papers, books etc so I waited with L3 for her bus, of course something had bothered me for a few days: C's birthday, she literally invited everyone of the group + D's new boyfriend she hardly talked to. I don't know but it reall feels like I've put so much efforts in one sided friendship and in the it feels so like a waste of time.

Now the last but not the least!

Second year of high school, I'll be honest with what happened the two past years, I truly didn't have any expectations all I wanted was to spend a calm year and finish those exams, nothing changed over a year!

So everything started quite fine, the class seemed great with cool people and a great main teacher.

Two weeks later we had to start those SIA (Supervised Individual Activities) so we had  to pair up by two or three, since I spent most of my time with F² and C², I expected for us to be automatically together. But as the teachers explained how things will happen, I heard them say that they didn't like to work in three because one would always be doing nothing, in that case it would have been me even tough I was the best out of three in history and I participated the most in French... So when we had to pair up and chose subjects they just ignored me, C² et F² talking to each to chose something, they were clearly hinting me that I'd be alone on this so when a class mate turned to ask us what we picked she told me "You look depressed" so they all turned to me.

C² rubbed salt in the wounds as she asked "What did you picked?".... (We had papers where all subjects possibles are written there, I was the first one who went to get them, I saw them talk with F² glancing a time from time to time) 

To resume: Another round between tears and eyes and my teacher took me outside to talk to me while another one was talking with a group. Anyway my SIA's subjects ended up being death! (Tbh it was interesing but just we really couldn't take it anymore months later)

So the next day we left to a photography event but since I was no longer in good terms with C² and F² (they tried to make up by being extra nice but it really felt forced as a week later they were harsh/sarcastic whenever they were jocking around me, mostly C²) so I hang out with a group of girls: A²,M²,N,M3

It was okay for a few days but then they just made me feel so out of the group, they really just let be next to them, didn't include me in conversations or other I was just a plant following like a glue pot!

Anyway, my relation with C² and F² is complicated because I just have so many reasons to be mad at them, quotidentally actually but I just tell myself that they didn't mean it that way etc so I end apoligizing the fact that they always team up leaving me alone (not a single time they teamed up with other when I was still mad at them for the SIA so they team up with me for something in English, we just had to make somem presentation on an artist.), the fact that they always meet up outside of school at first I thoguht that was because they meet up when I had my options going on, but F² leant recently I had classes at that time... Also if I'm not witht the group AMNM they wouldn't come to see me directly. I wouldn't give much thought about it if C² and F² didn't told me they considered me WITH THEM, as a group. It is more hurtening that even in a group where people consider me as with them, they'd just make me feel like a simple acquaintances.

There was a lot of period this year where I'd just stay on my own, like I'd literally just go out to a class to another without taking the break (F² and C² don't wait for me neither) and would talk to classmates when needed and that's it.

Then came the school trip, a mess? Yes. Totally. So on the way everything was perfect, I had fun in the bus, I was next to M² and teachers would always come to make us laugh etc, the morning after we made roomates. C², F² and M² all got together (not surprised tbh) so I ended with other girls of my class. 

Other than that, the first was good. Then, the second day came. That's when things got worse, when we were done visiting Verdun, some went back to the bus and a guy wanted to switch seat to be next to one of his friend. The friend he had switched seats with didn't want to go in front of the bus so he just sat at our seats. Later, I discovered that M² had a crush on one of the guy and for that reason she let them both stay, when I said okay for letting them the seats I first thought that would mean she'd sit somewhere else with me, instead I spent hours sat next to a guy I didn't know. Plus M² stole my place in bedrooms (for Paris) as we could be four or six by rooms so L4 invited me to go with them while M² had said yes to go with C² and F² but when we were visiting something M² came to me begging for her to switch because she didn't like the two other girls she'd be sharing the bedroom with other than C² and F², so I kept saying no but she kept saying A3,S and L4 were okay with it so when I came to them, A3 and S just said to settle this between ourselves, I felt like only L4 would be glad if I was with them so I just went to our teacher to tell her the change.

So we arrived in Paris,  and the first thing we did was to go eat, as the whole mess from earlier already exhausted me I stayed back, actually I really was the last in rank to get my plate, so after ten minutes of standing and waiting behind M²,A3 and L4 chatting and having fun when we went upstairs the three took the last seats. Guess what? The first year who stole my seat (I think that's petty of me for me to be that salty over a seat but last year in my school trip, I ended up sitting with a classmate I rarely talked to if ever and it ended being hella silence plus sitting next to someone you don't is hella awkward, anyway during that trip I got my seat stolen so many times at the end when we returned my last option was sitting in the midst of guys at the very back of the bus until someone finally let take my original seat) sat with them when there was a table empty, so I sat there alone, an adorable first year proposed me to sit with her and her friends but I really felt like I was going to explode so I refused, even my teachers suggested me to eat with them, anyway I did exploded while eating (didn't finished half of my plate because: well eating while crying is hard and I litterally had ten minutes or less because I was the last one.) A lot happened there but I guess those are the thing that hurted me the most.

After the school trip, I became closer to N, basically we talked to each other in a deep way, like everything that bothered us. 

You see it coming.

I felt like she ignored me right after these talks, she would find her friends and then the rest of the day bye see you tomorrow morning for another confession, so when I told her she simply said no yet it still felt like she ignoring me.

I told her how lonely I felt because C² and F² would always leave me on the side whether work or hanging out outside of school but she did the same to me, she and C² (I spoke my feelings back in Paris) knew how lonely I feel and how sick I'm of being pushed away from social 'event'/parties yet, they live in the same quarter as me and didn't ask me once to go with them to the music feast or the town's party. 

C² after learning how hurt I was because of a classmate's party, she kept saying "you'll be invited of course" whenever she talk about seeing people during break, yet I just heard them fetch M² (my neighbour, she just lives in the same street as me) 

To add to this day,L don't talk to me any more, I guess she expected me to fake friendship with the whole group for  a year so I could speak to her, I didn't so because I simply couldn't. She probably hold me responsible for the times I've left earlier because she seemed to have more fun with them. A few months ago she was talking trash of them because she felt ignored but she's the first to ignore me when she knows she'll be include in their parties if she focus on them, she's probably saying that I'm not coming to her like she did with them months ago when in fact it's often me who sends the message but she just reply and do not start conversation.

Whoever had the courage to read this whole page, bravo! My only supporter for five years is having fun so I didn't feel like leaving a block message and ruin her mood! :)