So this has nothing to do with any type of fic. Just my life.

I guess I'm writing it here so that I feel like I've actually talked to someone about it, because in a way I kind of am.

I went and hung out with my ex last night. He was with a group of friends and invited me to come over and chill with them. I'm mad at myself for not even hesitating to accept, because he and I both know that there are several reasons we just can't make things work right now. But. I love him. He knows that. I know that. Hell even my mom knows that. So I went over. We all drank, played some games, watched some videos on youtube, talked, laughed. It was all a great time. Until my phone died. I have a car charger with me always, so I went to go plug it in. I was out at my car for a few minutes, just sitting and checking my phone, because i really hadn't been on it much that night and i was just taking a second to chill and i get scared to death by a knock on the car window. Guess who. yep. so. He wanted to talk (major points for being a guy who actually talks about things) and so sure, why not, let's talk about what happened between us last time we tried to make us work. So we're talking. And then he hugs me, which isn't a huge deal i guess. But its him. so. eh. Anyways. He didn't let go. Not until we were done talking, and really i didn't want to be done talking, but drunk me decided Feelings? no. so after like 10 minutes of talking and hugging and a few kisses here and there we went back in. Not much else happened that night, other than us squeezing onto a small little patio couch thingy to sleep. I just. I wish I could be around him and things be fine. And we could just be friends. But I can't. I can't stop caring about him. I can't stop wanting him, no matter what I do. He's just so much of everything I want, but yet I can't have him. For whatever reasons. I wish he would just try more. Because that's what this comes down to. I have always been willing to put in work and effort to make things work with him, but he's just to scared or stubborn or idek what to try to make things work. with anyone.

idk.  but man those hugs. I have missed them.

tldr; Still love my ex that I have 0 chance of a successful relationship with.