Hi guys, I know it's been awhile, but I have some things going on inside my head that I need to blog about. As some of you might know, I suffer from epilepsy and depression. The last time that I had a seizure was back in May, because I had been put on this new anti-convulsant and it has helped alot with my seizures. This has been great and all, but things haven't been all that great since then for me mentally. Some of the symptoms of these pills that I am taking have side effects such as, suicidal thoughts, thoughts of self harm, and anger and hostility, just to name a few. I don't like admitting this, but a couple of weeks ago, I gave into the thoughts that I had been having of hurting myself and cut myself. I won't go into much detail about it for now, but honestly, I hate myself for it.

Everyone who self harms usually has trigger, right? Well, the one thing that sent me over the edge was when I found out that my best friend had been texting and flirting with my older brother. Now, my family is what you would call one of a kind because we are a very close knit family. I grew up spending a majority of my life playing with my brother, Arthur. He has said on more than one occassion that he would kill for me, and that makes me feel happy knowing that I have someone who will always be on my side. The real problem I had with this from the start was how worried I was about this whole thing that has been going on between them. I'm not going to lie, I do not approve of this relationship for so many reasons. For one, my supposed 'best friend' didn't even tell me that something was going on between them. Isn't that was 'BFFs' are supposed to do? Tell each other everything? Same goes for Arthur, so to be honest, I felt betrayed. Secondly, Emory (my bff), hadn't even officially broken off her relationship with her baby girl Delilah's father when she started flirting and constantly messaging my brother. Third, she's still living with her now ex, and I frankly don't trust that she won't cheat on my brother because she has done it twice before. I love Emory, I really do, but having 'needs', is not a good excuse for ing someone who isn't your boyfriend, whilst being in a relationship with someone else. I honestly don't trust her farther than I can throw her. I hate that I've been speaking ill about her, but I'm just trying to protect my brother from getting hurt. It also pissed me off that basically a nano second after she officially broke it off with her ex, her and Arthur started dating.

I should be happy for them, but I'm not. This whole thing made me start hurting myself because I haven't been able to handle it and I had temporarily lost myself. I really hate myself  because this whole situation has put a serious strain on my relationships with both Emory and Arthur. I just don't know what to do anymore... I haven't cut myself in a couple of weeks so don't worry too much about that. (I had ended up showing my Mom and little sister Stephanie what I did and they've been helping me through it.) Anyways, it's midnight here and I'm exhausted. Love you guys! Good night!