Since nobody gonna read anyway.

Here is a thing. I am damn missed writing. Back in 2014/2015, i have been never confident with my writing but I enjoyed writing fanfic anyway. My grammar . plot but I just write. As long as I got time and mood and yeah, idea. 

But now, I got pretty damn good ideas, not full plot anyway. Just around the ending or or beginning but many ideas. The test feeling is, I can't write anymore. I am insecured. I am getting picky with the grammar. Too conscious, damn conscious to an extent i cant write anything. Cuz if I write, I know I wont be writing a good fic. I repeat my words. I am confused either to use past or present tense (this is my biggest concern. I have never settle this) so I settled down with reading a tons of fanfics. Here come a thing again. I become demotivated. "When will I ever write a good fanfic like them too?" "Ahhh, this is why people love to read their fics, they are brilliant. Their wordings, their plotting, their expression of language." I know shouldnt be comparing my works with others I know but I can't help but to. 

I am dying to write but i slowly stopped. I am not getting better anyway. They said, If you wanna be a good writer, find a beta to help you. If you wantto write, read. But the problem is, I only read fanfics. U know how many people are ting on their grmmar in fanfics right? I'm not getting anywhere. I really have problem with beta thingy. Ego. I wish I could tone down that ego. The ego that you write a right thing. The ego that u dont want to accept that you have a grammar problem in ur head. The ego tht killed my eagerness. I have used a beta for one of my fics in my other acc. I hate that the way she corrected all my writing. I am egoist. I hate to admit my mistake. I know this is my problem. I am the one who do not want to improve myself. Who am I to complain? 

I just want to write. I want to comeback. I want to finish tons of my unfinished stories. Especially in this acc. But I can't. Impossible to comeback, I guess? I really want to cry while writing this, i couldnt find myself to.

I really want to write. It has been a year, I guess. I wasnt able to write even one shot story. I have myself for denying my own mistakes. I have myself for not being able to improve. I hate myself for being desiring to write when I know, I didn't belong to writing world. I hate myself for even writing this. happened anyway. I am out.