Lonely and depressed (and what about Taeyeon ???)

I don't know what I'm feeling. I've been crying since I learned what happened to Jonghyun. It hurts so much. But I know it is what he wanted as he couldn't bear living his life like this.

Nevertheless, it breaks me inside and I can't stop crying. I feel so empty now. I wasn't a hardcore fan of Jonghyun but I really liked his songs. And even now, I can't stop listening to his songs. A lot of his songs talked about what he was feeling and I never would have imagined it was real. I thought it was just for the art, for the music but no, it was his feelings...

Now, I worry about SM artists but most especially Taeyeon. I love her so much. And I can't stop worrying about her. She lost her friend. And it hurts me even more because I imagine her crying endlessly. I can't stand it. It's horrible. I'm afraid she won't be able to smile sincerely and genuinely.

But after all, Jonghyun was smiling and all but he was everything but fine. It breaks my heart even more. We think Idols are doing good but they are not and I don't know what to do to help them.

Besides, I don't want to lose Taeyeon. I want her to get through it and get better. Even she goes on hiatus for the upcoming year. It doesn't matter I want her to overcome her depression. I want her to be happy, genuinely happy. She made me happy and made me want to smile whenever I had hard times and I think about her everyday. I'm glad to have her in my life, at least glad to be able to hear her through her songs and to see her through photographs...

I just want someone to hug me but I can't talk about it to my friends or my family. They would find it ridiculous that I would cry for people I don't even know. And now I feel so alone as I'm crying in my bedroom. I keep everything inside me, I know it's not good but I can't help it, it's just how I am. I have a friend who also listens to Kpop and when she talked about it to me, I acted nonchalant about it when in fact I can't stop crying and feel sad all the time. I have trouble falling asleep.

I don't know what to do... I hope everything would be fine for Taeyeon, I really hope so...

As for myself, I think time will heal me and I would get used to it. But I can't help feeling empty, lonely and depressed. I write a lot of sad things about what I'm feeling, thinking it would help me but it doesn't. I don't know what to do. Christmas is coming and it would surely be one of the saddest Christmas I'll be spending.

I hope you guys are doing much better that I am.

I hate how life can be so wonderful one day and then turn horrible the next day.

Please take care of yourself, whoever you are. Don't take depression lightly.

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NoonaYoung #1 Dec 21, 2017 00:23:45

I'm worried for Taeyeon as well ever since I read her Instagram post. TH last sentence struck me hard as she said - I'll make sure you are not lonely. I was worried as if she is hinting she may do something in following his footstep in order to make sure he isn't alone or feels lonely. I dropped a comment immediately to her, I want to try to tell her she is loved and she did well too.

Just cry it out my dear. I'd had being laugher, ridiculed, scolded for crying my eyes and heart out for him. But I don't care. I cry because I'm sad and you're not me, so you will never get to understand my feelings or that what is in my mind. Cry it out all you may. You'll feel better soon but time is all you need. Different people need different amount of time to cope and move on. I may have stopped crying like the waterfall but on and off my tears will find its way to cover my face and my heart still ached. But I know, I'll get over this. He won be happy to see us being in a mess.

InMemoryofJonghyun #2 Dec 20, 2017 23:07:15

I'm worried about Taeyeon too. He was always lonely and I'm sure she has a case of depression, that was always clear. I feel you need at least one comment on your blog so you know you're not alone. I've accepted that Jonghyun is gone, and as a Blinger that was hard. I cried for 2 days straight and I still cry every now and then. But I remind myself that he is in a better place and he's happy now. That thought helps, but then I go and think about what if I had done more for him. Send him actual messages instead of just comments. Maybe that would have been weird, but at least I would have been able to reach him. He needed someone to be there, and yet he died alone. He always felt alone. It's just such a shame to see someone so amazing pass the threshold of life.

I hope that the industry will start taking this more seriously. That depression is not a fake decease, but an actual problem. It's laughed at in Korea, so I hope they will now see how important mental health is. It's just a shame it took Jonghyun's death to do so.

I'm now, more concerned about the rest of our boys. Key looked inconsolable. Minho's not doing well. I don't know about Taemin or Onew, I didn't see them yet. But knowing their personality a little I am sure that Taemin is not well and Onew is trying to be strong like he always does. We should have seen the signs, but we didn't. He wasn't to blame, we were. We should have noticed something, but he was so good at covering up his pain that no one saw it.