REST IN PEACE
nghyun’s Final Letter Translated
I am broken from the inside.
The depression that slowly
gnawed away at me has finally
swallowed me whole.
And I could not defeat it.
I detested myself. I grabbed
my disjointed memories and
yelled at them to pull
themselves together but was
met with no response.
If I can’t help myself breathe
properly it’s better to stop
breathing at all.
I asked myself who was
responsible for me.
Only I.
I was utterly alone.
It’s easy to talk about the end.
It’s hard to actually end.
I lived until now because of
that difficulty.
I told myself I wanted to run.
Yes, I wanted to run.
From myself.
From you.
I asked who was there. It was
me. It was me again. And it
was me yet again.
I asked why I kept losing my
memories. It was because of
my personality. I see. So It’s
all my fault in the end. I
wanted people to notice but no
one did. They’ve never even
met me so of course they don’t
know I exist.
I asked why they live. They just
live, just live on.
If you ask why I die I would
answer I am exhausted.
I have suffered and pondered.
I never learned how to turn
this exhausting pain into bliss.
Pain is just that, pain.
They scolded me not to do
this.
Why? Why can’t I even end
things the way I want to?
They told me to find out why I
hurt.
I know too well. I hurt because
of me. It’s all my fault and all
because I’m lacking.
Doctor, is this what you wanted
to hear?
No. I have done nothing
wrong.
When the gentle voice blamed
my personality I thought,
‘damn being a doctor is easy.’
It’s so odd that it hurts so
much. People who have it
worse than me live fine, people
who are weaker than me carry
on fine. Maybe that’s not true.
There’s no one alive that’s got
it worse than me or is weaker
than me.
But I should live on anyway.
I keep asking myself why I
should hundreds of times and
it’s not for my own good. It’s
for yours.
Please don’t say a word if you
don’t understand.
Find out why I’m hurting? I
told you why. Is it so wrong to
hurt so much because of that,
do I need to have a more
dramatic reason? A more
specific reason?
I told you already. Were you
not listening? Things you can
overcome don’t scar you for
life.
Clashing with the world was
never meant for me.
The life of fame was never
meant for me.
That’s all the reason why it
hurts. Because I’m famous.
Why did I choose this. It’s so
funny.
It’s a wonder I lasted so long.
What can I say. Just tell me
I’ve done well. That this is
good enough. That I’ve worked
hard. Even if you can’t smile
don’t fault me on my way. You
did well, you worked hard.
Goodbye.
— SHINee’s Jonghyun
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