i can't say it - or write it, as it is here - but you already know what i'm talking about.  don't make me say it.  also, please do forgive my lack of capitalization and the like.  the keyboard i'm using is not fully functional and many keys do not work.  this is minor and unimportant, but for anyone who finds this visually uncomfortale, i do apologize.

my friends, people who aren't my friends but may be fellow shawols, and really anyone who is touched by this loss, we need to talk.  we need to talk to each other, openly and honestly and without fear.  there is sadness, emptiness, confusion, so much more, and it is difficult to express this outwardly.  how do you explain to a parent, peer, or coworker what you are feeling?  how do we make sense of a loss for someone that we cared so deeply for, and yet did not know personally?  it's an unusual position. 

for a lot of people, myself included, writing stories here is a way to cope.  writing can be an amazing tool for working through unresolved emotions and experiences.  reading what others have written can be healing as well.  this next part here pertains to myself and my writing. 

you may disregard it as you see fit.  i was speaking to a friend earlier and she articulated something that really resonated with me.  she said that he will be immortalized and remembered for who he was and what he did.  we ought to remember him for himself, and not as a character.  i don't presume to have the ability to tell other people what to do or how to work out their feelings.  that's not my place.  i only mean to speak for myself when i say that i would not feel right if i continued to use him as a character in any of my writing.  this is why, from now on, i will no longer use him as a character.  in any of my active works, i will either change the character entirely or write him out of the story, depending on what works best.  for now, at least, i think it appropriate and necessary for my own health to take a slight hiatus from writing these things and using these people as characters when the real people are mourning.  it's not going to be a hiatus like when i was gone for years before.  i think i must keep writing, as it helps me to deal, but i don't think it would be appropriate for me to post anything at this time.  however, if whatever i'm doing does happen to help you get through this, either by entertaining/distracting you temporarily from the pain or what have you, please let me know.  if there is anything i can do to help others now, please let me know.

let anyone know.  i know it can feel hopeless and the future here is uncertain, but please speak to someone.  anyone.  i know wolfburglar recently made a blog to the same effect.  please care for yourself, treat yourself and others with kindness.  we have seen that even someone who looks like they have it all can still suffer so tremendously.  we have seen that someone who is known to be beloved from every corner of the world can still feel so alone.  please, please, please, know that you are not alone.  it is difficult to imagine that we can support each other because we are all hurting and suffering from this, but even so, isn't it better that we share in that?  isn't suffering together better than suffering alone?  i don't know, maybe i am tired and have lost my head. 

please, if anyone is reading this, let me know how you are doing.  you don't have to be alright right now.  you don't have to be okay and i won't lie by promising you that it will be.  i will tell you the truth.  the truth is that i am uncertain and scared for the future.  the truth is that i don't know if anything will be better tomorrow or the next day or twenty years from now.  i don't know.  but i don't want to not know alone, i know that much.